Why did I agree to this?

In fact, why did I agree to anything, ever?

I know I'll be fine but for some reason being out in the living room with everyone just makes me anxious. Like, suddenly I want to scream and cry or punch something. It's too hot in this house, I feel fat, I know I need to go get my permit but I feel like I can't ask mom to drive me in there because I mentioned that going out might make it worse. It might, but I still need the permit. I can do it tomorrow, though. That might actually be better because then I can actually stop and read the driver's manual (even though their double-column layout is really annoying).

So that's were I am. I forgot how annoying this feeling was. I just... ugh.

I'll be fine, it's just something in the air here. Or the stress. Or both.

I'm calming down a little now, at least. Maybe I can just channel all the screwed up stuff in my head into my writing. I know Randy is pretty messed up so maybe some of it could be him. That might work. Happiness in intelligent people is a pretty rare thing.

*blinks*

And I think I just figured out Randy's speech to Emily.

So thank you, pointless ranting blog post. You have helped me in several ways.

Really, I think a large part of it (aside from the wisdom tooth pain, the headaches, the general anxiety and desire to yell at people) is just the fact that I'll be twenty this month. And I feel like a failure. Yes, I have a plan and yes, I understand that I just have to just relax and work toward that plan. But I'm not in school, no one knows me, really (like fans, 'I like your work' kind of 'knows me' because I never get anything done) my room is a mess, I have so many awesome ideas in my head that I have neither the time nor the material nor the space to accomplish right now.

In general, I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and taking it out on people who really don't deserve it.

And for that I do apologise profusely. I don't mean to be a d-bag - sometimes I just am. And then later I think back and go 'Wow, that was really uncalled for.'

It's kind of hard to move forward when you're not sure which way you're facing. (kind of paraphrased from a quote by John Lennon)

The holidays are coming up. And I think we'll be having visitors for a little while. I should probably not be a bitch while they're around, huh?

Well... having rambled on for much longer than I thought I would, I can only say 'This has been a good start to the month' and I hope you are all having a better day than I was. (Although, it has improved a little.)