2014: The Most WTF Year I Have Ever Been Through

So here's the breakdown and the list of stuff that I want to work on:

2014:

• I have no idea what to say about this year.
• But no one died or got sick
• And I figured out a lot about myself
• And I got to go to a convention and meet my girlfriend in person
• So that was good.
• Also, a gay couple from Texas had Doctor Who-themed engagement photos and a Doctor Who themed wedding/honeymoon. This is all kinds of awesome and I'm super glad that these people exist.

2015:

• MAKE A WORKING DUEL DISK (No seriously, all the technology is there, it's just a matter of putting it all together. Not that that would be stupidly easy or anything but I think it would be a really cool project.)
• Work on my focus (which in this list also has the meaning of 'Get really good at Duel Monsters/Magic: The Gathering/Chess).
• Finish at least two non-fanfic things that I can publish.
• Stop second-guessing everything I do.
• Try to sleep better.
• Try to relax more.
• Pray a little more and pay more attention to life.
• Read more.
• Get my weight to a level I like.
• Stop feeling guilty and/or stupid for things I actually enjoy/think are interesting.
• Stop tearing myself down over every-damn-thing.
• Get a schedule going in terms of general work (nothing too restrictive but nothing that means I'll just forget for weeks on end).
• Sort out my meds and junk. (There's one that they want me to try after the first of the year in place of my anxiety and anti-dissociative ones. I'd just be keeping my anti-depressant and my focus med, which they're looking to use as a supplementary thing along with me learning/playing games, since that's supposed to help a lot with focus and attention.)
• Languages. I kinda want to start learning languages.
• Also piano.
• Heck, maybe I'll go join the SCP Foundation. Because why the hell not?

And um... I think that's about it. At least that's all I can think of right now. So... yeah.

I'm awake and kicking around ideas for stories and stuff. I might work on putting together a spreadsheet for all my titles and stuff. I like spreadsheets.

But yeah. It's easier than I'm making it. Like so many things in life.

It'll (probably) be after the first before I post again due to general craziness so I'll see you all next year~

The 'Why' Isn't Important

It's not. It might be interesting, but it's not important.

And that's one of the strangest and most useful lessons I think you can ever learn.

The 'why' is not important. What is important is that you ask the right questions.

Does this make me happy?
Is this directly harming someone else?

That's it, really. You can break things down in at least a hundred other ways but what it all comes down to is those two questions.

-------------------------------------

That's really the only merit in this whole thing, so please, feel free to ignore all of this rambling.

First: I have a book to write by the end of the year.

I do. It's nothing of mine in that the idea wasn't mine originally but I'm the ghost writer for it so in a way it's mine.

I'm on chapter 13 out of 21. 21 minus the 12 I've already written equals 9 and there are currently 6 days left in the year (technically). 9 chapters divided over 6 days equals 1.5 chapters a day.

Okay.

Second: It would be so much better for me to start paying more attention to my own life.

I have this issue where I don't feel much. I'm not sure exactly what to call it but it's like I react to things in the moment (depending on what they are - sometimes I don't really react at all because I don't feel a connection to what's going on, sort of like I'm just dreaming) but it fades out pretty quickly. About ten minutes later and I'm back to my baseline.

This is not a good thing.

It keeps me from noticing things, it keeps me from getting things done, it puts a strain on my relationship with my family, and to be fair I think the only reason it's not causing me problems with my girlfriend is because we're long-distance and not around each other much at the moment. Traveling with someone who's that locked down emotionally (often without even realizing it) wouldn't be easy on anyone. And I'd kind of like to stop putting people through things, especially things I don't seem to have a lot of control over.

This requires thought. Self-reflection. And all manner of inward-looking things that I hate on principle for much the same reason that I hate mirrors.

But. It's all things that really do need to be done.

Now, I don't sit around and blame my mother for me being weird (because what would that solve?) but she recently brought up the point that I should probably start acknowledging that what she likes to call 'step-fathers on parade' and several times of 'hey let's go and do this cool thing oh but no I'm sorry we can't' likely didn't help this situation.

All a little beside the point right now but worth being aware of.

Don't you just hate it when you realize something that then you're like 'Oh... now I have to actually do something about this'?

Third: ..............................................................

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Fourth: I really need a cure for insomnia (that doesn't involve drugs).

Acute insomnia (if you're talking about inability to fall asleep) and chronic insomnia (if you're talking about not resting when you do sleep).

Neither of these are fun things. In fact they're both kind of screwing with my ability to get anything done in a timely manner.

So yeah.

Fifth: Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/etc.

