*lies down loudly*

Why is it that I seem to require some kind of massive breakdown before I realize that I'm actually okay and can do more than I think I can? It's becoming very annoying.

I think a lot of my issue comes from the fact that you hear so many people say 'writing is so much harder than most people think it is'. While that's basically true, I've always found it fairly easy. Sure, getting the right words and the right feeling and all of that is difficult at times but by and large, it's no more so than getting the right words for anything else. The issue then becomes feeling like I'm not any good or doing something wrong when I don't have the problems that other writers seem to.

Yes, it's easier when you're inspired by something but even if not, it's all a matter of getting as close to the finished product as you can, even if that takes you much longer than you thought it would and you've scrapped fifty first pages already just because the tone wasn't right. The beginning writes the end, in a lot of ways.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here. I guess I'm just getting tired of a lot of things about my life recently. Realizing that I'm actually fairly depressed more often than I'd thought was a little disheartening and from there came the desire to reinvent a few things about myself - at least in terms of my 'professional' image. See, I'm slightly in love with the idea of being some vain and deadly creature - classy vampire detective, I guess you could say. And that aesthetic isn't so difficult to get, all in all. At the very least, it's fairly easy to maintain over the length of a few website updates.

I'm starting to think it's much easier, at least in the short term, to work piece by piece rather than trying to build an entire brand without any nails, so to speak. I'm not sure what the final image will be. It's almost a 'book for a puzzle piece' model this way. Something to be uncovered as you go.

But mostly, this is a post to let you all know I'm still alive. I'm still in my pajamas at one in the afternoon, I'm missing my girlfriend, and I'm thinking of making some extra money to get us each one of those Pandora charm bracelets for St. Valentines Day (we're thinking of traveling around once she's certified to teach English so it would be kind of cool to have a little, portable record of where we've been and junk) but I'm still alive.

For right now, I think I'm going to do my best not to stress about things. When I get too stressed about things, nothing gets done, whereas when I'm calm and somewhat happy about things, they tend to move along without a hitch, at least most of the time.

Wish me luck... and maybe some self-confidence and coffee?