My Family is Amazing People

"I tried to make a crochet snowflake or two for my mum. The one I have is kind of a mess and I sort of want to cry." - A tweet I never sent because it was five in the morning and, to be fair, that's really sad.

But Christmas was really... really good this year. Nothing big and full of lights and utterly amazing in that made-for-TV movie kind of way happened but it was a wonderful day. My family is amazing. Full stop. My mum and my grandparents got together and gifted me the money I needed to buy my ISBNs which means all I need to do to be able to start my company is all of the nit-picky, pain-in-the-ass stuff (and the writing. Writing is a good thing, though).

I also got this message from a dear, dear friend of mine:

Aww sweetheart! *hugs tightly* Wait I'm your best friend O//O oh gosh, I don't think I've ever been anyone's best friend before. You're just so...sweet and caring and you're just so kind to everyone and you're so tough I just really think you're awesome. Seriously though, after meeting you you automatically became my hero and someone I looked up to.

So, that's something to be insanely thankful for.

Really, 2013 was kind of a crap-shoot overall but there were good moments and a weird year typically means that the next little while is going to be full of a bunch of stuff that will actually advance the plot. So. I'm going to relax for the rest of the year and make sure my lists are all updated and all that and then at midnight, I'm going to reset my progress meters and jump in again with the writing.

I'm actually cautiously optimistic about this next year, you know? I have no idea why but I'm not going to argue with it.

I hope 2014 is a great year for all of you and I will see you all soon~

Here are some words.

2013 is almost over.

Not much has really gone on but here are some highlights:

- I met a really wonderful friend - kind of a partner-in-crime. And then I met several more amazing people.
- I fell into the Night Vale fandom (got sort of scared off by all the in-fighting but then realised that I really like the show and screw everyone else)
- I jumped into the Outlast fandom (as a psycho doctor and a scared reporter) and met some of the sweetest people there
- I can see 20/20 without my glasses now (surgery, surgery~)
- I survived three quarters in college and my lowest grade for a class that whole time was a B
- I GET TO GO TO DASHCON
- And a whole bunch of other awesome things, I'm sure.

And now here is a list of things:

emotions you don’t understand upon viewing a sunset

lost pets found

lost pets unfound

a secret lost pet city on the moon.

Trees that see. 

Restaurants that hear. 

A void that thinks. 

A face half-seen just before falling asleep. 

Trembling hands reaching for desperately needed items.

Sandwiches! 

Silence when there should be noise. 

Noise when there should be silence. 

Nothing when you want something. 

Something, when you thought there was nothing. 

Clear plastic binder sheets. 

Scented dryer sheets. 

Rain coming down in sheets. 

Night. 

Rest. 

Sleep.

End.

[That was all actually ripped off from Night Vale Episode 2 - 'The Glow Cloud' but I love it so... here.]

But yeah, I'm not dead, I'm just very tired. Life has been pretty stressful lately. I had two surgeries a week apart and that tends to take a lot out of you, even if they're only minor.

I'll probably be back before the end of the year to check in and really wrap up and all that but just in case I'm not: Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate/if you celebrate) and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and a very happy new year~

Apparently, I'm a lizard.

This resulted from a Skype conversation. And I feel it is sufficient proof that I should not be allowed on Skype. #LizardProblems

So, DashCon

These two right here, Dee Laytner and Diana Spacey

are on my cosplay list for DashCon. Dee's going to be fun and his outfit is decently easy. It's just the hair I'm probably going to have to fight with a little.

Diana is a little more complicated:

She's so fab, though~ <3

Cecil from Welcome to Night Vale is also on my list but no one knows what the man looks like so I kind of have free reign there. I also need an outfit for a formal dance (DashProm) and for a rave. I also have a friendship basket to do, the list for which is back in this blog somewhere (I know I posted it).




And now for something completely different.



Section Two: Writing

As in, I can get back to writing because this quarter is essentially over. Also, this happened:

Friend One: I think we all agree you're like.. one of our favorite writers ever. YOU WERE LIKE. MY WRITING SENPAI WHEN I FIRST MET YOU... I was so intimidated to talk to you xD cause you were so good

Me: ASDFGHJKL; What, really? People tell me this... but then I'm a geek and they stop being so intimidated (which is very good because I'm about as intimidating as a pink butterfly stuck to a marshmallow).

Friend One: yeah LOLL I felt so .. inferior compared to your writing. xD But I was so hoping to rp with you like oh god

Friend Two: same

So, yeah. that was kind of a pick-me-up.

And that's about all that's been happening right now.

Oh, wait, there was something else:

Section Four: NaNoWriMo

As in, 'I'm working as a free agent now, Scott. Can't abide by the larger wolf's laws so it only makes sense to leave the pack.'
...
I'm not doing NaNo officially anymore, is what that means. The OLL has just gotten... I don't really know if I can explain it - I just feel like they've gotten too far from the roots of the project and I don't really want to be a part of it anymore. I'll be over at WriYe, keeping track of things that way.

But ignoring all that, it's been pretty quiet. I think I'll spend some time before the first of the year going through the manga and picking an outfit for Dee and Diana and then I can jump into searching for things after the first.

I'm rambling. Stuff if going on. I have books to write and a company to build and a friend to meet in 2014 and wow, life. This was an awful post but I got my basic points across and I'm not going to go back and try to fix it now because my laptop battery is almost dead SO... yeah. I'll be back with a little more cohesion pretty soon to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and all that but for now, enjoy my rambling.

*waves* *crawls under a fuzzy blanket*

So...

It's Monday night and the rest of this week is going to be one long day.

Let me walk you through:

Tuesday:
- School (Intro to World Languages, Law and Society, and Psych)
- Then over to a town about an hour's drive away for surgery (they get to burn a tiny hole in my eye with a laser)
- Come back, eat, and study for Algebra midterm.

Wednesday:
- School (World Languages, Law and Society, hour break, Algebra Midterm, Written Final in CPR)
- Study for Algebra Final

Thursday:
- School (Same as Tuesday, with Algebra Final after Psych)
- There will also be a final in Law and a final in World Languages on that day. Joy.

Then there's the Psych test and the CPR Practical on the 9th.

Oh, and my first actual, corrective surgery is on the 11th.

Plus, I have things I want to write. I have way too many half-finished books and fan-fics.

So this is just going to be a long first half of the month. But that's what's been going on. I promise I will get back to my RP blogs and my fan-fic blog soon - I just want to get through the rest of this quarter alive.

You know...

...maybe the key to my getting anything at all done is feeling pissed off and like a complete and utter failure.

No, really. See, when I feel like this (slightly less so now but it's still there), all I want to do is study - after I stop crying and wanting to step in front of a bus. If I just wait for a while that feeling goes away on its own and I'm left with this sense of calm 'that's enough now'. If I could learn to throw a leash on that feeling, I'd be golden.

