I am an Adult. Also, What Kind of Name is 'Sherlock' Anyway?

These are the types of questions that come to me while I'm supposed to be planning something else.

Also, I've been throwing up lately. Well, not a lot - just a little. Like just once so far this year. Because of a bad headache that resulted from crying. Because that is a thing that happens quite a bit.

Aside from that, I've had a thought: I need to do things. Doing things is good and doing things for a while makes me want to continue doing things. The problem is that I seem to realise this several times a year and the proceed to do absolutely nothing about it. This is an issue for a wide verity of reasons, the most immediate of which is that it makes me hate myself.

So I'm thinking this should probably be the year of goals and, you know, getting rid of that mentality. I don't want to be all ~POSITIVITY~ all the time because that's A) not realistic and B) really, really annoying. But. I've been working out a little and that seems to be helping more than I thought it would. I changed my tumblr blog theme (and I like it - I even have a custom cursor (I've never had one before) so that's cool too). and really, things could be a lot worse than they are. I still need to sit down and really memorise my Latin (and stop saying 'really' so much) and I still need to read chapters one and two for chemistry. And I have algebra to do. But it'll get done.

That's another thing I need to get through my head: I don't have to work as fast as I can on everything - I just have to work consistently and things will get done.

And that it's okay if I don't sleep or don't sleep much some nights. It's okay if I over-eat for a day or so here and there - it does not mean that I'm weak or a terrible person. Same with writing. Just breathe and do what you can and it will get done.

But yeah, I've been through two workouts now (50 minutes and 60 minutes) and I can do more than I thought I'd be able to so that's pretty good to know. I'm not as out of shape as I thought I was.

[On a completely random note, never try to correct your autocorrect because things like this happen (not mine but found it hilarious) 'We hop' 'We hopping' 'We home' 'Wawa skittletits' 'WE HOPE']

And since this one post has taken me far, far too long to write, here:

Daft Punk songs - no instruments. It's more than a little insane. (I've been meaning to post this video up so my mum could see it but I kept forgetting. So yeah.)

Right now, it's after one in the morning and I have a long day tomorrow and I'm not tired so I will probably wind up watching Markiplier videos and listening to music until around two and then trying in vain to sleep. Just so we're all clear on the plan.

I hope everyone's year has been going at least decently so far. If it has, that's wonderful and I hope it continues and if it hasn't, well, nothing lasts forever and things will improve soon. They always do.

Bye for now, everyone. Bye for now~

So...

It's Monday night and the rest of this week is going to be one long day.

Let me walk you through:

Tuesday:
- School (Intro to World Languages, Law and Society, and Psych)
- Then over to a town about an hour's drive away for surgery (they get to burn a tiny hole in my eye with a laser)
- Come back, eat, and study for Algebra midterm.

Wednesday:
- School (World Languages, Law and Society, hour break, Algebra Midterm, Written Final in CPR)
- Study for Algebra Final

Thursday:
- School (Same as Tuesday, with Algebra Final after Psych)
- There will also be a final in Law and a final in World Languages on that day. Joy.

Then there's the Psych test and the CPR Practical on the 9th.

Oh, and my first actual, corrective surgery is on the 11th.

Plus, I have things I want to write. I have way too many half-finished books and fan-fics.

So this is just going to be a long first half of the month. But that's what's been going on. I promise I will get back to my RP blogs and my fan-fic blog soon - I just want to get through the rest of this quarter alive.

You know...

...maybe the key to my getting anything at all done is feeling pissed off and like a complete and utter failure.

No, really. See, when I feel like this (slightly less so now but it's still there), all I want to do is study - after I stop crying and wanting to step in front of a bus. If I just wait for a while that feeling goes away on its own and I'm left with this sense of calm 'that's enough now'. If I could learn to throw a leash on that feeling, I'd be golden.

When I'm like this, I hate myself just enough to want to do something. When I'm like this, I want to write. I want to get my company off the ground and be good enough to raise the money I'd need to go to NYU and double major in psychology and linguistics. Then I want to go to Japan for a year or two - writer, therapist, artist. Most of all, I'd just like to stop being such a damn disappointment to myself and everyone around me.