I know I'm late for Christmas but I'd still like to wish all of you a very happy holiday season in general. And if you don't celebrate anything this time of year... well, then I hope it's a great time of the year anyway~

Here's to moving forward and all that. I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with whatever it is you have to deal with and I'd like to take this time to remind you that you are, in fact, rad and awesome and that you've got this. Go get 'em you lil' cupcake~ or whatever.

*lies down loudly*

Why is it that I seem to require some kind of massive breakdown before I realize that I'm actually okay and can do more than I think I can? It's becoming very annoying.

I think a lot of my issue comes from the fact that you hear so many people say 'writing is so much harder than most people think it is'. While that's basically true, I've always found it fairly easy. Sure, getting the right words and the right feeling and all of that is difficult at times but by and large, it's no more so than getting the right words for anything else. The issue then becomes feeling like I'm not any good or doing something wrong when I don't have the problems that other writers seem to.

Yes, it's easier when you're inspired by something but even if not, it's all a matter of getting as close to the finished product as you can, even if that takes you much longer than you thought it would and you've scrapped fifty first pages already just because the tone wasn't right. The beginning writes the end, in a lot of ways.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here. I guess I'm just getting tired of a lot of things about my life recently. Realizing that I'm actually fairly depressed more often than I'd thought was a little disheartening and from there came the desire to reinvent a few things about myself - at least in terms of my 'professional' image. See, I'm slightly in love with the idea of being some vain and deadly creature - classy vampire detective, I guess you could say. And that aesthetic isn't so difficult to get, all in all. At the very least, it's fairly easy to maintain over the length of a few website updates.

I'm starting to think it's much easier, at least in the short term, to work piece by piece rather than trying to build an entire brand without any nails, so to speak. I'm not sure what the final image will be. It's almost a 'book for a puzzle piece' model this way. Something to be uncovered as you go.

But mostly, this is a post to let you all know I'm still alive. I'm still in my pajamas at one in the afternoon, I'm missing my girlfriend, and I'm thinking of making some extra money to get us each one of those Pandora charm bracelets for St. Valentines Day (we're thinking of traveling around once she's certified to teach English so it would be kind of cool to have a little, portable record of where we've been and junk) but I'm still alive.

For right now, I think I'm going to do my best not to stress about things. When I get too stressed about things, nothing gets done, whereas when I'm calm and somewhat happy about things, they tend to move along without a hitch, at least most of the time.

Wish me luck... and maybe some self-confidence and coffee?

On Self Sabotage

Or 'The Actual Reason Why I Can't Seem to Get Anything Done'

Essentially what it boils down to is this: I felt I had no effect on the world around me growing up. As a result, I feel I have no power over my world now which causes this cycle of 'I could do this' 'Why? It won't matter' 'Yeah, you're probably right. I'll fail. I'm terrible.' which then causes me to become depressed as I feel very... adrift and like I can't do anything. Like I'm not good enough to do anything.

But people have done much more with much, much less.

It's a matter of retooling your thinking. Feeling like I don't want to fail makes me not try in the first pace because then, yeah, I still failed but that was my decision - it wasn't just because I couldn't do it. There's also the matter of perfectionist tendencies which tend to make things needlessly difficult. 'I can't do this perfectly right now so I just won't at all' and stuff like that. Very hard to work around.

So here's the idea:

Money
- Nonfiction which pays me
- Fiction which will pay me later

Other Writing
- Fan stuff because it's fun

Languages
- Esperanto
- Swedish
- French
- German
- Japanese

Technically, this is not that difficult of a plan. Time-consuming, yes, but not difficult.

Slightly Difficult Life Stuff
- Should probably learn to cook
- Also bank stuff, especially if traveling
- Find a good way to keep track of dates and stuff so that nothing's late

There's also tricky things like taxes and junk and it's all things I can learn and once I've got it handled, that means I'm getting much closer to being able to handle my own life. And that's scary as hell but it also means that I can essentially do anything. And that is a wonderful feeling.

But, yeah, that's what most of the past couple days have been about. 'This is what we've been doing. We need to fix it.' Honestly, just knowing that this is an actual thing helps a lot. Sometimes just being able to put a name to something helps.

For right now, in the short term, I have NaNoWriMo to finish. I'm about 6k from the finish line right now so that shouldn't take me long at all. After that, I'm not sure what I'll actually do. I might kick around and write a few articles, just don't stress much. It's a pretty hectic time of the year in general so... yeah.

I woke up at like, two this morning so I'm a little *whistling noises and wiggly hand gestures* right now.

But I think my plans have become a little more concrete. And that's both terrifying and exhilarating.

