This did not take me long at all but I was all happy when it was done. (It's just a mock up for a story I'm considering for Camp NaNoWriMo. It's not that big of a deal.)
*sigh*
Anyway.
It's been rough lately. It's after midnight on a school night and I'm still awake and I get the feeling that the next few days will be very, very long. We're moving so that's always stressful. I'm a little in love with the house though. It's really cosy. (I really like the one we're renting too; it just isn't ours, you know?)
I want to write. I do. I mean I really do. I'm just terrified. I realise that successful people do things afraid, but that doesn't mean that it's easy.
So. I've been up and crying for a while. Just anxiety. (It sucks but it's just anxiety.) I know I need to sleep, though. No more early mornings but I'll be on campus until three tomorrow and I don't want to feel so drug out in Psych. That class is long enough as it is. (It's two hours and I'm not overly fond of the instructor.)
I don't have that much longer until we get a break for the semester, though. I'm hoping I can stick to online classes over the summer. I just need a little time to regroup.
But, yeah. I'm planning to be at Camp NaNoWriMo in July so that should help to take my mind off of things. I hope so. I've been feeling awful lately and I have no explanation for it aside from all the stress of the past few weeks. I realise that, psychologically, that's a completely valid reason but it doesn't feel like it.
Here, have a beautiful song:
I've been listening to this for a while because it's giving me feelings. Mary Black's voice is just beautiful, really.
I need to be trying to sleep so I think I'll wrap this up pretty soon. I don't know how I'm feeling, I guess is what it comes down to. It's like I don't know who I am, really. And, yes, I do realise that I'm twenty and almost no one has it together at this age - that's not the point. The point is that it's stressing me out.
I think I'm afraid of things working out. I'm a little scared of sending something off and getting it picked up. In addition I'm afraid of things not working out because then I'm stuck and (I feel like) people think I'm stupid/untalented/useless/etc.
So I can't win. The only way forward is to pick a path and stick with it unless and until it becomes clear that that choice is not the best one for where you are in your life right now. But that's terrifying too.
I think I'll just have to be stressed and scared for a while. That's probably what a lot of my life is going to be. I'm weirdly, sort of okay with that, in a Thanatos-heavy way.
I'm sure I'll be fine. I always am. Things are just... weird right now, is all.
But, I hope you all have been doing well. I'll be back to ramble at you soon.
