Something like an Open Letter

Just for the record, unless I actually ask for help, I'm not looking for you to find a way to 'fix it'. Most of the time, I'm just looking to talk.

There is nothing wrong with me - at least not the way I see it. I'm alone. And that's fine. Alone protects me. The fact that I'm not so eager to be my own personal cheering squad is actually a good thing. I can't stand telling myself that I have value or anything like that. I know I do. But I don't need to hear it all the time.

So what do I do? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Yes, this is the time in most people's lives when they'd be out making friends and travelling. That's great. It might be a lot of fun. But I don't really care about it. I don't really care, deep down, about anything (excluding family, obviously). I can barely handle school because I'm either bored or I don't see the point. Going on would be the better option, even with that, sure. I don't want to quit since it feels like failure.

I can't seem to get anything done writing-wise because, again, what is the point? I'm never going to survive in the market so why put myself out there just to get my hand slapped?

I want to be an embalmer but that's going to necessitate a lot of pain (don't really care), a lot of money (care more about that), and a lot of time spent shaking from exhaustion at four in the morning, draining the blood out of one of the few people having a worse day than you.

That doesn't scare me for the sole reason that, say it with me, I don't actually care. Not like I should. Not deep down. I'm sure I could do the job. I'm sure I'd do well at it once I got past the initial learning curve. But not for the right reasons.

So the quiet, artistic life makes much more sense. But, I refer you to my previous comment about surviving in the market.

I have no faith in myself. More than that, I don't understand the whole 'believing in yourself' thing. I think I realised that when we had to write up a scholarship letter. Even my achievements up till now don't seem like much.

I guess that's at the heart of all of this. I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to grit and determination. I like to think I do but I don't. I don't think I ever did.

This is the kind of stuff that goes through my head a lot. This is why I'm stressed out even when nothing is going on. I'm just really tired and I don't know how I got here and I don't know how to get out.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. Really just... talking. Ignore me. I have homework to get back to. I left my maths practice test downstairs and I need it to look over. At least we can use calculators on the test tomorrow.