So. I'm going to go and write a little. See if I can't get my head space right.

Bye for now, everyone. Bye for now.

Too Many Tabs

My mind has far too many tabs open.

The result of this is that I have no idea what I'm doing.

I thought about yet another plan of mine (like using Figment to serialize stories before publishing them) but then I realized that I'd probably never get that one done either. So, of course, then I had to try and puzzle out what was holding me back so much.

The answer, as it turns out, is two-fold - at least from my current perspective:

Part One: Depression

As in, 'This is all I'll do, day in and day out, because the world isn't that interesting anyway. Maybe if I got up somewhere very high and then fell, things would look interesting but everything's boring from down here.'

I think this is why I don't care to do much and why my sleep schedule is so abysmal. If I'm asleep, I physically can't worry about things. But if I sleep at night, then I've got all day around people which tends to stress me and make me irritable. However. Sleeping all day like this leaves me unable to actually rest (well, that and a host of other things which I severely doubt I'm dealing with properly) when I do sleep, which means I'm tense and annoyed when I wake up, making it very difficult to get anything useful done.

So, that sort of mindset makes it very difficult to do... well, anything, if we're being brutally honest.

You basically have to start wanting to do things before you can start wanting to do things and that's just... awkward all over.

Part Two: Lack of Self-Confidence

This one's kind of self-explanatory, really. I feel like a lot of it comes from the depression, though. Most days I feel so wretched and uncreative that it amazes me that anything thinking human being would feel otherwise.

As a result, I feel like my ideas are too good for me or that I'm not qualified for the plans I come up with. I second-guess everything which means I'm wrong more often which makes me less likely to want to do anything because 'what's the point if I'm just going to scramble and fail?'

So that's what I've come up with so far.

There's probably a lot of issues that I've just stepped on over the years and those probably aren't helping in the slightest but I'm not sure I even still have the keys to those doors. Might have to wait until I can break the latch or something.

Honestly the only real upside to all of this is that NaNoWriMo has been giving me no trouble at all this year. That's a bit of a confidence boost, I guess.

On Broken Sleep Schedules

A sleep schedule is a little like a clock. Rather, it's kind of like a pocket watch. And a little like a sheep.

It's like a pocket watch because you can only pay attention to the gradual passing of the day if you remember to wind it. Otherwise, you're just guessing at the time and constantly late for everything. If you have no sleep schedule, guess what? You're guessing at the time and being constantly late for everything unless you set enough alarms to wake up all of North America, living or dead.

It's like a sheep because... I like sheep.

But that wasn't my point.

My point was the fact that I have no sleep schedule and the lack of a sleep schedule is apparently a pretty big contributor to my general lack of focus and sluggish approach to... well, everything to be perfectly honest.

I feel... clouded. Like nothing's completely real. It's obnoxious, to say the least. But I've taken to writing down notes for things as I think of them rather than just leaving them alone in my head (because I feel like I lack time/talent/etc./whatever) and that seems to be helping slightly. The entire paracosm feels a bit more concrete that way, like I could walk the streets with my eyes open and not be distracted by my hands on the keyboard.

Speaking of, I've been seeing these little flickers out of the corner of my eye recently. Mom's been getting them too, which is slightly comforting, but it's still odd.

All that aside, it is now very late. I have this hibiscus drink from Jamaica (it's actually really good - tastes like honey) and my head is full of vampires.

Things could definitely be worse.

Oh, and I got a really nice message on the NaNo site today:

Sorry to bother! Your story just seems so interesting, I wanted to know how it was going. Do you intend on publishing it? Because I would definitely read it!
Also, I wanted to know if we could be writing buddies? You sound really nice!
Good day to you!

This right here? This is amazing to me. First off because I'm working on a really weird story this year. And, not that you asked, here's the cover for it:

There's a reason the title is spaced like that but that's for me to know and you to (hopefully) find out once this thing is done. Right now, it's a little like trying to push a waterbed out of my brain. That is to say, not exactly fun. In fact, it can be pretty painful. BUT. I said on the forums (in an official 'Finish That Novel Club' thread, no less) that I would get this thing done. And I intend to stick by that. I have a terrible habit of using so many things 'for practice' because I get it in my head that nothing I do is 'good enough' to be published, either by myself or by anyone else.

Thing is, I see some of the absolute shit that gets thrown into the marketplace and I think 'Wow... I might not be so bad after all'. The issue with that is that then I have to actually convince myself that when a story is done, it's done. And when it's done, if you set out to write something that others would be allowed to read, it's time to allow them to read it.

