So this was kind of a pick-me-up.

Some background on this chat which made me happy: I wrote an Outlast fic when I was wanting to gut someone the other night. It was about our poor, brave reporter being cornered by The Twins and getting his tongue cut out. It has 18 notes as of this writing so I guess I'm not the only sick bunny out there ^w^ [Some of the tags added in reblogs include 'loud yelling', 'inspiration' and (possibly the one that made me smile the most) 'art'.]

Friend 1: Alright. Whoever made that Tongue fic needs a handshake but also a punch in the nose i am literally crying
Friend 1: THATS HORRIBLE IM
Friend 2: i know holy shit
Friend 1: I WAS SITTING IN THE CAR READING IT SO WHEN I STARTED DRIVING AGAIN
Friend 1: I WAS IN PAIN JUST
Friend 1: TRYING NOT TO FLY OFF THE ROAD LIKE "MIIILLESSS DB"
Friend 4: it was rabbit
Friend 1: Sobbing
Friend 4: :'DD
Friend 1: CURLS UP
Friend 1: SCREAMS
Friend 2: well now I gotta go read it
Friend 1: ITS SO PAINFUL
Friend 3: ur heart will die
Friend 3: i csn t even type
Friend 2: they said that about Supernatural and I sat throguh that shit like a man
Friend 1: my heart was already dead. but it came back to life
Friend 1: and then stabbed it again
[]
Friend 2: ok yeah that was intense yo
Friend 1: Im crying
Friend 1: I was shaking when i was driving home
German Artist Friend: rabbit is awesome. this one made me feel very sick :'D
Friend 4: how do writing

So, yeah, I'm a little happy.

Also, I got my hair cut:

(and it's super-cute - I look like me ^^) and my Algebra wasn't... as bad as it could have been. I need time more than anything. It's just not something that I can just sit down and study for hours on end - I start getting tense and stabby.

So, time. Bite-sized pieces. It's a lot easier to break down a difficult concept then to try to swallow everything whole.

*sigh*

Basically, I just need to get it though my head that 'One day at a time' means just that. That and the fact that I apparently have some measure of talent in several areas. The idea of that is still weird to me though...

Working on it.

I think the phrase for the next little while is going to be 'Working on it'.

Wish me books and sleep, everyone. I feel like I'm going to need them.

[INTERNALLY SCREAMING]

DashCon, people!

ASDFGHJKL;

I have books

Well, I always have books but now I have school books:

English Comp II

Maths:

Philosophy:

and Sociology:

So... yeah. All this is crammed into about eight weeks of online courses.

That's... yeah.

I know I'll be fine but that's 20 credit hours right there.

*sigh*

I think I'm going to get that paper done - Crew Cut (meaning my English teacher - he cut his hair recently because he got tired of combing it) gave me an interesting idea: What is the separation between our authentic self and the self created to fit with mainstream society? In addition, to what degree are we in control of our authentic self?

Thing is, I only have five pages. I'm not sure I can answer that in five pages. Plus I'm tying it in with a 1999 study of how action figures have changed over the years and how that may be contributing to the rates of eating disorders in men, so I have to choose my quotes pretty carefully so it doesn't come off as too clinical.

And this is due by noon tomorrow.

If anyone is bracing to go to college, pay attention to this. This is will be your life soon.

And that was creepier than it needed to be. Moving on...

I will try to do Camp NaNoWriMo next month since school will be out of the way for a while but I haven't been writing much lately. This annoys me greatly.

So. I'm going to go down some coffee, get that done, and then maybe plan or write a little. I just have too much stuff in my head right now, I think. I'm just trying to plan for too much.

Back to work.... Bye for now~

In which watching TV shows online is preferable to working.

Really.

I have not been able to focus on anything. All I want to do for the next day or so is curl up and watch TV. Just shut my brain off for a little while.

I've been working on a cover for someone. That's going pretty well but we're kind of at a standstill because there's just not a lot more I can do without more information.

So there's that.

I think I just need a break.

- Finish the cover
- Edit/Combine with 'second draft' (The Book is getting there. Slowly.)
- Set up your 'Hire Me' page again. (I offer editing services)
- Get your list for 2013 finalised
- Set up your project blogs
- Get some semblance of an outline (one that actually works for you) for January.
- Do everything else you're forgetting about right now

Yeah.

I have a lot that I'd like to get done. And no motivation to actually do it. Well, that's not true. It's more like there's a kind of mental block or something. It's not just writer's block either - it's everything.

*sigh*

Screw this - I am now a pony:

I am purple. My name is (apparently) Flare and I am purple. I love me.

(Also, I kinda wanna do this to my hair. It looks awesome.)