When I'm like this, I hate myself just enough to want to do something. When I'm like this, I want to write. I want to get my company off the ground and be good enough to raise the money I'd need to go to NYU and double major in psychology and linguistics. Then I want to go to Japan for a year or two - writer, therapist, artist. Most of all, I'd just like to stop being such a damn disappointment to myself and everyone around me.

'One day at a time' only works if you're doing something every day. That's another thing to get through my head.

So I'm going to see what I can't do to pull myself out of this. Wish me strength, blessings, and coffee.

This is easier than I'm making it.

Like so much of my life.

I have:
- Algebra to study (it's easier than I thought it was, I just wasn't using all my tools)
- RP replies to do (seriously, I've been sitting on a lot of them because of school and what appears to be depression. So that's really fun. And someone checked in with my Trager blog and said the following: [That's what I figured, just wanted to check in anywaaay. Even if I'm too shy to make any decent RP attempts, I'm a big fan of your character portrayal and I hope you can kick those lame life problems right in the butt! ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ])
- Writing to do (NaNoWriMo waits for no gender non-conforming individual.)
- 'Outlast' fics to do (some people like what I write. Who knew?)

And really, that's about it for what 'has' to be done, at least for the next little while. How hard is that? (Answer: It isn't.) So, yeah. I'm making this a lot harder than it ever needs to be. And you know what the worst part is? I'm aware of it.

In fact, I'm aware of a lot of things. Huh.

Also, the trip for DashCon is booked so *SCREAMS*

So yeah, that's about where all that is. I do sometimes wonder if it's legit depression. I wouldn't be surprised... That and my weight and the length of my nails. Those are problems for me too.

But anywho... I'm not where where I'm going with any of this other than 'I'm not dead, I'm just kind of sad.' and 'I really hope this gets better soon because it's really freaking annoying'. And I will see you all again sometime before the end of the month.

Assuming 5 a.m.

Assuming that I can actually get up (not just wake up) when my alarm goes off:

- WRITE (You've been terrible about this lately.)
- email that guy about that thing at school
- Catch up with people for a little while (because friends are <3)
- Listen to WTNV (You're behind. You should fix that.)
- Read
- SCHOOL -
- Sketch/plan/read on break
- Accept PTK membership (Yeah, Phi Theta Kappa. It's invite-only, so that's a little awesome.)
- Study things (seriously even like an hour total would help)
- Reply to RP posts and write Outlast/FAKE/IWTV stuff and junk like that.

That's really about it for right now. That is not that difficult. Could use some fine-tuning but... yeah.

For right now, though, I'm going to go to sleep because I am actually tired.

I'll try to make the next entry something actually interesting. No promises though.

Welcome to the Banned Books List

Want to avoid getting banned/challenged?

- You can't have any mention of cannibalism.
- Your book can't mention any body parts.
- You can't talk about religion.
- You can't have any mention of sex.
- You can't talk about sexuality.
- You can't talk about gender unless it is cis and not crime investigation kind either.
- You can't talk about sexual orientation.
- You can't talk about class or classism.
- You can't swear, including the word "damn."
- You can't talk about child abuse.
- You can't mention any drugs, including alcohol, especially with teenagers drinking it.
- You can't take the Lord's name in vain.
- You can't have it be morally corrupt.
- No characters may ever die once.
-- No dead parents.
-- You may not mention anyone dead or dying.
-- No young infants dying.
- Children can't do violence, especially to adults or to each other. Especially school violence.
- And by all means it can't be "icky." "gross" or "scary"
- No talk or showing of nudity.
- No talking about over eating/bad eating habits.
- It can't be a "Downer"
- No children defying authority figures.
- You, the author, can't be (which is a new "feature" of book banning):
-- LGBT

And no, this is not the whole list, these are just the ones that are likely with the book I'm planning. So, yeah, this is gonna be fun.

There was really no point to this other than that. NaNo is coming.

I'm going to put a proper post together later but for right now, I think I'm just going to read, do a couple RP replies, and hope this headache goes away.

So this was kind of a pick-me-up.

Some background on this chat which made me happy: I wrote an Outlast fic when I was wanting to gut someone the other night. It was about our poor, brave reporter being cornered by The Twins and getting his tongue cut out. It has 18 notes as of this writing so I guess I'm not the only sick bunny out there ^w^ [Some of the tags added in reblogs include 'loud yelling', 'inspiration' and (possibly the one that made me smile the most) 'art'.]

Friend 1: Alright. Whoever made that Tongue fic needs a handshake but also a punch in the nose i am literally crying
Friend 1: THATS HORRIBLE IM
Friend 2: i know holy shit
Friend 1: I WAS SITTING IN THE CAR READING IT SO WHEN I STARTED DRIVING AGAIN
Friend 1: I WAS IN PAIN JUST
Friend 1: TRYING NOT TO FLY OFF THE ROAD LIKE "MIIILLESSS DB"
Friend 4: it was rabbit
Friend 1: Sobbing
Friend 4: :'DD
Friend 1: CURLS UP
Friend 1: SCREAMS
Friend 2: well now I gotta go read it
Friend 1: ITS SO PAINFUL
Friend 3: ur heart will die
Friend 3: i csn t even type
Friend 2: they said that about Supernatural and I sat throguh that shit like a man
Friend 1: my heart was already dead. but it came back to life
Friend 1: and then stabbed it again
[]
Friend 2: ok yeah that was intense yo
Friend 1: Im crying
Friend 1: I was shaking when i was driving home
German Artist Friend: rabbit is awesome. this one made me feel very sick :'D
Friend 4: how do writing

So, yeah, I'm a little happy.

Also, I got my hair cut:

(and it's super-cute - I look like me ^^) and my Algebra wasn't... as bad as it could have been. I need time more than anything. It's just not something that I can just sit down and study for hours on end - I start getting tense and stabby.

So, time. Bite-sized pieces. It's a lot easier to break down a difficult concept then to try to swallow everything whole.

*sigh*

Basically, I just need to get it though my head that 'One day at a time' means just that. That and the fact that I apparently have some measure of talent in several areas. The idea of that is still weird to me though...

Working on it.

I think the phrase for the next little while is going to be 'Working on it'.

Wish me books and sleep, everyone. I feel like I'm going to need them.

Ignore This

For the record, large and uncaring universe, I am torn between simply saying 'No, okay? I'm putting my foot down. I refuse to waste another minute going along learning something I despise and ultimately have no use for just a degree I barely want.' and just keeping my head down and wrecking my sleep schedule to study because it does not matter if I'm tired or if I get sick from it - I'm not allowed to fail. I refuse to allow myself to fail.

And those two sides are at each other's throats right now and, honestly? I don't know what to do so I'm just sitting in the dark and... thinking right now. I need to write. I can't leave my emotions where they are - that never ends well.