'One day at a time' only works if you're doing something every day. That's another thing to get through my head.

So I'm going to see what I can't do to pull myself out of this. Wish me strength, blessings, and coffee.

Assuming 5 a.m.

Assuming that I can actually get up (not just wake up) when my alarm goes off:

- WRITE (You've been terrible about this lately.)
- email that guy about that thing at school
- Catch up with people for a little while (because friends are <3)
- Listen to WTNV (You're behind. You should fix that.)
- Read
- SCHOOL -
- Sketch/plan/read on break
- Accept PTK membership (Yeah, Phi Theta Kappa. It's invite-only, so that's a little awesome.)
- Study things (seriously even like an hour total would help)
- Reply to RP posts and write Outlast/FAKE/IWTV stuff and junk like that.

That's really about it for right now. That is not that difficult. Could use some fine-tuning but... yeah.

For right now, though, I'm going to go to sleep because I am actually tired.

I'll try to make the next entry something actually interesting. No promises though.

I drew a thing

This thing:

It's a Dead Space Necromorph. I found my favourite picture of one (it's the sculpture one - it's really cool) and stayed up for about two hours last night staring at it and drawing this little guy. Inn't he cute?

It's so weird to me though because I stopped drawing (just kind of fell out of it) when I was... wow, maybe fourteen? I'm almost 21 now and this... this is what I choose to get back into drawing with???

*sigh* I don't know, right now my entire brain is just like:

• ??????
• ???????????
• ???????!!

So. Yeah.

A lot is going on right now. I'm planning a lot of things. I'm slowly getting back into my writing groove. Oh, and an illustrator offered me a gift - an Outlast art request - since I'd been writing for the series for a little while. So that was really awesome ^.^

Mum and I are going to have to make up a schedule like we did for the last quarter because my classes are set up in an unforgivably stupid way. I just... it really makes me want to punch people. I don't understand why people can't set things up logically and clearly.

But that's not the point. The point is that I'm still alive, I want to draw, I want to write, I want to sew, I kind of want to do ALL THE THINGS.

So. I'm going to let my computer charge and then try to figure out just what the hell is going on with school. I mean, seriously now.

*headdesk*

I'm gonna go eat and then maybe write about journalists.

School Again Soon

I'm not sure how to feel. I haven't been on campus in a while. I know where my classes are at least and that's good. I always get ridiculously stressed about school and then I'm fine after about the first week.

Also, on a completely random note, this thing [right here] lets you listen to Wikipedia. Pluck sounds are an addition, strings are subtractions, and the pitch says how big the edit is. It's just really amazing to sit and listen to.

Oh, and because I have this open and I'm pretty sure not a lot of people read this blog anyway

Birthday wishlish thing:

• MKULTRA : The CIA's Top Secret Program in Human Experimentation and Behavior Modification [book]
• The CIA Doctors: Human Rights Violations by American Psychiatrists [book]
• Really anything decent about MKUltra or OPERATION PAPERCLIP. It's really interesting to me for some reason.
• Giant Microbes are always a good bet.
• The Milestone Anthology for this year.

I might think of a game I want to beg for by then but for right now, these are the things I've been thinking about the most. ... You, know, looking at this, I think I understand why I have very few friends.

Oh, well XD

Pictures and Stuff Like That

First off, a new blog theme has been fitted on tumblr:

This new theme features all pages contained in the spinning disk on the sidebar, cleaning up the interface and leaving more room for description and decoration. The colour scheme is black, purple, white, and blue and the background is an image of New York City, featuring a quote from Gottfried Leibniz on the right-hand side.

This new theme is expected to last well into 2014.

And now, a look at the academic calendar:

Stress is expected and participants in all academic activities are reminded to take frequent breaks for video games and social media. *shuffles papers* Oh. It seems that two classes have been added to the three seen here - Algebra and an Introduction to World Languages. In the interest of saving both trees and money, neither of these classes require textbooks.