For right now, I'm going to curl up and watch shows. Tomorrow (or maybe the day after) I'll jump back on writing, editing and general creativity. For right now, though, I just need to relax.

I hope you all have a nice, relaxing weekend and I will see you maybe on Monday? When I don't feel the need to be a pony anymore?

Yeah. Maybe Monday.

Bye for now, everyone. Have an awesome weekend.

Thirty: Don't work for less than you're worth.

Just... never do it.

I don't work for less than a dollar a page.

I just don't.

And that's really the take-away here - don't work for less than you're worth.

It might limit the frequency of your jobs but I'd say it's worth it to avoid working for a fraction of the acceptable rate.

Also, NaNoWriMo this year is Lit Fic (Literary) and there's a fascinating (italics for sarcasm) thread on the NaNo forums about whether or not Literary is a genre. Sometimes I just want to grab people by the scruff and shake them. Calm the fuck down.

I would argue that Literary focuses on a much larger scale. It encompasses all genres, often by deconstructing them. In that sense, it's much like Speculative. It is not so much a genre in and of itself but rather a collection of smaller genres viewed through a social microscope.

But that's basically what I think of when someone says 'Literary'.

...

I'm in a weird mood again. Like, I want to DO ALL THE THINGS and do absolutely nothing at the same time. Very annoying, actually.

I feel... anxious. Like, wound up and restless.

Everything is really loud and annoying right now and that's not helping at all.

There's a lot of anger in this house...

Like, if I'm out here for too long, I can feel it. It just latches onto me and gets into my bones. And then I start snapping at people and generally being a bitch when I really don't need to be.

Plus, one of our cats is dying (skin and bones aside from her abdomen, which is full of fluid) and my grandparents refuse to do anything about it. So that's making me feel really good.

All in all, there's a lot wrong with this day. I'm trying to not make this just a place for me to complain but, really, my hair is driving me insane, my nails feel brittle, I'm breaking out again, I just kinda got slapped in the face with at least most of the negative stereotypes of self-published authors and I just want to scream.

So.

That's where that is.

But. It's NaNoWriMo pretty soon and without this to worry about, I can just write for a while. I think that would help quite a bit, actually.

Bye for now, guys. This was kind of rambling but I'll try to be a little less annoyed and wanting to stab someone next time.

Twenty-Eight: *tears hir hair out*

Let me tell you about things that annoy me.

- Improper use of semicolons
- Missing periods
- Extra space
- Atrocious formatting
- Inconsistent atrocious formatting
- Not starting your first chapter on the correct page
- Using your usernames as your author names on the cover
- Not spacing your chapters correctly.
- Back and front pages are nowhere near industry standards
- Too many '-ly' words
- You gave him a name - f'ing call him by it!
- No. Show me.
- These are separate ideas - why are they in the same sentence?
- OMG with the commas!
- Really? You screwed up the apostrophe?

And that was episode one of Jezzy's Editing Exploits. And, honestly, I'm very glad to have these things on hardcopy because wow. I mean, the story is fine all in all it's just that the writing... yeah.

I'm hoping that they don't get ticked off just because I found a lot of stuff. Even if they do, I've gotten a lot of experience from the books.

(It's not like I hadn't read them before, it's just that I wasn't really writing things down and then I couldn't find my notes so I'm basically having to do it all again. And I'm finding a lot more this time. So, yeah. Ow. I just really hope this is appreciated and not seen as 'Well, we don't wanna work with you anymore because you're just being a bitch'. No, I'm not - I'm being a good editor. Which you clearly need.)

Anyway.

I'm getting worked up over something that hasn't happened and might not happen. So. That was my day, mostly. That and marketing ideas for things that aren't mine. And some things that are.

...

I'm basically planning on being JtHM when I'm older (Jezzy the Happy Mortician). Cannot stop laughing over how well that works out.

So... yeah.

As you can probably tell, I am very tired and I've only edited 32 pages today.

All in all, a productive and tiring day that has left me with a lot of work that I will be happy to fall asleep and ignore for a few hours.

Bye for now, guys. Sorry for the quick, slightly ranting update but, hey, NaNoWriMo starts soon!

Twenty-Two: Classical Music Flash Mob!

This is awesome!

Also, 200th post!

Unfortunately, today has been kind of awful. I get why there's so much stress in the house but wow, still.

It's definitely a Monday. I can tell because I just want to scream.

I'm overheated, I want to tear my hair out, I should be working (I'm very aware of this) but really, I'm just like 'Leave me the hell alone' to everyone.

I know it's just today. I'll be fine in the morning. But that isn't much help right now.

I think I'm just tired of it all. Not in a depressed way - in a ticked off way. The problem is that when I'm ticked off, I don't want to do better - I just want to quit because fuck it.