So. A couple quarters of drug-out hell or an intense period of feeling like an utter disappointment - like someone who's too unstable and flighty even to handle a college class?

Thoughts?

Very good day ^w^

First off, my friends are amazing. I knew Outlast was a good thing when I saw it and I was right and it's been awesome ^^ I'm in a Skype group chat thing and I have RP blogs (That people actually notice) and I get to talk to friends and watch livestreams of movies and people drawing fanart and just wow LOVE

Pretty much everyone wished me happy birthday too and I felt really loved.

I'm 21. And I'm going to have to get used to the fact that I am, legally, an adult - even though I don't feel like one and probably never really will.

Also, I have things:

This is probably going to be very heavy and very interesting and I'm half-looking forward to and half-dreading reading it. It came sealed up in plastic wrap (I haven't opened it yet) and that always makes me nervous. But yeah, that's pretty awesome.

Everyone in the WriMo community knows exactly what this thing is. This thing is the bane of my existence pretty much every year, throughout the month of August.

Yep. It's that time of year again.

This one is an anniversary edition so it's like hella big. So many good authors in this one though, I swear.

This is the Plague. The Plague is adorable. Love The Plague.

And the Bookworm <3 CUTE

Everything here is just awesome okay?

Oh, yeah... there was one more thing:

Yeah. This is gonna be bad for my sleep schedule, I'm pretty sure. I don't necessarily care though. It's a really fun game ^^

I'm about to fall on my face because it's just after 2 a.m. here so... please forgive any typos and bye for now, everyone <3 I'd say I'll try to update a little more consistently in the future but we all know that that's a lie so... I'll see you when I see you, basically. Have an awesome day~

So some people are awesome

The Outlast fandom. Yes, the tag has a tendency to make me rage but the RPers are pretty much gold. I wound up with a Miles blog (still sort of finding my footing there) and a Trager blog (pretty much like breathing, which made me nervous until I remembered that I was a writer) and it's been insanely fun. So that's awesome. It keeps me writing more consistently too and that's a very good thing.

I have some threads to reply to so I'll probably go and do that pretty soon. 'A new man came into town today' and 'Doctor's Practice' mainly. There's also a 'Silky' RPer, who I just found yesterday~ (It's sort of a fan-nickname for a character in a gag, blindfold, and straitjacket who follows Miles around for a little while and rambles things like 'Silky... you look so silky', 'I need to tell you a secret', and 'Are you my friend?')

I have some shows to watch and a book to finish reading too.

On an almost completely unrelated note:

My eyesight is terrible. Like really terrible. 20/20 is considered really good and that means that if you and someone else stand 20 ft. away from something, you both see it the same way. 20/30 means that you see at 20 ft. what they see at 30 ft. The higher that second number is, the worse your vision is. That scale goes all the way up to 20/800.

I am off that scale. My vision is worse than 20/800. I'm like 20/Movement and Fingers. So that means LASIK is out because it wouldn't give me enough of a correction without shearing off nearly all of the tissue in my cornea, which just isn't safe. So I'm looking into some other options.

Oh and someone from the NaNo forums [in fact, this lovely person here] made me a cover:

Isn't it cool?

Well, I kind of love it anyway. Not zoned for commercial use, sadly (because I totally would) but yeah, really awesome <3 And it gives me an idea of what I should probably try to do with the final version of the official cover.

So that's where all that is.

For now, I need to go do my replies and junk like that, and then maybe sit down and plan for NaNo a little bit. I usually don't but this year it's one of those books that I think would benefit from at least a somewhat stable outline.

Bye for now, everyone. I'll try to check in again soon~

Things

'im drunk and i send you smooches and postatgingie tomorrowww and im happyy okay bye kisses' - sent by a relatively new friend of mine.

It's a little sad but do you know what my first thought was? "Aw, you thought of me when you were drunk <3".

But no, yeah, there is a point to this post. And that point is as follows:

NaNoWriMo

About a month away.

So here is a list of everything that I need to get done before then (not including schoolwork)

• 11 Outlast fics / 1 FAKE fic
• Outline/plan for NaNo project (seriously, this one is wordy and character-heavy; don't think you can wing this one)
• Work on Other Book - because you need to. It's interesting and it's been sitting around for way too long. You also need to finish/edit the first one.
• Pretty much the same goes for The Book.
• In fact, plan and outline for EVERYTHING.
• Finish reading letters to a young activist (at least)
• Watch your shows in your spare time (assuming that you have spare time)
• Also? Finish your crochet intestine scarf thing.

So yeah. A lot of writing and general work will need to take place.

Here's hoping that my anxiety and general mental health don't decide to make things needlessly difficult for me.

I drew a thing

This thing:

It's a Dead Space Necromorph. I found my favourite picture of one (it's the sculpture one - it's really cool) and stayed up for about two hours last night staring at it and drawing this little guy. Inn't he cute?

It's so weird to me though because I stopped drawing (just kind of fell out of it) when I was... wow, maybe fourteen? I'm almost 21 now and this... this is what I choose to get back into drawing with???

*sigh* I don't know, right now my entire brain is just like:

• ??????
• ???????????
• ???????!!

So. Yeah.

A lot is going on right now. I'm planning a lot of things. I'm slowly getting back into my writing groove. Oh, and an illustrator offered me a gift - an Outlast art request - since I'd been writing for the series for a little while. So that was really awesome ^.^

Mum and I are going to have to make up a schedule like we did for the last quarter because my classes are set up in an unforgivably stupid way. I just... it really makes me want to punch people. I don't understand why people can't set things up logically and clearly.

But that's not the point. The point is that I'm still alive, I want to draw, I want to write, I want to sew, I kind of want to do ALL THE THINGS.

So. I'm going to let my computer charge and then try to figure out just what the hell is going on with school. I mean, seriously now.

*headdesk*

I'm gonna go eat and then maybe write about journalists.

School Again Soon

I'm not sure how to feel. I haven't been on campus in a while. I know where my classes are at least and that's good. I always get ridiculously stressed about school and then I'm fine after about the first week.

Also, on a completely random note, this thing [right here] lets you listen to Wikipedia. Pluck sounds are an addition, strings are subtractions, and the pitch says how big the edit is. It's just really amazing to sit and listen to.

Oh, and because I have this open and I'm pretty sure not a lot of people read this blog anyway

Birthday wishlish thing:

• MKULTRA : The CIA's Top Secret Program in Human Experimentation and Behavior Modification [book]
• The CIA Doctors: Human Rights Violations by American Psychiatrists [book]
• Really anything decent about MKUltra or OPERATION PAPERCLIP. It's really interesting to me for some reason.
• Giant Microbes are always a good bet.
• The Milestone Anthology for this year.

I might think of a game I want to beg for by then but for right now, these are the things I've been thinking about the most. ... You, know, looking at this, I think I understand why I have very few friends.

