The 'Why' Isn't Important

It's not. It might be interesting, but it's not important.

And that's one of the strangest and most useful lessons I think you can ever learn.

The 'why' is not important. What is important is that you ask the right questions.

Does this make me happy?
Is this directly harming someone else?

That's it, really. You can break things down in at least a hundred other ways but what it all comes down to is those two questions.

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That's really the only merit in this whole thing, so please, feel free to ignore all of this rambling.

First: I have a book to write by the end of the year.

I do. It's nothing of mine in that the idea wasn't mine originally but I'm the ghost writer for it so in a way it's mine.

I'm on chapter 13 out of 21. 21 minus the 12 I've already written equals 9 and there are currently 6 days left in the year (technically). 9 chapters divided over 6 days equals 1.5 chapters a day.

Okay.

Second: It would be so much better for me to start paying more attention to my own life.

I have this issue where I don't feel much. I'm not sure exactly what to call it but it's like I react to things in the moment (depending on what they are - sometimes I don't really react at all because I don't feel a connection to what's going on, sort of like I'm just dreaming) but it fades out pretty quickly. About ten minutes later and I'm back to my baseline.

This is not a good thing.

It keeps me from noticing things, it keeps me from getting things done, it puts a strain on my relationship with my family, and to be fair I think the only reason it's not causing me problems with my girlfriend is because we're long-distance and not around each other much at the moment. Traveling with someone who's that locked down emotionally (often without even realizing it) wouldn't be easy on anyone. And I'd kind of like to stop putting people through things, especially things I don't seem to have a lot of control over.

This requires thought. Self-reflection. And all manner of inward-looking things that I hate on principle for much the same reason that I hate mirrors.

But. It's all things that really do need to be done.

Now, I don't sit around and blame my mother for me being weird (because what would that solve?) but she recently brought up the point that I should probably start acknowledging that what she likes to call 'step-fathers on parade' and several times of 'hey let's go and do this cool thing oh but no I'm sorry we can't' likely didn't help this situation.

All a little beside the point right now but worth being aware of.

Don't you just hate it when you realize something that then you're like 'Oh... now I have to actually do something about this'?

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Fourth: I really need a cure for insomnia (that doesn't involve drugs).

Acute insomnia (if you're talking about inability to fall asleep) and chronic insomnia (if you're talking about not resting when you do sleep).

Neither of these are fun things. In fact they're both kind of screwing with my ability to get anything done in a timely manner.

So yeah.

Fifth: Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/etc.

I know I'm late for Christmas but I'd still like to wish all of you a very happy holiday season in general. And if you don't celebrate anything this time of year... well, then I hope it's a great time of the year anyway~

Here's to moving forward and all that. I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with whatever it is you have to deal with and I'd like to take this time to remind you that you are, in fact, rad and awesome and that you've got this. Go get 'em you lil' cupcake~ or whatever.