That's where my issue actually is, I think. Letting go of a project. I know I'm 'good enough', objectively. I doubt I'm marketable enough for mainstream but some days even I'm not sure about that. I feel a little like that unnamed musician from Interview With The Vampire who wrote beautiful music which would 'never sell' because it was too dreary.

Lestat liked him. Of course, Lestat also loved Nicolas de Lenfent and we all know how that ended.

Anywho-diddly-doodle, the second reason that message is so amazing to me is just because it's never happened before. They took time out of their day and their own life and their writing to send me that message. Someone I've never even met, never even heard of. Not even sure I've seen them around the forums before.

So that's really cool.

But, yeah, that's where that is. I should be sleeping, I've got vampires on the brain, and... it's a weird night.

30k Celebration~ And Stuff

I hit 30k (out of 50k) for NaNoWriMo. This is a joyous occasion~ Or something.

Fact of the matter is that it's 12:34 right now (though, obviously it won't be by the time I publish this), and I... am slightly wired. No idea why, but it's there and I figure I might as well run with it.

I have a chapter to finish, a book to work on (and so many to read... like seriously I ought to post my 'to-read' list here just so you can all get a sense of scale. Might do that later. Anyway...).

The other night when I couldn't sleep I finally got around to reading 'PUSH' by Sapphire. Very good but very difficult novel. It's all told from the perspective of Precious Jones, who is about sixteen at the start and is illiterate to barely literate around that time. She already has two kids - one when she was twelve, a girl with Down Syndrome, and one at sixteen, a healthy boy. Her father is also their father, and her mother outright blames her for 'stealing her husband/stealing her man', usually driving the point home with a beating before telling to her get up and fix her something to eat.

Obviously, not meant as a light-hearted read. I read it straight through. It's rough. It's deeply uncomfortable. It's not pretty in the slightest. But it's honest.

And honest is always beautiful.

If absolutely nothing else, I need to learn to take that to heart.

Things are changing. Things have been changing for a while now but every now and then, I'm very aware of them. But I think it's a good change, at least.

And now, a small fact about your humble blogger:

Whenever anyone says 'Writer's block is just laziness/just an excuse', I tune out.

Honestly, I'm fairly distrustful of people who say that they never get writer's block (or anything similar depending on the type of artist they are). I probably shouldn't be but my initial response is distrust for the quality of and care put into their work.

Uppity? Probably. Like, 97% sure on that one.

But right now, that's kinda just how it is.

I think it's because I can never work like that. I need days spent letting my subconscious work on problems that I can't see a solution to at the moment. I need days to unwind and unplug and think and refocus. It's odd to me to think that some people just don't. Of course, to the average person, I'm very odd for a multitude of reasons, so I don't really have a decent platform here, now do I?

That's all kind of beside the point. Although in a way it isn't seeing as there was no point to begin with, which would theoretically make everything in this post both the point and not the point.

Or something.

I don't know.

It's late and I have stuff to do, that's about all I'm really clear on at the moment.

But hey, at least I can see the road to the end of my headlights.

Pre-NaNo Freak Out

It's that time of year again~

Which means it's time for me to casually panic about a great many things that I suddenly don't feel like I have time for.

NaNoWriMo: You're gonna suffer... but you're gonna be happy about it.

So, here's how things stack up:

As you might already be aware, I have this stupid habit of planning to do things. These plans are usually very dumb and get scrapped quickly or else are very good and somehow don't work out because I still lack the follow-through needed to actually do them. I have no idea which camp, if either, this plan will fall into, I just know that I have made myself known in the overachiever's thread on the NaNo forums this year and I doubt there's a lot of going back from that.

So:

• Writing totem thing: My Sherlock fandom key ("I can open any door in my mind palace with this.")
• Minimum Word Count Goal: 50k
• Target Word Count Goal: 100k
• Dream Word Count Goal: 300k

That's what's on the little slip shoved in the front of the binder for you.

*deep breath*

For right now though, just today, I have some money to make, an email to answer, a chapter to write, and then maybe some videos to watch and an outline to fight with.

But first, I really need to eat something because my stomach actually hurts and I'm getting obnoxious cravings for stuff I don't need.

Also, I just got really excited because an order I did for a client was approved. Being an adult is dumb. (Well, actually that little assignment paid me almost 80 dollars, so that's not that stupid a thing to be excited about, I guess.)