In addition to their standard academic studies of mind control and medical care, students will also be learning about microbes this year. Each student will get to take home and look after cute, fuzzy giant microbes just like this guy:

Mortimer the Mad Cow Microbe. Bovine spongiform encephalopathy never looked so cute~

And now, traffic:

The world is quiet. Darkness floods the streets in slow motion, bleeding out from the evening's long shadows. The stars hang low in their black velvet ocean.

The car's tires squeal as it rounds the corner, losing traction and sliding.

"Stop the car!" the woman screams. "Stop the car!"

The man doesn't listen. He stands on the accelerator.

The car runs onto the grass and stops, scraping the retaining wall and resting, wedged onto the neighbourhood's water main. The man runs down a long hill. And the woman runs down a dark street. And the neighbours, having heard the crash, pull on their shoes and take the steps down to the night-flooded street at a jog.

The car's lights are flashing but there is no horn, no water hissing, no sound but the concerned murmurs and calls of the neighbours, fading in the still, slightly sticky air left over after a warm day.

The woman is found. She is bleeding but fixable. She is walking and speaking and the police arrive and she walks and speaks with them. I walk and speak with my neighbours, on the night-flooded street, while the stars hang low in their black velvet ocean.

This has been - traffic.*

And now, the weather.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wonderful news, Writerland.

I am, of course, very aware of the date today. While I refuse to completely ignore the significance of the eleventh of September in American history, I feel that I am not qualified (or possibly not eloquent enough) to speak on it at length. Or at all, to be perfectly honest.

On quite a different note, I feel I have to share that today is the one month anniversary of my friendship-marriage to my darling Ryo - a very wonderful friend of mine. I really couldn't ask for a better friend than her and I am so glad that she stumbled across an old post of mine and sent me a message. It's likely that we never would have started talking without that. And I really can't express how saddened I am at that thought.

We'll meet for the first time AFK* at DashCon in 2014 and it would be impossible to explain how much I'm looking forward to it.

Now, Writerland, as the sun rises and day begins for many of you, I leave you with this, one of my favourite quotations:

"...A little acid, sharpness or bitterness is often more pleasing than sugar; shadows enhance colours; and even a dissonance in the right place gives relief to harmony."

Do not fear the darkness; it resides within each of us. Do not fear the pain of living; it is pain that reminds us that we live. Embrace all that life has for you, be it good, bad, or simply the cold gnawing of utter apathy. Know that you feel because you live. And you live because your existence matters. This world - this lovely, broken mess of a world - would not be the same without you.

Goodnight, Writerland. Goodnight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* This actually happened. Some idiot wrecked at the end of the block and then bailed from the car - I just Night Vale'd the report up a little.
** Away From Keyboard

Creativity = insanity + talent.

I've been working on the website... all the - *bricked in the head* Why? Why? I hate that song!

No, yeah, I'm actually doing a... a thing with my writing... and some other people's writing. And it's gonna be awesome. But first I have to get through school.

I have about three and a half weeks left and then a six week break (at least, I think it's six weeks) which is really good because I've have bitten my nails down to the point where they bleed and that's just not good at all. Speaking of, I have things to read for that.

I drank a bunch of coffee and now I want to dance and I'm kind of nervous about the world.

And DashCon. I'm nervous about DashCon, too but in that excited way. (If you don't know about DashCon, look it up because it is amazing.) I want to be a total geek and learn the Hare Hare Yukai dance to do with a friend of mine because GEEKS~!

For right now, though, I have things to read and questions to answer, which sort of brings us full circle. So. Bye for now. Expect progress meters to be put up pretty soon - likely without titles because I like keeping the mystery going - and... yeah. 

Have an awesome day~

DashCon

This thing. This thing right here.

It's basically tumblrCon and it's in 2014 and the tickets/trip can be my birthday present. I won't ask for anything else - I'm not kidding.

Just wanted to put that out there.

*sigh* Okay...

I still have to read my Philosophy extracts, read my English assignments, post to the boards, edit the next chapter of Twelfth Generation, get as far in Maths as I can, finish reading 'The Smithsonian Institution', and write for Camp NaNoWriMo.

