Too Many Tabs

My mind has far too many tabs open.

The result of this is that I have no idea what I'm doing.

I thought about yet another plan of mine (like using Figment to serialize stories before publishing them) but then I realized that I'd probably never get that one done either. So, of course, then I had to try and puzzle out what was holding me back so much.

The answer, as it turns out, is two-fold - at least from my current perspective:

Part One: Depression

As in, 'This is all I'll do, day in and day out, because the world isn't that interesting anyway. Maybe if I got up somewhere very high and then fell, things would look interesting but everything's boring from down here.'

I think this is why I don't care to do much and why my sleep schedule is so abysmal. If I'm asleep, I physically can't worry about things. But if I sleep at night, then I've got all day around people which tends to stress me and make me irritable. However. Sleeping all day like this leaves me unable to actually rest (well, that and a host of other things which I severely doubt I'm dealing with properly) when I do sleep, which means I'm tense and annoyed when I wake up, making it very difficult to get anything useful done.

So, that sort of mindset makes it very difficult to do... well, anything, if we're being brutally honest.

You basically have to start wanting to do things before you can start wanting to do things and that's just... awkward all over.

Part Two: Lack of Self-Confidence

This one's kind of self-explanatory, really. I feel like a lot of it comes from the depression, though. Most days I feel so wretched and uncreative that it amazes me that anything thinking human being would feel otherwise.

As a result, I feel like my ideas are too good for me or that I'm not qualified for the plans I come up with. I second-guess everything which means I'm wrong more often which makes me less likely to want to do anything because 'what's the point if I'm just going to scramble and fail?'

So that's what I've come up with so far.

There's probably a lot of issues that I've just stepped on over the years and those probably aren't helping in the slightest but I'm not sure I even still have the keys to those doors. Might have to wait until I can break the latch or something.

Honestly the only real upside to all of this is that NaNoWriMo has been giving me no trouble at all this year. That's a bit of a confidence boost, I guess.