Here, Have a Blog Post

NaNoWriMo 2014 Survival Kit

In no order:

1. Laptop running Open Office
2. USB/Flash Drive
3. Youtube playlist/Pandora Station
4. Coffitivity
5. Rainy Mood
6. Paperback books (you can't write if you don't read)
7. My writing buddy~ (she's a friend of mine who I dragged into this. Can't help but feel a little responsible...)
8. Outlines (both for main and back up novel because I'm being an overachiever this year)
9. Novella to edit (for breaks and stuff)
10. Water
11. Coffee
12. Chocolate
13. Fruit (apples, strawberries)
14. Sugar cubes
15. HabitRPG
16. Pinterest broads
17. Blank paper in my red writing folder
18. Pens that work
19. My notes on Esperanto (because why not try to learn a language?)
20. My meds
21. Twitter (quick updates and word wars and stuff)
22. tumblr (I have friends and an 'official' blog there so... yeah)
23. The NaNo Forums
24. A token (so I know if I'm awake or dreaming)
25. Other writers' NaNo vlogs
26. A comfortable blanket

I might also look into Final Deadline, since that seems like it might be interesting.

For right now, though, I think I'll try to chisel my way through the mild case of writer's block I seem to have going on.

*waves*

I Should Not Be Allowed on The NaNo Forums

Why?

Because I stumble into the Overachievers' section.

Granted, this was something I was planning to do beforehand but this whole community of insane goals certainly didn't help.

So, here's the list for the next little while:

Dailies:

• Make between 5 and 10 dollars a day.
• 3,208 words per day with get the ghostwriting project done before the end of the month.
• Work on Outlines for NaNo Projects
• Edit your novella
• Take your meds. I get the feeling you'll need them.

Before NaNo:

• Complete ghostwriting project one
• Complete outlines for both NaNo Projects
• Set up goal list

A month of craziness:

• 10k Day One
• Break my old record of 14k in a day
• Do at least three 5-hour 10ks
• End the month with at least 100k/two rough drafts

Insane? Yes. Productive? HELL YES.

So that's where that is. I made my five bucks today so I have a good long while to get chapter eight done.

You know, now that the preview for that novella is up on the site, I feel like I kinda wanna keep the ball rolling you know? IDK I'm just feeling vaguely optimistic about my life/writing right now.

I'll probably go out into the living room here fairly soon, eat something, and then see what I can or can't do in terms of work. Well, I'll probably take a shower before all that just because I'm feeling kind of grungy, but yeah. Shower, then food, then work.

Good plan. I like that plan.

*lies in darkness*

I'm doing that because I woke up with stomach cramps and general aches and I'm just kinda doubting everything right now.

By that I mean, I'm doubting my:

• Pen name
• Abilities
• General plan

Which amounts to basically everything right now.

And you know how I can tell I'm getting better about things? I'm okay with this. Yes it's annoying. But I get that it doesn't mean anything concrete. Before, I never bothered with that. If I was feeling this way, than that meant that this was accurate - some kind of immutable fact of the universe.

Thankfully, that isn't the case.

But it doesn't mean it isn't annoying.

So. What I think I'm going to do is go curl up in bed because comfort is necessary right now. There's really nothing on the paid content sites I feel I can do right now but things change there pretty quickly and it's very early in the day yet. I'll edit a bit... write a section of the chapter I'm working on... maybe poke at the NaNo outline and see if more words spill out.

I don't know if a change of scenery would help but if I'm still feeling like this in a while, I might try.

I'll check in again soon. And till then I'll just try to keep moving. Which is more than I would have done a month ago.

Small victories.

Yet Another Blog Post

Because I have a lot to say, apparently.

First: I'm watching Markiplier play 'The Evil Within'. It seems like a really interesting game, with a lot of references to other games. The Chapter One CLEAR thing makes me think of Devil May Cry and that makes me happy. (It's a PS4 game though and I am no good on PC when it comes to survival horror.)

Second: I... kind of want to write this splatterpunk/maybe dark erotica thing and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I mean, I have a cover and a new direction and everything for the book I was planning to do. But I love the idea of this one... What do?

Maybe sleep on it? Sleep on it might be a good idea.

In fact:

-----------------------------

It's now late tomorrow. I still want to do the splatterpunk thing. And I want to do the original thing I was planning on doing. The result is that November will probably make me want to fall in a hole and die but I still wanna do it.

I also need to look into Wordpress as a website (even though I hate the interface with a passion) since it doesn't have that stupid page limit like blogger does.

For right now, I need to just relax and plan so that everything that has to get done, gets done. Tomorrow, I'll be 22 and so I'm essentially taking the day off to hang out with family and just not worry about much.

So, I'm going to go away now, maybe down some coffee and try to figure out where exactly I need to go from here.

Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.

On a Slightly Serious Note

I have things.

These are interesting things, I think.

The first thing is this: A tumblr blog where I can reblog inspiration and things.

