Twenty Days Before

I think I need to learn to disconnect from the internet for a while. Just a few hours and I've already gotten way more done.

Currently reading up on fandom and trying to improve the guide. (Yes, that a project of mine, one I plan to actually complete... like the others that need to get done.) I just realised that it probably needs to be way longer... Crap.

I'm gonna kinda spill my guts here so you might want to back up. Those look like nice shoes.

I think I need a schedule and fewer distractions. I also need some semblance of a job but that's going to have to wait until I'm a little more settled after the move. I think I want to find a job in an old bookstore somewhere on the bus line, maybe get into repair and bookbinding all while fixing the holes in my stories and designing other things, like I mentioned in the last update.

I know I'm not corporate, but I don't think I'm completely work-from-home either.

I just wind up feeling like I don't exist. It's like I'm in this kind of sub-space where I can see the physical world and I can interact with it but I'm not really here. And I don't know how to fix that. I'm not even sure if there's a way to fix it.

It's almost like inside I'm just screaming myself hoarse but it's never loud enough. So I just try to go away - drown out my own mind. But I'm not scared or sad about it. It's just like I hadn't noticed how disconnected I was before and now I have no idea what to do about it. Or even if there's anything to be done. I don't like using 'I'm a teenager' as a reason but I wonder if this is kind of a side effect of my mental and physical development being out of sync. Physically, I 'grew up' fast, developed quickly and was generally guessed older than I was. Now that's evened out and it feels like I'm mentally and emotionally trying to catch up - like someone paused just the audio on a movie while the picture kept running.

What it all comes back to is that I don't have any idea what the hell is going on with me and that's making it really difficult to dig my nails in and hold on. To anything.

I know it'll work out. I refuse to let it not work out. But that doesn't mean that this is fun in the slightest.

So I'm going back to something I should have been working on over the last month, month an a half and I will resume this countdown when I'm a little less annoyed with myself.