On Self Sabotage

Or 'The Actual Reason Why I Can't Seem to Get Anything Done'

Essentially what it boils down to is this: I felt I had no effect on the world around me growing up. As a result, I feel I have no power over my world now which causes this cycle of 'I could do this' 'Why? It won't matter' 'Yeah, you're probably right. I'll fail. I'm terrible.' which then causes me to become depressed as I feel very... adrift and like I can't do anything. Like I'm not good enough to do anything.

But people have done much more with much, much less.

It's a matter of retooling your thinking. Feeling like I don't want to fail makes me not try in the first pace because then, yeah, I still failed but that was my decision - it wasn't just because I couldn't do it. There's also the matter of perfectionist tendencies which tend to make things needlessly difficult. 'I can't do this perfectly right now so I just won't at all' and stuff like that. Very hard to work around.

So here's the idea:

Money
- Nonfiction which pays me
- Fiction which will pay me later

Other Writing
- Fan stuff because it's fun

Languages
- Esperanto
- Swedish
- French
- German
- Japanese

Technically, this is not that difficult of a plan. Time-consuming, yes, but not difficult.

Slightly Difficult Life Stuff
- Should probably learn to cook
- Also bank stuff, especially if traveling
- Find a good way to keep track of dates and stuff so that nothing's late

There's also tricky things like taxes and junk and it's all things I can learn and once I've got it handled, that means I'm getting much closer to being able to handle my own life. And that's scary as hell but it also means that I can essentially do anything. And that is a wonderful feeling.

But, yeah, that's what most of the past couple days have been about. 'This is what we've been doing. We need to fix it.' Honestly, just knowing that this is an actual thing helps a lot. Sometimes just being able to put a name to something helps.

For right now, in the short term, I have NaNoWriMo to finish. I'm about 6k from the finish line right now so that shouldn't take me long at all. After that, I'm not sure what I'll actually do. I might kick around and write a few articles, just don't stress much. It's a pretty hectic time of the year in general so... yeah.

I woke up at like, two this morning so I'm a little *whistling noises and wiggly hand gestures* right now.

But I think my plans have become a little more concrete. And that's both terrifying and exhilarating.

So. I'm going to go and write a little. See if I can't get my head space right.

Bye for now, everyone. Bye for now.