Oh, well XD

*SCREAMS*

This thing. THIS THING HERE IS OUT and I'm in it.

Also:

• I just read your fic and it was fantastic! That’s exactly how I imagined things going on.
• I love the way you write.
• I love fanfics when the picture is in your head and you feel like watching a movie, that’s [the] kind of fanfics I appreciate, because not everyone has this thing. You can read and you don’t see the picture clearly, and when you’re done reading, you can’t remember what was all that about. But in your case when I try to remember what it was all about - it flashes like a movie.
• You described Miles so in character
• Thank you so much for writing, it’s the best thing I’ve read in a long time.
• It’s so hard to find this kind of fanfics, so everytime time I find something - it’s like treasure.
• So thank you so much for writing, your fic really made my day.
• Please, never stop writing Outlast fics! They’re just too great.

All of that ^^^ was in a longer post that someone made about a simple, rambly little thing I wrote about Miles Upshur (from the game Outlast). It was 1,105 words and it took me... maybe two-to-three hours total, edits and all (it's hard to say since I was distracted a lot of the day, working in fits and starts).

But this is how my mind works: I see all of this, read and reread it several times, clip out pieces to put in this post, and I will bet you two of my fingers (lol Outlast reference) that I forget about it in a few days and go back to doubting myself. Why? It's like I can't accept the fact that I have some measure of talent and that that's been improved by all the writing I've been doing and that maybe - just maybe - I'd have a chance on my own, under my own banner, so to speak.

Maybe I need to work on that.

My grandparents were both impressed by that little traffic report I wrote (Grandpa even said my writing was 'brilliant') and Mum has always been supportive - she's even told me that I was better than her at fiction (which I just asdfghjkl;) and then there's all the sweethearts I seem to meet online who like the little things I write and I just... *sigh* yeah. It's... it's been a day today.

Pictures and Stuff Like That

First off, a new blog theme has been fitted on tumblr:

This new theme features all pages contained in the spinning disk on the sidebar, cleaning up the interface and leaving more room for description and decoration. The colour scheme is black, purple, white, and blue and the background is an image of New York City, featuring a quote from Gottfried Leibniz on the right-hand side.

This new theme is expected to last well into 2014.

And now, a look at the academic calendar:

Stress is expected and participants in all academic activities are reminded to take frequent breaks for video games and social media. *shuffles papers* Oh. It seems that two classes have been added to the three seen here - Algebra and an Introduction to World Languages. In the interest of saving both trees and money, neither of these classes require textbooks.

In addition to their standard academic studies of mind control and medical care, students will also be learning about microbes this year. Each student will get to take home and look after cute, fuzzy giant microbes just like this guy:

Mortimer the Mad Cow Microbe. Bovine spongiform encephalopathy never looked so cute~

And now, traffic:

The world is quiet. Darkness floods the streets in slow motion, bleeding out from the evening's long shadows. The stars hang low in their black velvet ocean.

The car's tires squeal as it rounds the corner, losing traction and sliding.

"Stop the car!" the woman screams. "Stop the car!"

The man doesn't listen. He stands on the accelerator.

The car runs onto the grass and stops, scraping the retaining wall and resting, wedged onto the neighbourhood's water main. The man runs down a long hill. And the woman runs down a dark street. And the neighbours, having heard the crash, pull on their shoes and take the steps down to the night-flooded street at a jog.

The car's lights are flashing but there is no horn, no water hissing, no sound but the concerned murmurs and calls of the neighbours, fading in the still, slightly sticky air left over after a warm day.

The woman is found. She is bleeding but fixable. She is walking and speaking and the police arrive and she walks and speaks with them. I walk and speak with my neighbours, on the night-flooded street, while the stars hang low in their black velvet ocean.

This has been - traffic.*

And now, the weather.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wonderful news, Writerland.

I am, of course, very aware of the date today. While I refuse to completely ignore the significance of the eleventh of September in American history, I feel that I am not qualified (or possibly not eloquent enough) to speak on it at length. Or at all, to be perfectly honest.

On quite a different note, I feel I have to share that today is the one month anniversary of my friendship-marriage to my darling Ryo - a very wonderful friend of mine. I really couldn't ask for a better friend than her and I am so glad that she stumbled across an old post of mine and sent me a message. It's likely that we never would have started talking without that. And I really can't express how saddened I am at that thought.

We'll meet for the first time AFK* at DashCon in 2014 and it would be impossible to explain how much I'm looking forward to it.

Now, Writerland, as the sun rises and day begins for many of you, I leave you with this, one of my favourite quotations:

"...A little acid, sharpness or bitterness is often more pleasing than sugar; shadows enhance colours; and even a dissonance in the right place gives relief to harmony."

Do not fear the darkness; it resides within each of us. Do not fear the pain of living; it is pain that reminds us that we live. Embrace all that life has for you, be it good, bad, or simply the cold gnawing of utter apathy. Know that you feel because you live. And you live because your existence matters. This world - this lovely, broken mess of a world - would not be the same without you.

Goodnight, Writerland. Goodnight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* This actually happened. Some idiot wrecked at the end of the block and then bailed from the car - I just Night Vale'd the report up a little.
** Away From Keyboard

I have ideas

Like, I have ideas for NaNoWriMo already. This is so dumb.

I want to do this biopunk/spy thing for it. I'm not sure exactly what I want to do but there's so many story ideas in that combination that I just... yeah.

Shorter post because I have been up all night eating pizza and cookies, writing, and watching Markiplier and co. play Drunk Minecraft and as such I am a little loopy and having a lot of feelings about Harry Potter. #RavenclawPride

So. I hope everyone has a very, very good September. I think I'm getting my writing bug back and I just hope that it sticks around for a while now. Maybe that company idea isn't quite so far out of reach.

The story for the AugNo Anthology is done and sent (I would have loved some confirmation but I don't think I had any the year before last and everything was fine so, yeah). I'll be loading some of that (like a preview) onto the site here fairly soon and that should help me feel like things are a little more completed - like I'm actually getting somewhere. I'm looking for that site - and the company - to go live in 2014 so... wish me luck on that.

I've noticed that Writer's New Year (kind of like Chinese New Year?) doesn't seem to happen on the first of the calendar year. Instead, it happens on the first of November. Save the date and make your resolutions.

So, yeah, I'll be updating the projects in the sidebar here pretty soon (probably not too long after this post goes up) to reflect SeptNoWriMo, which you can find [here], and my goals for that. I'm excited and tired and a little hungry... and almost lonely. And I'm just not sure what I'm feeling right now so...

Bye for now, everyone. Get back to work, fellow WriMos~ And I will see you all in the next update.

Pointless Updates

My current Twitter:

My current tumblr (activity stream because it's easier to see how dark it is/what it changed):

And my current YouTube:

I am very productive. /blatantlies

No, but really, they have Stylish for Chrome and I was so happy when I found that out - like, you don't even know.

