You know...

...maybe the key to my getting anything at all done is feeling pissed off and like a complete and utter failure.

No, really. See, when I feel like this (slightly less so now but it's still there), all I want to do is study - after I stop crying and wanting to step in front of a bus. If I just wait for a while that feeling goes away on its own and I'm left with this sense of calm 'that's enough now'. If I could learn to throw a leash on that feeling, I'd be golden.

When I'm like this, I hate myself just enough to want to do something. When I'm like this, I want to write. I want to get my company off the ground and be good enough to raise the money I'd need to go to NYU and double major in psychology and linguistics. Then I want to go to Japan for a year or two - writer, therapist, artist. Most of all, I'd just like to stop being such a damn disappointment to myself and everyone around me.

'One day at a time' only works if you're doing something every day. That's another thing to get through my head.

So I'm going to see what I can't do to pull myself out of this. Wish me strength, blessings, and coffee.