Obviously I can't do that so I'll be going back to work once this is up and hopefully that will keep me from wanting to stab someone.

...

I don't communicate well, I think is a large part of the issue.

Often when I comment about something, I'm not really complaining, I'm just talking. Sure, something might be annoying me but not enough for me to do anything about it.

I talk a lot about things that really don't matter.

Oh, well.

I'll stop feeling annoyed and sorry for myself here pretty soon. (Although I really need to learn to shield better.)

I think what happens is that it all builds up on me. I get distracted easily and when I have something I'm interested in and want to talk about, I wind up not doing anything different since (and this is really, unforgivably stupid part) I'm concerned about other people - about how they perceive me. Because I'm not consistent.

Get through that and I can get through anything. Get though that and I'm golden.

So bye for now, guys. I'll try to get something done tonight (maybe the outline you've been screwing around and not doing? Or the book? The book would be a good call. Even if you are still a little uncomfortable with this particular vampire character. Don't write hunters if you can't write prey).

Here's hoping I can sleep and get this character's voice right and that tomorrow doesn't suck.

*wanders away*

Entry the Fifth: Jezzy sucks at Dead Space 2

I think I'll just keep dying in Dead Space 2. Forever.

Seriously, on like the first boss. I don't have nearly enough ammo, I have one medpack, no credits and my stasis recharge is shit.

This thing jumps up from behind this crashed train-thing and then you have to run around like a nugget trying not to die. And all you have is a plasma cutter. Needless to say I'm frustrated.

I got closer the last time but then I ran out of ammo.

*headdesk*

This is a very simple fight! Why do I keep dying?!

*sigh*


Also, can I stop having ideas for a few seconds? Please? I don't want them to go away completely but I'd like a break.

*sigh* I have a headache.

(Being a day ahead on this is weird.)

I've been screwing around with weebly again. I like the look better now at least. Now I just need to... what's that word again? Write!

And, since I seem to be not giving a damn today and I just came across another idea like this in a forum today, I'll go ahead and say it - I cannot stand 'flipped prejudice' books. Anything like 'Save the Pearls' or anything where heterosexuality is the 'issue', I just... no. Something about it just grates on me. If you want to write about the dynamics of oppression, write about oppressed groups.

Anyway... I don't need to rant and rave about something like this - it's just my opinion and no one's asking me to write it or review it.

What was I going on about before that? Well, Dead Space 2, of course. But...

Well, another thing is that I just can't seem to focus but, as you all know, this is a common complaint of mine. So...

I'm considering just marathoning all of the Minecraft Movies I can find. Something tells me that would be a famously bad idea though...

I'm still considering it.

That aside, I think I'll be awake for a while and probably trying to figure out what goes where in my room, since this will likely be posted just after midnight here.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and I will make more of an effort to stay on topic in following posts. Because this one was probably on the verge of deserving this gif:

Yeah.

Bye for now, everyone!

Why did I agree to this?

In fact, why did I agree to anything, ever?

I know I'll be fine but for some reason being out in the living room with everyone just makes me anxious. Like, suddenly I want to scream and cry or punch something. It's too hot in this house, I feel fat, I know I need to go get my permit but I feel like I can't ask mom to drive me in there because I mentioned that going out might make it worse. It might, but I still need the permit. I can do it tomorrow, though. That might actually be better because then I can actually stop and read the driver's manual (even though their double-column layout is really annoying).

So that's were I am. I forgot how annoying this feeling was. I just... ugh.

I'll be fine, it's just something in the air here. Or the stress. Or both.

I'm calming down a little now, at least. Maybe I can just channel all the screwed up stuff in my head into my writing. I know Randy is pretty messed up so maybe some of it could be him. That might work. Happiness in intelligent people is a pretty rare thing.

*blinks*

And I think I just figured out Randy's speech to Emily.

So thank you, pointless ranting blog post. You have helped me in several ways.

Really, I think a large part of it (aside from the wisdom tooth pain, the headaches, the general anxiety and desire to yell at people) is just the fact that I'll be twenty this month. And I feel like a failure. Yes, I have a plan and yes, I understand that I just have to just relax and work toward that plan. But I'm not in school, no one knows me, really (like fans, 'I like your work' kind of 'knows me' because I never get anything done) my room is a mess, I have so many awesome ideas in my head that I have neither the time nor the material nor the space to accomplish right now.

In general, I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and taking it out on people who really don't deserve it.

And for that I do apologise profusely. I don't mean to be a d-bag - sometimes I just am. And then later I think back and go 'Wow, that was really uncalled for.'

It's kind of hard to move forward when you're not sure which way you're facing. (kind of paraphrased from a quote by John Lennon)

The holidays are coming up. And I think we'll be having visitors for a little while. I should probably not be a bitch while they're around, huh?