In other news, I have one day left to finish a story for the AugNo anthology this year. Joy. Really, like it has to be in by the time she gets up on the first. And she's on Eastern time. So, yeah.

I'm going to go and maybe write a little. Or I might go upstairs and snag some pizza out of the fridge. Yeah. That sounds like a good idea right now. I don't know anymore. I have to figure out what's going on with this freaking story...

And than I have to go back and edit.

Yay.

This has been a pointless update to let you all know that I'm still alive.

*scurries off to find food*

That's Unsettling 8D

Guess what, kids? Look what I found:

This is slightly unsettling, especially because it feeds right in with the story I was writing for the AugNo anthology this year. I was clicking around researching for an actual location to set the thing in but I wanted a paper town - a town that existed as a copyright trap for mapmakers - and I stumbled across this question.

So the story is now set in Steve's Landing.

Joy.

Things.

And things.

Okay.

Section One: AugNoWriMo

AugNoWriMo. Is a thing. Which I am doing. This thing. It's a fun thing. It's a thing that you should do, too. Next year. Or this year. Soon. And then forever. Never stop writing.

Section Two: DashCon/Cosplay

Okay, I don't know what happened with Section One but it's typed out now and I'm not changing it.

So...

I'm thinking about my cosplay list for DashCon. I mean, I'm getting Ryo into different fandoms so I wonder if we'll wind up messing with the line up a little. Right now I'm going as Dee Laytner (the first day), fem!Dee (the second day), and Drake (the last day). I want to keep Dee in my line up, whatever else I might do but I kind of want to throw Touko Fukawa from 'Dangan Ronpa' and/or Cecil from 'Welcome to Night Vale' in there somewhere. 'Course, I'll be at Dash Prom in Cecil cosplay anyway... I don't know, I'm just rambling.

Section Three: There is no Section Three. There never was a Section Three. Move along.

That's about the extent of it. Oh, and I watched 'Don't Hug Me I'm Scared' a while ago. Weird video. Really interesting if you think about the deeper meaning but still really weird.

So, yeah. I'm alive, I'm just trying to get back into writing and I kind of suck at updating things.

I am not dead.

I am, however, very tired. I'm pretty sure that my legs and back will not like me by morning. BUT. That's kind of okay because all of the stuff is out of the rental and in the new house and I am so done (like 5000% done) with moving for a good long while now.

Also, I've had an idea for a friendship basket.

Basically, the deal is that a friend of mine and I will make up these small-to-medium sized baskets full of things that we love but are okay parting with (like copies of things we really like and/or things that we've made just for the basket) and then switch them at DashCon. That way, we have a reminder of the trip and we get to know each other a little better through what we filled the baskets with.

I love the idea, really, and I've been working on a list.

• A small book/binder of ramblings/letters/photos/drawings/etc.
• A mixtape/mixCD (are those even cute anymore?)
• 2 scarves (one green and black, one pink and white – need softer yarn for these)
• One Tiger/Bunny plush (they can’t be that hard to make)
• One plush moose (with tag reading 'I moose you')
• One ‘Welcome to Night Vale’ painting on small-to-medium canvas (Welcome to Night Vale)
• One ‘Heart’ painting on small-to-medium canvas (anatomically correct/paint or ink and coloured pencils) - (Depraved Heart Murder at Sanatorium Square)
• Maybe a couple/three duct tape flowers/pens
• Writing! You’re a writer – there should be writing of some kind.

The small book/binder is going to be an on-going thing for the next (almost) year, the mixtape will take a little bit to figure out (since I want to splice in some Night Vale stuff), the scarves are pretty simple to make and the Tiger/Bunny (and the moose) plush shouldn't be too much of a hassle. The paintings, I'm looking forward to even though they'll probably cause me a little trouble before I get them to a point where I'm happy with them. I am prepared for this. Duct tape is a speciality of mine so the flowers aren't a big deal. And the writing... well, I have one story almost done already so... yeah.

That's just a first-draft list but I can't see things changing too much. I like it as is ^^

But yeah, that's about where I am. Awake, writing, planning, wanting to organise things but the paint isn't done yet so I kind of can't - at least not completely. But things are getting done and my room is really cosy so yay~

I appear to have straight A's again and that's nice. Oh, and my grandparents were up to visit for a few days (before turning around and driving two-or-three days back to rest and pack up a moving truck) and it was just so nice to see them again.

And, yeah, this has gotten pretty rambly but I wanted you all to know that I'm all right - it's just that a lot has been going on lately. So... bye for now, everyone, and I will try not to let this blog just sit for so long in the future.

Another 2 AM

I feel like I've used that title before. Anyway.

Have a lot of tears:

'A Letter To Zachary'. It's a really, really good documentary but it's so painful.

I think tonight will be spent listening to Markiplier to cheer myself back up and writing because I need to write a lot more than I do. I need to be kicking so much more ass than I actually am. I totes mcscrotes need to be more awesome. (I'm sorry, I'm sad and I just wanted to use that phrase.)

Basically, this was just because I felt like I needed to update. School only has a couple of weeks left and I am very, very glad. So...

Bye for now, people. I am still alive, I'm just not updating much because we'll be moving soon and that's stressful. But, yeah, I'm still around.

Creativity = insanity + talent.

I've been working on the website... all the - *bricked in the head* Why? Why? I hate that song!

No, yeah, I'm actually doing a... a thing with my writing... and some other people's writing. And it's gonna be awesome. But first I have to get through school.

I have about three and a half weeks left and then a six week break (at least, I think it's six weeks) which is really good because I've have bitten my nails down to the point where they bleed and that's just not good at all. Speaking of, I have things to read for that.

I drank a bunch of coffee and now I want to dance and I'm kind of nervous about the world.

And DashCon. I'm nervous about DashCon, too but in that excited way. (If you don't know about DashCon, look it up because it is amazing.) I want to be a total geek and learn the Hare Hare Yukai dance to do with a friend of mine because GEEKS~!

For right now, though, I have things to read and questions to answer, which sort of brings us full circle. So. Bye for now. Expect progress meters to be put up pretty soon - likely without titles because I like keeping the mystery going - and... yeah. 

Have an awesome day~

I'm all fired up so here, have some videos

[Operation: Awake The Masses]

The phrasing might not have been what I would have chosen in some spots but the core message is basically one I agree with. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm just running on this wheel and getting nowhere. Maybe this is why - or at least a part of why. I'm sick of the world as it is. I realise that America is not all bad and that there are a lot of good things about this country and there are places that are much worse but that doesn't mean that I should be expected to be quiet about the things that piss me off about the way the country is run.

It is the right of the American public to use any and all tools available to them to protest the tyrannical reign of their current government and its corporate masters. To abandon this right is to abandon hope.

So, in the spirit of that:

Above: A short documentary on cyber-security and London's CCTV cameras.

