I am an Adult. Also, What Kind of Name is 'Sherlock' Anyway?

These are the types of questions that come to me while I'm supposed to be planning something else.

Also, I've been throwing up lately. Well, not a lot - just a little. Like just once so far this year. Because of a bad headache that resulted from crying. Because that is a thing that happens quite a bit.

Aside from that, I've had a thought: I need to do things. Doing things is good and doing things for a while makes me want to continue doing things. The problem is that I seem to realise this several times a year and the proceed to do absolutely nothing about it. This is an issue for a wide verity of reasons, the most immediate of which is that it makes me hate myself.

So I'm thinking this should probably be the year of goals and, you know, getting rid of that mentality. I don't want to be all ~POSITIVITY~ all the time because that's A) not realistic and B) really, really annoying. But. I've been working out a little and that seems to be helping more than I thought it would. I changed my tumblr blog theme (and I like it - I even have a custom cursor (I've never had one before) so that's cool too). and really, things could be a lot worse than they are. I still need to sit down and really memorise my Latin (and stop saying 'really' so much) and I still need to read chapters one and two for chemistry. And I have algebra to do. But it'll get done.

That's another thing I need to get through my head: I don't have to work as fast as I can on everything - I just have to work consistently and things will get done.

And that it's okay if I don't sleep or don't sleep much some nights. It's okay if I over-eat for a day or so here and there - it does not mean that I'm weak or a terrible person. Same with writing. Just breathe and do what you can and it will get done.

But yeah, I've been through two workouts now (50 minutes and 60 minutes) and I can do more than I thought I'd be able to so that's pretty good to know. I'm not as out of shape as I thought I was.

[On a completely random note, never try to correct your autocorrect because things like this happen (not mine but found it hilarious) 'We hop' 'We hopping' 'We home' 'Wawa skittletits' 'WE HOPE']

And since this one post has taken me far, far too long to write, here:

Daft Punk songs - no instruments. It's more than a little insane. (I've been meaning to post this video up so my mum could see it but I kept forgetting. So yeah.)

Right now, it's after one in the morning and I have a long day tomorrow and I'm not tired so I will probably wind up watching Markiplier videos and listening to music until around two and then trying in vain to sleep. Just so we're all clear on the plan.

I hope everyone's year has been going at least decently so far. If it has, that's wonderful and I hope it continues and if it hasn't, well, nothing lasts forever and things will improve soon. They always do.

Bye for now, everyone. Bye for now~

Well, school's coming on...

No, really. I feel awful.

All right, that's kind of a lie. I do feel bad today but I think that's lack of food and not having a book I really want to read and not being able to focus enough to work and just generally being stressed.

Tomorrow and the next day will be spent at this kind of new student orientation thing, so that'll be fun. I just hope the people I meet won't be complete tools. I mean, I know there's some in every crowd but as long as I don't have to deal with them, I think we'll all be a lot happier.

What else?

I had a marathon of all thirteen episodes of K (I've also seen it as 'Project K' or 'K Project'). Actually pretty solid. I wasn't sure what to expect going in but I actually liked it. Being as compressed as it was (most series are around 24-26 episodes per season), there was a lot of the world that was left unexplored but apparently a second season was confirmed so that should hopefully remedy a little of that.

Psycho Pass ended. I drowned in feels because it's amazing. And now we're here.

The first two years of school will basically be maths, English, whatever else they consider the 'core classes' now, and whatever electives I take. This time round, it's Psych.

We talk about student activities on Wednesday. I wonder if there's anything really interesting I could get involved with.

. . .

You guys know how, on Six Feet Under, Nathan runs to Seattle to get away from the business? I kind of feel like I've been doing that on a much smaller scale. I've jumped potential jobs so many times in the past few months. But I've got it now. I want to be a mortician.

No, it's not easy. Yes, it's a weird job.

I am fully expecting to be sick and crying at home for a while going in. But that's just it. Most people would probably leave hearing that because why would you want to do something like that? The only thing I can say to that is 'Because it matters'. I'm a morbid kid. This is the business I've chosen.

And if you're anything like me and you're still in school, I've found a message that I listen to a lot:

(Also, check out the rest of her videos. She has a lot of good information and she's charming.)

And of course, you can always talk to me! (I'm not sure how much help I'll be at this point but that's a long-standing offer.)

Anyway. Maybe getting this all out will free me up a little to get my projects done. I just haven't been able to sit down and write for a while. I guess it was all the stress of the move and school and trying to figure out what I really wanted to do deep down. Honestly, I picked computer science because it was less of a hassle for my mum. Sweet thought, but not healthy since it never really felt like the right thing, you know?