The second thing is related to the first thing: The second thing is a website.

I'm showing you these things now so that you can get used to the fact that they exist. Because they do. And I intend to use them. Therefore, I shall post them here and hope that a few of my WriMo friends will help to keep me accountable. (Even if they don't, I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now and I'm going to do my best to keep that going. So there.)

Well. that was about all I had for that. I have a novella in edits right now about an asexual high school girl falling in love with a mermaid while visiting her father in Astoria, Oregon so... I think that's pretty neat.

Anywho... I'm going to let you get back to your thing. It looked kind of important.

Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.

On Becoming an Artist

Well, first off, let me clarify that 'becoming an artist' here has the meaning of 'accepting yourself as an artist'. Owning it, for lack of another way to say it.

Moving on. I realise that this will sound very melodramatic and all that. I don't actually care much. I want melodrama right now, much in the same way that one wants a cupcake.

I look at my 'becoming' an artist much like people might look at becoming a vampire. It's a painful and wonderful process that you notice in spades only after nearly all the life has been sucked out of you. The first step to immortality is death.

The first step is a kind of slow death wherein you're worn down by the life you're trying to live until you find yourself just playing at attempting to seem all right. This step is uncomfortable, to say the least. The encouragement received from friends and family seems hollow, as though made of nothing but fine ash, stuffed full of smoke that will dissipate at the first whisper of a harsh wind. Nothing matters much and while you have the occasional victory, the occasional flash of wondrous purpose, it never lingers. All the world is gray.

The second step is crucial. Something outside of your own head must reawaken something that once existed in you. This can happen in many ways but for me it was simply the rediscovery of NaNoWriMo. Remembering a time when the fire of artistic purpose was not some distant candle but an internal drive, a steam engine that forced my hands and my head into action and feeling the gears begin to turn in my head again was what ultimately brought me out of this state of artistic death.

Step three is simply to look with your artist's eyes. You begin to see the world in colours again and they build, hue upon hue, until all the world's ablaze. And day does not link to day in a finite choke chain which keeps you tethered to a small back corner of a world you now see in all it's awful glory, but rather there is night folding into night above an endless, darkened sea.

And then your struggles make perfect sense. And you move on. And you create.

I've been thinking.

Not very hard, but...

I used to have a lot more... muchness. I think I've lost it somehow. I used to be much more... mucher.

I'll try to put this little revelation into proper, understandable words. The key word there is 'try'.

So, this really started because NaNoWriMo is getting closer. (National Novel Writing Month, in case you didn't know for some reason.) That means 30 days spent writing. 1,667 words a day. I've written 100k in a month before so that seems fairly easy now. I love NaNoWriMo, okay? I love the gut-wrenching anxitey, the countdown to midnight on the very first day, the stupid dares and challenges on the forums. I love the aches and pains, I love the sleepless nights and caffeine overloads. I love the feeling of having that countdown timer always running in the background and, maybe more than that, knowing that I wasn't the only one who could see it.

I was trying not to like the whole NaNoWriMo thing for a while but I'm starting to feel like the link between me and crazy, stupid, artistic crap is just never going to be severed. In actuality, this is probably a good thing.

So, I figured 'eh, why not?' and since I had an account under my 'new' name (Rabbit), I just filled in the details. and then I made my first mistake: I got caught up looking around the forums and remembering how great it is when everyone's around and writing and complaining gently and not-so-gently about life and word count.

Mistake two came a bit later when I remembered the Night of Writing Dangerously, which is this amazing social event/write-a-thon thing held in San Fransisco. In a ball room. On the fifteenth floor. This year's theme is 'Noir' and you don't have to dress up but you can if you want to, and I've wanted to go for years but I've never had the money and we usually lived much farther away than we do now.

The third mistake came from looking over another WriMo-er's blog (and watching the NaNoWriMo Musical). And it occurs to me that, for all my good ideas, I'm not getitng anything done because not only do I not have the self-confidence that allows me to stand up and say 'I am talented, I have something to say, and I deserve to be noticed', I also don't have the same artistic fire that I used to. There was a time when men were kind. When their voices were soft, and their words inviting when I used to essentially say 'Can't eat now. Writing. Go hell.' and  'Sleeping is for the weak and sickly. Damn it, Jim, I'm an writer!' And I don't do anything even approximating that anymore.

It takes me forever to read a book, I haven't actually finished writing anything over about 2.5k, even non-fiction articles (which really don't require much thought anyway) take me way longer than they should.

But why?