And an interesting one about where we might be headed as a nation. It feels a little Hollywood in spots but it's an interesting if frightening future to consider, even in passing.

And this one, probably my favourite of the group. It's about a year old but still really solid. Six parts. Take notes.

Honestly, I could write a book on things this. Easily. And I might but it would take a while and a lot of research. For now, say 'hi' to the 'activist/blogger/author' hybrid I'm (currently) hoping to be.

Have a link to music: [Vox Populi: Songs To Overthrow Oppressive Regimes To]

[INTERNALLY SCREAMING]

DashCon, people!

ASDFGHJKL;

DashCon

This thing. This thing right here.

It's basically tumblrCon and it's in 2014 and the tickets/trip can be my birthday present. I won't ask for anything else - I'm not kidding.

Just wanted to put that out there.

*sigh* Okay...

I still have to read my Philosophy extracts, read my English assignments, post to the boards, edit the next chapter of Twelfth Generation, get as far in Maths as I can, finish reading 'The Smithsonian Institution', and write for Camp NaNoWriMo.

*groan*

I think I'm just going to answer my messages and then try to go to sleep. Get up and work in the morning, when I'm (hopefully) feeling a little less achy and stabby.

I've been thinking

Not very hard, but... I have way too many blogs on here that I'm just not using. I mean, I have about 60 that I'm pretty sure I'm never going to do anything with.

I don't know what's going on right now, I just - I have to do something.

School starts today. So does Camp NaNoWriMo. So that means that I have things to read and write and keep up with. Part of me feels like this is just an unstable year - where things are just strange and you start to figure things out but you can't quite put it into words or action just yet.

I have a story that I've been 'editing' - and I use that term lightly - for months now and that's really going nowhere because I'm sick of looking at it. I have no idea what I want to do with my site - you know, the one that I've been re-working for the past, what, year? Year and a half? Maybe more than that? I don't even know anymore.

My head hurts.

For right now, I think I'm going to get something to eat and go sign into the maths lab thing so I don't fall behind. That's one thing I'll really have to watch about having a semester online - I tend to put things off instead of getting them done early. Which is very annoying because I want to be the type of person who has everything done yesterday.

Anyway.

Bye for now, everyone~ I'll see you again soon.

I'm Awake

This is kind of a problem seeing as it's around 5 in the morning.

Really quickly:

I'm on Wattpad. You can find the widget in the sidebar. I'm slowly getting things edited and I have collected a follower, amazingly.

I went to the Goodwill and came back with clothes and shoes and books and it was a very good trip ^^ I found the third Harry Potter book, The Uglies, The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night-time, and Daughter of Smoke and Bone. And pinstriped things. Lots and lots of pinstripes. So, yeah, good trip. (Although my brain decided to make me laugh in the dressing room by saying "I'll be right out - I just want to see how my girl-goods look in ruffles." My brain is odd.)

Camp NaNoWriMo starts soon (on the same day as my next semester). I have an idea I would dearly love to do - I even have a beta-reader for it - but I'm really just hoping that I have the time.

For right now though, this has been an 'I'm still alive' update. I will probably try to sleep here pretty soon since the coffee's starting to wear off a little. I'll check back in soon~

Okay

This post has lists. Also, I managed to get my old theme back, which is kinda great because I like it.

For tonight:

- Re-watch 'Tiger and Bunny' (Why: FEELINGS)
- Work on website
- WRITE
- Read
- Reply to RP posts

Things I need:

- A good, workable plan that I actually stick to
- More confidence in myself
- A good workout routine
- A space that is completely mine and feels like mine
- A binder (because biogirl + big boobs + gender weirdness = ??? Also for cosplay.)
- A good Japanese language course

Things I want eventually/as I can:

- Coloured jeans
- Striped shirts
- Pinstriped suits
- Scarves
- Killer heels
- Good men's dress shoes
- Corsets
- A good lingerie set or two (because I can)
- A good mix of underwear

I have so many ideas in my head for the house, I can't even function right now. I'm thinking, attitudes are affected by the way we act so all I have to do is keep up the act of being the greatest thing on two legs and, well, maybe it'll start to be a little true as time goes on.

Gah, I wanna go work on the house but it's not even ours yet. *headdesk* Okay. I'm just gonna sit up and work tonight. Finals are over (and I got a 90 on my last Psych test so, yeah). So glad that's over for right now. I have a little break and then 20 credit hours over the summer. I think I'm gonna try to work ahead a little once the online classrooms open up.

/NERD

Anyway. That's where that is. I'm way too full of nachos so I'm gonna curl up and watch TV for a little while and then curl up in bed and write until I get too tired to sting sentences together. I get to sleep in in the morning \(^o^)/

Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.

I have books

Well, I always have books but now I have school books:

English Comp II

Maths:

Philosophy:

and Sociology:

So... yeah. All this is crammed into about eight weeks of online courses.

That's... yeah.

I know I'll be fine but that's 20 credit hours right there.

*sigh*

I think I'm going to get that paper done - Crew Cut (meaning my English teacher - he cut his hair recently because he got tired of combing it) gave me an interesting idea: What is the separation between our authentic self and the self created to fit with mainstream society? In addition, to what degree are we in control of our authentic self?

Thing is, I only have five pages. I'm not sure I can answer that in five pages. Plus I'm tying it in with a 1999 study of how action figures have changed over the years and how that may be contributing to the rates of eating disorders in men, so I have to choose my quotes pretty carefully so it doesn't come off as too clinical.

And this is due by noon tomorrow.

If anyone is bracing to go to college, pay attention to this. This is will be your life soon.

And that was creepier than it needed to be. Moving on...

I will try to do Camp NaNoWriMo next month since school will be out of the way for a while but I haven't been writing much lately. This annoys me greatly.

So. I'm going to go down some coffee, get that done, and then maybe plan or write a little. I just have too much stuff in my head right now, I think. I'm just trying to plan for too much.

Back to work.... Bye for now~

New Theme

Because the old one was being stupid.

Anyway.

I found a TARDIS blue balloon today. Just found it. Random TARDIS balloon.

And there's a movie called 'Funny Games' that I might want to watch. But that's completely random information, really.

So. Here is a list:

- Finish blog post
- Reply to RP post
- Work on final essay for English
- Listen to a couple of mixes on 8Tracks
- Watch slenderseries on YouTube
- Read

Not too bad, right?

I'm thinking of taking the weekend and getting that paper done and that way I can leave it alone for a day or so, edit, then turn it in (no revision opportunity on this one).

I'm going to try to come up with a better post explaining everything here pretty soon but for now, I'm not dead! YAY~!

I'll see you soon (hopefully with a plan).

I should be writing.

Iced coffee and smoke
And the words that she wrote
That's what gloomy days are made of.

So I'm feeling strange lately. I really should be working (writing) because I feel so much better when I do.