That's not to say that computer science isn't interesting. It's still an interest of mine, just like psychology and law and all manner of creative endeavours. And of course, I'll never stop writing.

It's all a matter of willpower and prioritising - two things I suck at.

But it will get better. Because it will have to. Because I have school. So.

That was about all I had to say right now. There's a mortuary school in nearby to where we are now so that's good at least. It's a much smaller move and it won't be for a little while because money.

Also, and I hate to even say this but, I might have to have some of my tattoos removed. It's just the ones on my hands (one rose and one bat) but still, I like them - I don't want to have them go away. It's a lot of money and a lot of pain and I think I'm serious enough about this that I'm considering it which scares the hell out of me.

You know, I remember walking into a science class in school one day and thinking the formaldehyde smelled good.

*sighs* Okay, this was rambling and not much got done. (Mum and I talked and I cried because I like my ink but that was about all.) I think I'm going to go maybe write and organise and look around to see if I can't dig up any leads on intern-ships I could snap up late this year/early next.

Wish me luck and love, everyone~ I'll try to keep you updated better in the future.

Bye, LJ

It really wasn't anything personal - I just had way too much stuff going on.

This, my fine furry friends, is what you might call a FILDI* moment. I've been having a lot of those lately - such as when I took a phone call or, in a calmer way, my lack of jangling nerves over going to set up my school schedule tomorrow... later today. I'm not anxious, I'm just wide awake for some reason!

No, but LiveJournal's gone. I might come back with a different username later but for right now it was just something I was kind of forcing myself to keep up with and that's not good for anyone.

Hang on, random thought!

*checks into it*

And the answer is positive! W00t!

. . .

I have some stuff going on. Big stuff.

But for now, since I can't sleep, I'm cleaning things up.

I'm supposed to be asleep because I have to meet with my advisor at three in the afternoon for all this happy start-up crap and figuring out my class schedule. I think six classes and hoping to maybe get a business off the ground should keep me busy, right?

I hope so.

Anyway, it's late, I'm wired, all I want to do is everything and I have no idea how I'm going to feel in the morning.

But you know what?

I'm not worrying about it. I'm just not. I'm happy and I can function on very little sleep if need be. It's not like I have to take the placement test again - if that were the case, I would have probably taken something an hour ago.

So. I'm going to wait until I feel like I want to curl up and hopefully that will be some time before the sun rises. I think I'll just read until then. Reading's quiet.

Bye for now, everyone. Bye for now.

(*It stands for 'Fuck It, Let's Do It', which is my thought process before making most major decisions anymore.)

I don't have a title.

And, apparently, my entire life up to this point has been a sham. I can't write. I can't produce a simple story.

Now, to distract from this troubling revelation, here are some other things:

Section One: Reading

I finished 'The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo' yesterday. Actually, a very good read. It's painted in very broad strokes most of the time and that took some getting used to but all in all, it was very good.

I'm a bit bothered by Lisbeth's portrayal and can generally take or leave Blomkvist but overall, it's a rather good story. I'm working my way through the trilogy.

Section Two: Writing

Things are happening. I'm not sure what things but they're happening. I have ideas and a more concrete idea about said ideas.

Also, I think that my characters work best if they're fundamentally screwed up. Aside from that, not much going on.

Section Two-A: WriYe and Arrow of Eloquence

As you may or may not know, Arrow of Eloquence has an amazing person by the name of Siana Blackwood handling the forum when I'm too lazy too - which is, let's face it, most of the time. The 2013 year has been dubbed 'Rise of the YeSpiMad'* and has a suitably awesome forum skin.

We're a small community but we're supportive and everybody knows everybody so, you know, go ahead and stop by when you feel like it. It's a little bit chaotic right now since we're starting to change things over for 2013.

WriYe is still a go for me since the word goal is actually fairly reasonable. It's a nice board. The people seem friendly enough and they have a blogging circle - which, by the way, can be found on the 'Other Inmates' page.

*WriMo shorthand meaning 'Year of Spiralling into Madness'

Section Two-B: Let's Play: WriMo World Tour

Really. It's like:

NaNoWriMo is the Big City. It's the one that everyone wants to go to and everyone dreams about and all that. It's like New York (or possibly Hollywood).

Places like AugNoWriMo and JulNoWriMo are larger towns, places that people have heard about but that don't make the Inkslinger Daily as often.

JanNoWriMo, FebNoWriMo, and similar ones are smaller towns. Slower traffic and not many people.

Places like Arrow of Eloquence are like the residential sections of small towns. Everybody knows their neighbours and most people get along wonderfully.


Section Three: Fandom

Multi-fandom fan site thing.