Is it possible that a lack of a strong community could really make that much difference? Or is the root of the problem deeper? Possibly, I'm holding myself back because I'm afraid of what I can do. It's also possible that my lack of confidence is rooted more in a dislike of what my life currently is, not what it has the potential to be.

Whatever the reason, this is something that warrants investigating. I'm getting tired of not being dangerous.

Rambling

Because I'm having an interesting day.

First, some creepy stuff:

Creepy Confessions Blog: [X]
Creepy Ambient Tracks [X]

Aside from that, I started my new meds and I wrote about five pages while sitting out in the living room with the TV on and everything. So I'm thinking that's helping.

It's weird when you know what you want to do with your life but at the same time it's like 'don't do that, do something less stupid/dangerous/weird/etc.'

Thing is, life is not about 'why?' It's about 'why not?'

Really, though, if I was anything like the version of myself I have in my head, I'd be about 105 pounds, with dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. I'd also probably be dressed in Lisbeth Slanader-esque punk clothes and be surrounded by paint, canvases, yarn, and books (some of which are mine). I swear, the me in my head writes pretty much constantly too, like: 'Scary stuff, gay stuff, scary stuff, break~, Scary stuff, gay stuff, scary stuff, break~, Scary stuff, gay stuff, scary stuff, lunch~' Of course, the Rabbit in my head also paints cityscapes in the little loft section of hir apartment/artist space in the middle of some big city like New York while singing 'Defying Gravity' so... yeah.

It's about ten at night right now and I'm actually tired so I think I'm just going to go to bed pretty soon, curl up, and rest for a while. Today has been better and I think I really do want to start working toward being more like the me I see in my head. The me in my head is vastly more interesting.

So. I hope you all have a good night and a wonderful tomorrow and I will see you all in a little while.

I Think It's a Focus Issue.

Meaning I'll have to re-tool my meds.

Annoying but at least it should help me actually get things done around here.

Really, though, it makes sense. I'll start on something but then I'll get distracted about half a paragraph in and go do something else for half an hour. It's a bit like I just forget that I have anything to do at all. Which is very frustrating seeing as when I have my focus, I can fly through pretty much anything you throw at me. I mean, I even understand Homestuck.

So...

You know how many breaks I took while writing that? About four. Ridiculous.

But, I have new meds for that now (which I start in the morning) and hopefully that coupled with my anti-dissociative will essentially kick this thing to the curb because I have stuff that I actually want to do. Like, finish reading the rest of the books I have earmarked to be read and then either added to my permanent, real-world shelf or else donated so someone else can read them. Like the copies of The Vampire Chronicles that Darling gave me, or the copy of Anna Karenina I just got today.

I was also considering making Minecraft maps of some of my main story locations (like, some of the main series cities) and making those available for download. I mean, yeah it would take forever, but personally I think it'd be really cool to be able to download a map made by the author and be able to basically just walk around in the world they must have seen in their head while they were writing. Then again, I'm a weirdo. And we all know it.

Oh, yeah, and I'll be taking a train trip in February~ First off, because a train trip in the snow? Are you kidding me? In what way is that not awesome? Secondly, because I get to see Darling for Valentine's Day which makes me very happy <3 We'll be staying with her and her family for a few days so that'll be an adventure, I'm sure.

I'm also sure that I had about a million other things I wanted to mention here, like 'I want to try to do the Goretober thing with Outlast short fics because it's hella good practice' but... well, I just said that and I can't really think of anything else. So. I guess that's really all for right now.

Although I did find this thing buried in a folder on my computer:

Begin, again, along the way
Through birdsong and fresh dried hay
Along the riverbanks and though
To bring the shoreline into view

Before the storm lies crashing waves
And the bitter wind which howls and saves
The high song of a meadowlark
On a distant shoreline, running dark

With the setting of a golden sun.

The rain, the grey, the mist, the cold
All things flow out from the fold
Of fluttered wings and echoed song
For such a place can do wrong.

I vaguely remember writing this a while back. *shrug* I don't know, I just think it's kind of pretty.

Bye for now, everyone~ I hope you all have a wonderful day/night/whatever and I will see you all again soon.

First, A Song

This song, to be precise:

Because I like it.

Secondly: I've figured it out. I need to quit trying to do things and just do things.

These things include:

• Painting things
• Making Twine Games (little text-based games. I like them because they can be anything and that's awesome)
• Crocheting stuff
• Maybe be on a Minecraft Build Team
• Learn to use Blender (because concept art and story backgrounds and crap such as that)
• Maybe learn to use Unity
• And all kinds of writing. So writing. Much story. Wow.

That's not so difficult, right? Kind of a cool, artistic mixture of things.