*groan*

I think I'm just going to answer my messages and then try to go to sleep. Get up and work in the morning, when I'm (hopefully) feeling a little less achy and stabby.

I've been thinking

Not very hard, but... I have way too many blogs on here that I'm just not using. I mean, I have about 60 that I'm pretty sure I'm never going to do anything with.

I don't know what's going on right now, I just - I have to do something.

School starts today. So does Camp NaNoWriMo. So that means that I have things to read and write and keep up with. Part of me feels like this is just an unstable year - where things are just strange and you start to figure things out but you can't quite put it into words or action just yet.

I have a story that I've been 'editing' - and I use that term lightly - for months now and that's really going nowhere because I'm sick of looking at it. I have no idea what I want to do with my site - you know, the one that I've been re-working for the past, what, year? Year and a half? Maybe more than that? I don't even know anymore.

My head hurts.

For right now, I think I'm going to get something to eat and go sign into the maths lab thing so I don't fall behind. That's one thing I'll really have to watch about having a semester online - I tend to put things off instead of getting them done early. Which is very annoying because I want to be the type of person who has everything done yesterday.

Anyway.

Bye for now, everyone~ I'll see you again soon.

Okay

This post has lists. Also, I managed to get my old theme back, which is kinda great because I like it.

For tonight:

- Re-watch 'Tiger and Bunny' (Why: FEELINGS)
- Work on website
- WRITE
- Read
- Reply to RP posts

Things I need:

- A good, workable plan that I actually stick to
- More confidence in myself
- A good workout routine
- A space that is completely mine and feels like mine
- A binder (because biogirl + big boobs + gender weirdness = ??? Also for cosplay.)
- A good Japanese language course

Things I want eventually/as I can:

- Coloured jeans
- Striped shirts
- Pinstriped suits
- Scarves
- Killer heels
- Good men's dress shoes
- Corsets
- A good lingerie set or two (because I can)
- A good mix of underwear

I have so many ideas in my head for the house, I can't even function right now. I'm thinking, attitudes are affected by the way we act so all I have to do is keep up the act of being the greatest thing on two legs and, well, maybe it'll start to be a little true as time goes on.

Gah, I wanna go work on the house but it's not even ours yet. *headdesk* Okay. I'm just gonna sit up and work tonight. Finals are over (and I got a 90 on my last Psych test so, yeah). So glad that's over for right now. I have a little break and then 20 credit hours over the summer. I think I'm gonna try to work ahead a little once the online classrooms open up.

/NERD

Anyway. That's where that is. I'm way too full of nachos so I'm gonna curl up and watch TV for a little while and then curl up in bed and write until I get too tired to sting sentences together. I get to sleep in in the morning \(^o^)/

Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.

I have books

Well, I always have books but now I have school books:

English Comp II

Maths:

Philosophy:

and Sociology:

So... yeah. All this is crammed into about eight weeks of online courses.

That's... yeah.

I know I'll be fine but that's 20 credit hours right there.

*sigh*

I think I'm going to get that paper done - Crew Cut (meaning my English teacher - he cut his hair recently because he got tired of combing it) gave me an interesting idea: What is the separation between our authentic self and the self created to fit with mainstream society? In addition, to what degree are we in control of our authentic self?

Thing is, I only have five pages. I'm not sure I can answer that in five pages. Plus I'm tying it in with a 1999 study of how action figures have changed over the years and how that may be contributing to the rates of eating disorders in men, so I have to choose my quotes pretty carefully so it doesn't come off as too clinical.

And this is due by noon tomorrow.

If anyone is bracing to go to college, pay attention to this. This is will be your life soon.

And that was creepier than it needed to be. Moving on...

I will try to do Camp NaNoWriMo next month since school will be out of the way for a while but I haven't been writing much lately. This annoys me greatly.

So. I'm going to go down some coffee, get that done, and then maybe plan or write a little. I just have too much stuff in my head right now, I think. I'm just trying to plan for too much.

Back to work.... Bye for now~

New Theme

Because the old one was being stupid.

Anyway.

I found a TARDIS blue balloon today. Just found it. Random TARDIS balloon.