Well... having rambled on for much longer than I thought I would, I can only say 'This has been a good start to the month' and I hope you are all having a better day than I was. (Although, it has improved a little.)

Wow.

Really wow.

Mum and I just cleared out an entire house and pulled up all roots we had here in the space of two days. We leave in the morning.

And of course, I can't sleep. I mean, it's like, one in the morning. My back aches but I'm still like, "No."

I'm actually planing on getting up and walking around or drinking my other coffee drink if I get tired, not going to sleep. That's not healthy, is it? Is it? I don't know anymore.

But, yeah, not tired and awake working on things. I have music though so it's not so boring.

I just... I don't know what I'm doing is what it all comes down to. I think I'll just have to face the fact that I have some issues, I don't really know who I am and it's just something I'll have to work on. That and not wrecking my body just because I'm stressed. Sleeping and eating are still essential, even if I don't like them.

Seriously, you wanna know what happened today? I didn't have a fork to eat with and so I used a pair of coffee stirrers like chopsticks. Because I am resourceful. It actually worked really well. I was pleasantly surprised.

But that's what the past couple of days have been for me. That and this.

Know what that is? That is a project blog for NaNoWriMo 2012. I'm doing things right this year.

Anyway.

I'm rambling. I'll also be on the road tomorrow. I think we're going to Montana. Somewhere in Montana for a family thing. I'll remember later, I'm sure. It's just all such a blur right now - I'm sorry guys.

I'll check in later. Maybe when we get stopped. Until then, have a good day. I hope you're all doing well.

Let me tell you about my day.

My day (yesterday) began at 11:30. And did not stop until nine.

From about 11:30 on, I'd been packing things up and talking with movers and trying to find a hotel with a room for the night.

We packed up everything that wasn't furniture or appliances and shoved it in the back of a truck. I. I shoved it in the back of a truck. (Really, I must have packed up 2/3 of the truck.) It now has two sewing machines, one in a cabinet, so many books, so many clothes, and so many little household things.

From there, we waited on the movers. Well, not really movers. They took the things we couldn't take with us to auction. They picked up the couch, the loveseat, the tables and some other stuff for the first run, then left to go empty the truck.

During that time, I got very sick. It was short-lived, thankfully, but still.

The second run lasted until about nine at night and then we had to run around and try to find food and a hotel that had a room available. So that was fun.

It's by no means the whole story and leaves out the seven mosquito hawks that decided to meet around the living room light but the internet here is flaky and Blogger is annoying me so that's all you're getting from me right now. I'll try to check in tomorrow but no promises.

Bye guys! I hope your last few days have been easier than mine have.

Wheeeeee!

Okay. So, it's the last night in the house. I'm actually a little sad because I like this house but I can't exactly say that I'm not happy. I am happy. Like, 'I want to hug things' happy. And it's so nice but it's so weird.

I'm also markedly not tired. Ordinarily that would be a problem but not only is this a form of 'method writing' for me but I'm pretty sure tomorrow can keep me awake just fine. Also, music. I have music.

I'm really, really, really loving this Character Writer program. Like, I actually have a plot. I can't even believe - I have a plot and I think I know where I'm going. *rolls around*

I just can't believe we're leaving, you know? I just... *sighs* It's hard to get it through my head. It feel a lot more final this time, somehow. Weird to think I won't be in this house again.

Also, before I forget or get too sappy:

There are a few programs I'd like to shove out there for any writers who might be able to use them.

I recommend getting a good calender. Here's a cool desktop one I like. This one:

Isn't it cool? The picture is my desktop behind it. You can mess with the colours, fonts, and setup, highlight dates, change the text colour - all kinds of stuff!

A thing called Character Writer is insanely valuable to me right now. You can't print or save in the free version, which is a little annoying, I'll admit but the full version is about $70. Here's just the basic information screen:

And the side menu:

Also, I like playlists. It's like having a soundtrack for the movie in your head. A little thing called Songbird is a cool piece of freeware with an easy-to-figure-out setup similar to iTunes.

Don't have enough music? These might be of use to you: Free Music Archive and, for the geeks and broke college students out there, Fanmixes.

So that's about all I've discovered so far.

But guys... I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I can't even ramble about it. I'm just really at a loss for words.

Unrelated but I can't decide who's point of view to take for this story now. They're both interesting but I'm not sure which one would work better. The guy has more emotional trouble going on but I don't know if that would play better as seen from the girl's point of view or jumping back and forth or what.

I'll figure it out. Eventually. Until then, I guess I'll just... do something else.

what am i doing what am i feeling what is this

Bye for now, guys~ I'll check back in later on with more news.

*type type type*