But that's basically what this post exists to say: I might have figured a little bit of my life out and I'm happy about that. Also, Darling sent me a message that just said 'Sooooo I had a dream that we went to the Chinatown over here in Chicago and when I woke up I don't think I ever felt more let down in my life.' And that made me both happy and sad. And I want to hug her but she lives several states away.

So I'm going to go get something to eat and then finish chapter six of the thing I'm working on.

Random Post

containing links to geeky crap I find cool.

First: Post-Apocalyptic Internet Radio [here]

Really cool for writers, I think. Just have it playing in the background and pretend you're hiding out with your small survivor colony. Music and messages - people talking about the current state of their area of the world. It's actually pretty immersive just as it is, though there is some repetition.

Second: Cyberpunk Radio Browser Setup [one] [two] [three]

Just a really cool combination for anyone doing techno-anything. Pretty easy to put yourself way up over a sprawling city in some glass and metal high-rise, the streetlights down below making out the neural network of the city through the thin film of rain.

Third: Numbers [----]

No one speaks of these things. I have not spoken of them and you have never heard of them.

Fourth: A Writing tumblr [not mine, someone else's]

All kinds of stuff: music/playlists, prompts, advice, etc. It's a neat place to look around if you're feeling stuck.

----------------

That was really all for this post. I just woke up a couple hours ago so I'm kind of cozy and a little hungry right now. I'm probably going to go get food and then settle down and finish a chapter of the book I've been working on. It's, like, three pages and one good edit from done and it's starting to bug me.

So, yeah. Food then words.

I have so many projects in my head that I really want to do just because I can. Isn't that annoying? I mean, not that I want to do things but that I want to do a) ALL THE THINGS and b) things which have a very low chance of producing any income at all (aside from maybe a donate button and you know how those things are kind of hit and miss as to whether or not anyone likes you enough to donate anything to keep you running).

[Tunnel Snakes rule! We're the Tunnel Snakes. That's us. And we rule!]

Anywho... It's starting to get light outside so I think I'm going to go sit at my desk and try to get something useful done.

I've been feeling all weird and restless lately so hopefully that goes away soon. It's hard to work through a film of 'DO ALL THE THINGS' and 'I just wanna lie on the floor like a slug.'

Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.

[Insert Title Here]

So.

I've been using this blog a lot more recently. I think the reason is just the fact that I'm thinking a lot more than I used to. I'm actually lying on my bed with the lights off just because I feel weird and slightly cozy right now but, as a consequence of my now being almost completely nocturnal, I am not tired in the slightest.

As a result I decided to make a list of what I think I'm hoping to get out of essentially being an artist for a living. What am I aiming for? What would I be trying to do? I came up with a few main points:

• Representation. No queer-baiting, no lesbians marketed toward men, just honest characters.

Branching off of that: 

1) Portrayals of healthy polyamory which are not used as cheap jokes or seen as 'problematic'.

2) Portrayals of genderqueer/agender/trans characters which consistently use the correct pronouns, both in dialogue and in narration.

3) Portrayals of asexual characters without resorting to cheap stereotyping (e.g. androids). Not that androids aren't awesome or can't just be asexual, but robots and criminals are basically all we've got right now and that's... that's kind of sad actually.

4) Portrayals of aromantic characters. Sort of in general but mainly in ways which do not paint them as broken, bitter, depressed, loveless, etc. individuals or as someone in need of 'fixing'. Sort of ditto for asexual characters, honestly.

• Recognition

Now, that's one that I don't care for thinking about, to be perfectly honest. I feel like a glory hound, I guess would be the best way to describe it. There's a part of me that, if I wrote something, I want my name on it (well, the name I go by... since I go by it). But that feels really greedy, though I'm not sure why.

And that's really it. I mean, obviously, I want enough money that I can live comfortably and feed my little habits but I think that kind of goes without saying.

So, it's a pretty simple thing I'm striving for, all in all.

Maybe that's why it feels so difficult to figure out what I want from an artistic life. Because I don't want much in terms of numbers, but I'm wanting quite a bit in terms of larger social impact.

The question then becomes: Can I make any kind of a difference? Would inclusive books sell well enough that I could live through writing them? If not, could I make up the difference without a bunch of undue stress? I think that's why I'm sometimes less than inclined to work on my own things. I have no way of knowing if it'll work, especially given that people as a general rule don't really know what they want unless it's given to them and they can see what they do and don't like about it. That presents all kinds of potential issues. That and the fact that no two people experience their life, their world, and themselves in exactly the same way.

Of course, to use a Hemingway quote: 'The shortest answer is doing the thing.'