But I can't seem to.

I have a paper due soon. Can't focus. It'll get done - because it has to - but I can't focus. At least I have a rough idea of where I'm going with it. That's more than I had a while ago.

It shouldn't take me too long to get it done. Even if I fly through the first draft, I should have a decent stretch of time to fix it. My second essay got me a 91.6 and that was essentially a first draft so I think I'll be fine if I don't just put in pointless fluff to fill space.

On top of all that, I'm kind of, sort of learning Japanese again. I say 'again' because I knew a little before but I had no one to speak it with so I kind of quit. Not this time!

(I am just having fits with this right now. I think I'm just gonna free associate and tie it all together later. That usually works pretty well. As long as it's done by the final due date, I'm not going to worry about it. I over-think and I worry too much. I know there's a balance in there, I just have to find it.)

I might want to go overseas after all. I mean, when am I going to get to do that again? Even if it's not as high on my list anymore, it's still a good experience and Evergreen has so many places - it's really just insane. I don't know - I'll think about it. (I'll admit, part of the reason I want to go is so I can use the tag 'prague blogging' at least once. But that's beside the point.)

I'm not sure how to say it. Things are just weird right now. Change.

Everything will probably click here pretty soon. Things usually do around this time. It's like I can feel it coming on now just because it's happened so much.

Well. It's late and I still have to take down a few notes for maths tomorrow. So. Bye for now, guys and girls... or whatever.

(X)

Things

I found this on my hand today:

IDK but there it is.

It was on my maths notes too. I don't remember drawing it, though. 'Course I've been a little out of it lately so I probably shouldn't freak out too much. My memory has never been great for most things.

Anyway.

I'm starting on JuNoWriMo, finally, and that means research. Specifically on the city of St. Louis. Why? That's classified.

But I'll probably be complaining on Twitter pretty soon, so watch out for that. I'll be taking notes for this one. Really, I should have been taking story notes all along, for every project but of course, that totally didn't happen.

I guess I'm just getting tired of myself. The thing is, around this time of night, I feel completely different. Either very good and like I could handle anything or very bad and like I might break.

Either way, I'm not sure what to do with it. I feel... conflicted. Like I'm not doing something right or like something's been changed with my knowing about it. I need to clean things out and reorganise but I kind of can't until we can get moved. At least I have an idea though. That's more than I had a while ago.

Home inspection tomorrow. At least then that'll be out of the way.

I hope things even out soon. I mean, they are better, but I think I was hoping for a little too much all at once when I started feeling better for longer than a few hours at a time. I'm sure I'll get back to where I can function at a somewhat normal level but for now, I'm going to keep my head down and muddle through. Things will clear up. They always do if you keep moving.

So. It's late but I'm going to go work on things until I actually feel tired.

Goodnight, everyone~

I haven't been sleeping well.

I haven't. I'm awake until around two or three in the morning and when I do fall asleep, I'm tense. It's like I just don't relax. I can't focus at all so any little thing feels like an accomplishment. I mean, this:

This did not take me long at all but I was all happy when it was done. (It's just a mock up for a story I'm considering for Camp NaNoWriMo. It's not that big of a deal.)

*sigh*

Anyway.

It's been rough lately. It's after midnight on a school night and I'm still awake and I get the feeling that the next few days will be very, very long. We're moving so that's always stressful. I'm a little in love with the house though. It's really cosy. (I really like the one we're renting too; it just isn't ours, you know?)

I want to write. I do. I mean I really do. I'm just terrified. I realise that successful people do things afraid, but that doesn't mean that it's easy.

So. I've been up and crying for a while. Just anxiety. (It sucks but it's just anxiety.) I know I need to sleep, though. No more early mornings but I'll be on campus until three tomorrow and I don't want to feel so drug out in Psych. That class is long enough as it is. (It's two hours and I'm not overly fond of the instructor.)

I don't have that much longer until we get a break for the semester, though. I'm hoping I can stick to online classes over the summer. I just need a little time to regroup.

But, yeah. I'm planning to be at Camp NaNoWriMo in July so that should help to take my mind off of things. I hope so. I've been feeling awful lately and I have no explanation for it aside from all the stress of the past few weeks. I realise that, psychologically, that's a completely valid reason but it doesn't feel like it.

Here, have a beautiful song:

I've been listening to this for a while because it's giving me feelings. Mary Black's voice is just beautiful, really.

I need to be trying to sleep so I think I'll wrap this up pretty soon. I don't know how I'm feeling, I guess is what it comes down to. It's like I don't know who I am, really. And, yes, I do realise that I'm twenty and almost no one has it together at this age - that's not the point. The point is that it's stressing me out.

I think I'm afraid of things working out. I'm a little scared of sending something off and getting it picked up. In addition I'm afraid of things not working out because then I'm stuck and (I feel like) people think I'm stupid/untalented/useless/etc.

So I can't win. The only way forward is to pick a path and stick with it unless and until it becomes clear that that choice is not the best one for where you are in your life right now. But that's terrifying too.

I think I'll just have to be stressed and scared for a while. That's probably what a lot of my life is going to be. I'm weirdly, sort of okay with that, in a Thanatos-heavy way.

I'm sure I'll be fine. I always am. Things are just... weird right now, is all.

But, I hope you all have been doing well. I'll be back to ramble at you soon.

Characters

Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen.

I figured it out. Basically I was trying to make a character's song something uplifting when it was actually this:

So... yeah. that's a pretty big gap.

I need to learn to trust myself a little, I guess.

That's the lesson for today, really. Very simple lesson. Shut up and listen to your characters. They'll tell you what to do.

WriYe - Part Whatever: 'Purple Prose'

The Most Flowery of Language - Purple Prose
Okay, so what do you consider to be purple prose? What is it? Give us an example. Do you love it? Hate it? Find it tolerable in small doses? Or do you think all shades of violet wording should be destroyed?

I'm going to use an old family phrase and say that, to me, 'purple prose' is kind of like porn. You might not be able to explain it but you know it when you see it.

(I come from an interesting family.)

No examples. Can't stand it (generally) so no. There are very few instances where I'd say that it's a smart artistic choice. You have a little more leeway in historical novels than you do with just about anything else.

In small doses, it can add a lot to a world but it's so easy to over-do that I tend to recommend people stay away from it as much as possible.

(I don't have much to say on this one, apparently. Yeah. Try to stay away from purple. It's a bad colour on books.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news: Yesterday, my day was made several times over.

'My fifteen-year-old would kill for those. They look cute on you.' <- about my shoes

'You're awesome!'

One spoken, one written, both reasons to pull my head out of the metaphorical oven.

Short post - WriYe is getting back on track, my life is evening out a little (not great but better), there's House Drama(TM), and people are moving and there's a lot of stress from that too.

But. Things are moving. It... it's getting there and I'm really glad for that.