And there's a movie called 'Funny Games' that I might want to watch. But that's completely random information, really.

So. Here is a list:

- Finish blog post
- Reply to RP post
- Work on final essay for English
- Listen to a couple of mixes on 8Tracks
- Watch slenderseries on YouTube
- Read

Not too bad, right?

I'm thinking of taking the weekend and getting that paper done and that way I can leave it alone for a day or so, edit, then turn it in (no revision opportunity on this one).

I'm going to try to come up with a better post explaining everything here pretty soon but for now, I'm not dead! YAY~!

I'll see you soon (hopefully with a plan).

I should be writing.

Iced coffee and smoke
And the words that she wrote
That's what gloomy days are made of.

So I'm feeling strange lately. I really should be working (writing) because I feel so much better when I do.

But I can't seem to.

I have a paper due soon. Can't focus. It'll get done - because it has to - but I can't focus. At least I have a rough idea of where I'm going with it. That's more than I had a while ago.

It shouldn't take me too long to get it done. Even if I fly through the first draft, I should have a decent stretch of time to fix it. My second essay got me a 91.6 and that was essentially a first draft so I think I'll be fine if I don't just put in pointless fluff to fill space.

On top of all that, I'm kind of, sort of learning Japanese again. I say 'again' because I knew a little before but I had no one to speak it with so I kind of quit. Not this time!

(I am just having fits with this right now. I think I'm just gonna free associate and tie it all together later. That usually works pretty well. As long as it's done by the final due date, I'm not going to worry about it. I over-think and I worry too much. I know there's a balance in there, I just have to find it.)

I might want to go overseas after all. I mean, when am I going to get to do that again? Even if it's not as high on my list anymore, it's still a good experience and Evergreen has so many places - it's really just insane. I don't know - I'll think about it. (I'll admit, part of the reason I want to go is so I can use the tag 'prague blogging' at least once. But that's beside the point.)

I'm not sure how to say it. Things are just weird right now. Change.

Everything will probably click here pretty soon. Things usually do around this time. It's like I can feel it coming on now just because it's happened so much.

Well. It's late and I still have to take down a few notes for maths tomorrow. So. Bye for now, guys and girls... or whatever.

(X)

Things

I found this on my hand today:

IDK but there it is.

It was on my maths notes too. I don't remember drawing it, though. 'Course I've been a little out of it lately so I probably shouldn't freak out too much. My memory has never been great for most things.

Anyway.

I'm starting on JuNoWriMo, finally, and that means research. Specifically on the city of St. Louis. Why? That's classified.

But I'll probably be complaining on Twitter pretty soon, so watch out for that. I'll be taking notes for this one. Really, I should have been taking story notes all along, for every project but of course, that totally didn't happen.

I guess I'm just getting tired of myself. The thing is, around this time of night, I feel completely different. Either very good and like I could handle anything or very bad and like I might break.

Either way, I'm not sure what to do with it. I feel... conflicted. Like I'm not doing something right or like something's been changed with my knowing about it. I need to clean things out and reorganise but I kind of can't until we can get moved. At least I have an idea though. That's more than I had a while ago.

Home inspection tomorrow. At least then that'll be out of the way.

I hope things even out soon. I mean, they are better, but I think I was hoping for a little too much all at once when I started feeling better for longer than a few hours at a time. I'm sure I'll get back to where I can function at a somewhat normal level but for now, I'm going to keep my head down and muddle through. Things will clear up. They always do if you keep moving.

So. It's late but I'm going to go work on things until I actually feel tired.

Goodnight, everyone~

I haven't been sleeping well.

I haven't. I'm awake until around two or three in the morning and when I do fall asleep, I'm tense. It's like I just don't relax. I can't focus at all so any little thing feels like an accomplishment. I mean, this:

This did not take me long at all but I was all happy when it was done. (It's just a mock up for a story I'm considering for Camp NaNoWriMo. It's not that big of a deal.)

*sigh*

Anyway.

It's been rough lately. It's after midnight on a school night and I'm still awake and I get the feeling that the next few days will be very, very long. We're moving so that's always stressful. I'm a little in love with the house though. It's really cosy. (I really like the one we're renting too; it just isn't ours, you know?)