Sometimes College is Interesting

Conformity is the self-inflicted wound on our social psyche. - Adam Turpin

This is an amazing quote. I love it to death. It can be used for so many things and it's true in so many cases. We were talking about the ethical responsibilities of businesses in English.

Anyway.

I think I found... a guess a 'muse' for a certain character I was having fits with. So, you know, yay me!

He's sort of a mix of this psycho:

And this model (Stav Strashko):

And that makes for a very... interesting person. I mean, he's just distressingly... good at his job. And that's a bad thing for several people.

Like, here's the song that kind of cemented the character for me (ULTRAnumb - Blue Stahli):

So, yeah. Been in my head for days. And all of that was utterly pointless to most people who are not me.

In other news:

Change. A lot of it. Like, everything. Here's the list:

- hair (decided)

- nail polish/cologne/any make-up (basically decided)

- tumblr url (still thinking - I kind of want something that isn't hyphenated)

- blogger url (still thinking)

- clothes/shoes (decided)

And then there's the general stuff - being in better shape and crap like that.

I am starting a lot of sentences with 'and' in this one. Huh.

Tomorrow (well, today now) is Monday. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I mean, I'm doing better, but still... I think maybe evening classes would be better for me. I seem to feel better and more productive at night.

But, yeah. I'm doing better. Not great but better. Sometimes I forget that I'm twenty and I'm not exactly settled in where I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Things are going to change - sometimes apparently overnight.

So. I hope you all have been doing better than I have over the last few days, and I hope that keeps up. I'll keep you guys posed on things as they happen and as I feel up to it.

Bye for now~

I used to give a damn about things.

I don't honestly know what happened.

I haven't even been able to write in over a week. I don't sleep well - when I do manage to fall asleep, I have nightmares or I keep waking up. I try to get through assignments without actually doing most of the work because, hey, the education system is crap and the world's going to hell anyway so what's the point?

And here's the thing: I don't want to be like this. But I have no idea how to stop. Half the time I don't even realise I'm doing this until way later.

My nails are a wreck too, now. I was doing so well with that.

I have all these ideas but... why? That's the biggest hurdle right now. I just have to try to get over the fact that I don't care and work.

At least the really hasn't started showing in my grades. I'm not sure I could handle that. I've always been the smart kid, you know?

Anyway.

I'm just glad that for right now, late on a Friday/early on a Saturday, there is nothing that I actually have to do. There are things I can do (like take down my notes/watch the lecture for Psych, post to the discussion forums for English), but nothing that has to be done right this second. So. I think I'm going to go to sleep soon and just try not to stress so much.

I have Psych, a little bit to do for Maths, some English (discussion groups and an essay to revise (and another one to do) and one to read), but that's it. That really won't take that long and then, hopefully, I can write for a while. I haven't been writing much lately.

There wasn't a WriYe blog post for April but the one for May is up on the site so I'll try to get it posted over the weekend.

I think a lot of my problem is just that I've lost my passion. For everything. If I can get back into writing like I want to, throwing myself headlong into imagined worlds, I might be a lot better off in the long run. I have a novella that's in its last edit and that's making me nervous. I might have a link for you guys soon. *panics*

But not right yet. Now we sleep and try not to panic over pointless things. You just worry about you and stop trying to get everything done right now. You have time. You have a lot of time. Calm down. Watch your shows. Keep up. Do well. Don't stress so much.

. . .

I'll see you all soon.

Something like an Open Letter

Just for the record, unless I actually ask for help, I'm not looking for you to find a way to 'fix it'. Most of the time, I'm just looking to talk.

There is nothing wrong with me - at least not the way I see it. I'm alone. And that's fine. Alone protects me. The fact that I'm not so eager to be my own personal cheering squad is actually a good thing. I can't stand telling myself that I have value or anything like that. I know I do. But I don't need to hear it all the time.

So what do I do? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Yes, this is the time in most people's lives when they'd be out making friends and travelling. That's great. It might be a lot of fun. But I don't really care about it. I don't really care, deep down, about anything (excluding family, obviously). I can barely handle school because I'm either bored or I don't see the point. Going on would be the better option, even with that, sure. I don't want to quit since it feels like failure.

I can't seem to get anything done writing-wise because, again, what is the point? I'm never going to survive in the market so why put myself out there just to get my hand slapped?

I want to be an embalmer but that's going to necessitate a lot of pain (don't really care), a lot of money (care more about that), and a lot of time spent shaking from exhaustion at four in the morning, draining the blood out of one of the few people having a worse day than you.

That doesn't scare me for the sole reason that, say it with me, I don't actually care. Not like I should. Not deep down. I'm sure I could do the job. I'm sure I'd do well at it once I got past the initial learning curve. But not for the right reasons.

So the quiet, artistic life makes much more sense. But, I refer you to my previous comment about surviving in the market.

I have no faith in myself. More than that, I don't understand the whole 'believing in yourself' thing. I think I realised that when we had to write up a scholarship letter. Even my achievements up till now don't seem like much.

I guess that's at the heart of all of this. I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to grit and determination. I like to think I do but I don't. I don't think I ever did.

This is the kind of stuff that goes through my head a lot. This is why I'm stressed out even when nothing is going on. I'm just really tired and I don't know how I got here and I don't know how to get out.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. Really just... talking. Ignore me. I have homework to get back to. I left my maths practice test downstairs and I need it to look over. At least we can use calculators on the test tomorrow.

"Your Sanity is Dangerously Low"

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.✧.｡.:*･’✧diamonds*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.✧.｡.:*･’✧

. . .

Yeah, I don't know either.

Okay. I have an essay to rework (even though I really just want it to be done and over with), and there are assignments due by the 14th that... yeah, I don't know what the purpose of them is. I think I just need to stop trying to find a practical application for anything in school anymore.

Maths is done, at least.

I have FYE too, though.

And suddenly, I want to change things. I mean, I switched the title of my tumblr (not the url, just the title), and cleaned out my 'following' list a little. Oh, and Twitter. Twitter changed. (Um, banner, @replies, and bio.)

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It is now after 11. My homework is just now done. I am exhausted and wired and my ear is starting to itch because it's healing.

This whole week has been like this. My numbers for 'Belief in Self' have actually gone down. I just... I don't even know anymore.

I have music for a little while and Hyperbole and a Half has a post so that made things a little better.

Short post but I'm amazingly tired so that's all you're getting right now. I hope this week evens out and I hope you've all been having an easier time of it because I had a pretty interesting crying jag yesterday and that... that was not fun. I mean, any time you come home and seriously contemplate throwing out all of your food so you have no choice but to quietly starve to death, it's a pretty bad moment.

But, yeah. I'm all right, I'm just tired and stressed and I'm pretty sure that this is going to be a thing for a lot longer than I'd like it to be.

I hope the rest of the week and the weekend is good to you all.