I want to write. I do. I mean I really do. I'm just terrified. I realise that successful people do things afraid, but that doesn't mean that it's easy.

So. I've been up and crying for a while. Just anxiety. (It sucks but it's just anxiety.) I know I need to sleep, though. No more early mornings but I'll be on campus until three tomorrow and I don't want to feel so drug out in Psych. That class is long enough as it is. (It's two hours and I'm not overly fond of the instructor.)

I don't have that much longer until we get a break for the semester, though. I'm hoping I can stick to online classes over the summer. I just need a little time to regroup.

But, yeah. I'm planning to be at Camp NaNoWriMo in July so that should help to take my mind off of things. I hope so. I've been feeling awful lately and I have no explanation for it aside from all the stress of the past few weeks. I realise that, psychologically, that's a completely valid reason but it doesn't feel like it.

Here, have a beautiful song:

I've been listening to this for a while because it's giving me feelings. Mary Black's voice is just beautiful, really.

I need to be trying to sleep so I think I'll wrap this up pretty soon. I don't know how I'm feeling, I guess is what it comes down to. It's like I don't know who I am, really. And, yes, I do realise that I'm twenty and almost no one has it together at this age - that's not the point. The point is that it's stressing me out.

I think I'm afraid of things working out. I'm a little scared of sending something off and getting it picked up. In addition I'm afraid of things not working out because then I'm stuck and (I feel like) people think I'm stupid/untalented/useless/etc.

So I can't win. The only way forward is to pick a path and stick with it unless and until it becomes clear that that choice is not the best one for where you are in your life right now. But that's terrifying too.

I think I'll just have to be stressed and scared for a while. That's probably what a lot of my life is going to be. I'm weirdly, sort of okay with that, in a Thanatos-heavy way.

I'm sure I'll be fine. I always am. Things are just... weird right now, is all.

But, I hope you all have been doing well. I'll be back to ramble at you soon.

WriYe - Part Whatever: 'Purple Prose'

The Most Flowery of Language - Purple Prose
Okay, so what do you consider to be purple prose? What is it? Give us an example. Do you love it? Hate it? Find it tolerable in small doses? Or do you think all shades of violet wording should be destroyed?

I'm going to use an old family phrase and say that, to me, 'purple prose' is kind of like porn. You might not be able to explain it but you know it when you see it.

(I come from an interesting family.)

No examples. Can't stand it (generally) so no. There are very few instances where I'd say that it's a smart artistic choice. You have a little more leeway in historical novels than you do with just about anything else.

In small doses, it can add a lot to a world but it's so easy to over-do that I tend to recommend people stay away from it as much as possible.

(I don't have much to say on this one, apparently. Yeah. Try to stay away from purple. It's a bad colour on books.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news: Yesterday, my day was made several times over.

'My fifteen-year-old would kill for those. They look cute on you.' <- about my shoes

'You're awesome!'

One spoken, one written, both reasons to pull my head out of the metaphorical oven.

Short post - WriYe is getting back on track, my life is evening out a little (not great but better), there's House Drama(TM), and people are moving and there's a lot of stress from that too.

But. Things are moving. It... it's getting there and I'm really glad for that.

Sometimes College is Interesting

Conformity is the self-inflicted wound on our social psyche. - Adam Turpin

This is an amazing quote. I love it to death. It can be used for so many things and it's true in so many cases. We were talking about the ethical responsibilities of businesses in English.

Anyway.

I think I found... a guess a 'muse' for a certain character I was having fits with. So, you know, yay me!

He's sort of a mix of this psycho:

And this model (Stav Strashko):

And that makes for a very... interesting person. I mean, he's just distressingly... good at his job. And that's a bad thing for several people.

Like, here's the song that kind of cemented the character for me (ULTRAnumb - Blue Stahli):

So, yeah. Been in my head for days. And all of that was utterly pointless to most people who are not me.

In other news:

Change. A lot of it. Like, everything. Here's the list:

- hair (decided)

- nail polish/cologne/any make-up (basically decided)

- tumblr url (still thinking - I kind of want something that isn't hyphenated)

- blogger url (still thinking)

- clothes/shoes (decided)

And then there's the general stuff - being in better shape and crap like that.

I am starting a lot of sentences with 'and' in this one. Huh.

Tomorrow (well, today now) is Monday. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I mean, I'm doing better, but still... I think maybe evening classes would be better for me. I seem to feel better and more productive at night.

But, yeah. I'm doing better. Not great but better. Sometimes I forget that I'm twenty and I'm not exactly settled in where I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Things are going to change - sometimes apparently overnight.

So. I hope you all have been doing better than I have over the last few days, and I hope that keeps up. I'll keep you guys posed on things as they happen and as I feel up to it.

Bye for now~

I used to give a damn about things.

I don't honestly know what happened.

I haven't even been able to write in over a week. I don't sleep well - when I do manage to fall asleep, I have nightmares or I keep waking up. I try to get through assignments without actually doing most of the work because, hey, the education system is crap and the world's going to hell anyway so what's the point?

And here's the thing: I don't want to be like this. But I have no idea how to stop. Half the time I don't even realise I'm doing this until way later.

My nails are a wreck too, now. I was doing so well with that.

I have all these ideas but... why? That's the biggest hurdle right now. I just have to try to get over the fact that I don't care and work.

At least the really hasn't started showing in my grades. I'm not sure I could handle that. I've always been the smart kid, you know?

Anyway.

I'm just glad that for right now, late on a Friday/early on a Saturday, there is nothing that I actually have to do. There are things I can do (like take down my notes/watch the lecture for Psych, post to the discussion forums for English), but nothing that has to be done right this second. So. I think I'm going to go to sleep soon and just try not to stress so much.

I have Psych, a little bit to do for Maths, some English (discussion groups and an essay to revise (and another one to do) and one to read), but that's it. That really won't take that long and then, hopefully, I can write for a while. I haven't been writing much lately.

There wasn't a WriYe blog post for April but the one for May is up on the site so I'll try to get it posted over the weekend.

I think a lot of my problem is just that I've lost my passion. For everything. If I can get back into writing like I want to, throwing myself headlong into imagined worlds, I might be a lot better off in the long run. I have a novella that's in its last edit and that's making me nervous. I might have a link for you guys soon. *panics*

But not right yet. Now we sleep and try not to panic over pointless things. You just worry about you and stop trying to get everything done right now. You have time. You have a lot of time. Calm down. Watch your shows. Keep up. Do well. Don't stress so much.

. . .

I'll see you all soon.

"Your Sanity is Dangerously Low"

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.✧.｡.:*･’✧diamonds*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.✧.｡.:*･’✧

. . .

Yeah, I don't know either.

Okay. I have an essay to rework (even though I really just want it to be done and over with), and there are assignments due by the 14th that... yeah, I don't know what the purpose of them is. I think I just need to stop trying to find a practical application for anything in school anymore.

Maths is done, at least.

I have FYE too, though.

And suddenly, I want to change things. I mean, I switched the title of my tumblr (not the url, just the title), and cleaned out my 'following' list a little. Oh, and Twitter. Twitter changed. (Um, banner, @replies, and bio.)

---------------------------------------

It is now after 11. My homework is just now done. I am exhausted and wired and my ear is starting to itch because it's healing.

This whole week has been like this. My numbers for 'Belief in Self' have actually gone down. I just... I don't even know anymore.

I have music for a little while and Hyperbole and a Half has a post so that made things a little better.

Short post but I'm amazingly tired so that's all you're getting right now. I hope this week evens out and I hope you've all been having an easier time of it because I had a pretty interesting crying jag yesterday and that... that was not fun. I mean, any time you come home and seriously contemplate throwing out all of your food so you have no choice but to quietly starve to death, it's a pretty bad moment.

But, yeah. I'm all right, I'm just tired and stressed and I'm pretty sure that this is going to be a thing for a lot longer than I'd like it to be.

I hope the rest of the week and the weekend is good to you all.