That's what I'm thinking of. I'm still screwing around with ideas but it might work. Mainly I just want a little project that I can work on without ever thinking 'How can I make money off of this?'


Section Four: The Zombie Apocalypse

Not much to report. Saw my neighbour shambling around her garden but she didn't bother me. One good thing about being so isolated, I guess. No one's too murderous. I think I'll stay inside for today and go on a scouting mission sometime tomorrow or the next day. We have enough food to last a while, even if we lose power eventually.

Stay safe, guys. Look for early warning signs and protect yourselves. It's in your hands now. I'll see you soon.

DO ALL THE THINGS!

Mum: 'Was she always this stubborn?'
Grandpa: 'Yep.'
Mum: 'So, you know what you were getting into.'
Grandpa: '...Well, I was young.'

(That exchange had nothing to do with anything - I just thought it was cute.)

So... yeah. I have project blogs to lock down. And I will probably be doing that in fits and starts for the day.

In other news, it's NaNoFiMo - National Novel Finishing Month - which means *throws black and silver confetti* I'll be diving back into the world of what I've so lovingly started referring to as 'The Book'.

This is mainly because 1) I feel  like I should be working on it and 2) that NaNo project needs a break while I untangle the plot threads.

'The Book' should wind up around 85k, I think.

So, yeah. That's the project. And I'm already riddled with self-doubt, which is a very unpleasant feeling, much like soul termites. Any other project and I swear I'd be fine but this one is just nagging at me. And nothing looks right. I think that's my main problem. Nothing I do looks right. It's like I know the story but I can't seem to get my fingers to believe me.

I have a better grasp on it now, I think. Maybe.

There's so much to do - it's just insane.

I'm a little panicky right now but... yeah. That'll fade out I'm pretty sure. I just need to work, right?

Right.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go... do that.

(This is an example of my anxiety-rambling. It doesn't have a point and just eats up space but I can't seem to knock it off.)

I'm actually going to go and work on something now, though. Bye for now, everyone. I will hopefully be back when I feel better.

... I need a list or something.

*collapse*

Ick.

All kinds of things.

My scale reads 127 at this time of night. This is problem and needs to be fixed like now.

(I've also noticed that when writing for Heavy Rain - which will, for the record, require a major overhaul - and when planning for another project of mine, any issues with my weight seem magnified. Randy is underweight for his height and most of The Other Project revolves around not wasting the city's resources and not becoming a drain on the city. There is also a cap on ageing in that one. But that's neither here nor there.)

Life:

A decision has been made. I shall be an artist.

Of course, that means those so much stuff to figure out now but that can be done in fits and starts for a little while, until I stop panicking.

Writing:

There's the book.

This incomprehensible book.

Any other book, I can just write. Any other book, I can fix later and it doesn't feel so frightening. This one though... It's so... dark. And not in the typical way things I write are dark. It's a lasting darkness, something that has the potential to make this one of those books that stays with you for years.

And the least thing I want to do is screw that up.

So, it's to editing. To editing while I try not to ruin it.

Wish me luck.

Complaining Already:

Really. Everything I do looks cheap to me. I'm working on the site and everything I do looks cheap to me. I'm torn between being really professional with the white background and everything and thinking that that's just not what I do. This is not a bright company. It's a dark, horror kind of company. Our focus is on the unsettling, just not in an overly obvious way.

I want to use darker colours but I can't get a theme with them that I don't hate and I don't know enough about coding and CCS to make one.

So, you know, *HEADDESK*

I'm going about it in a different way now and I think it'll work out a little better like this. It's just gonna take forever.

FAKE Geekery:

I never noticed before but in the first volume (OMG, the art style changed so much 0.o) when Ryo is talking with Vikky at the station, he has his tie loosened, the button at his collar undone and he isn't wearing his suit jacket. In the very next scene without Vikky, his shirt is completely buttoned up again and he's fixed his tie.

I'm thinking that's one of the examples of him picking up on things and doing them without making a show of it. No jacket and his tie loosened is very similar to how he first saw Dee - namely, relaxed and not threatening. It's a less professional, more relaxed or easy-going look and so it shortens the psychological distance between him and Vikky at that point, meaning the boy may be more comfortable and more willing to talk.

Later, when Dee is around after Vikky gives them the information, Ryo moves back to the more professional side of the scale, fixing his tie. It's a small change but it still illustrates the distance between him and Dee.

Also, page 38 in volume one - Ryo is in street clothes. I hadn't noticed this before but his shoes have a decent heel on them in that shot - especially for a guy.

Anyway, it was one of those things that you notice on a second read-through.

Okay, I'm gonna go and try to get more things set up. (Just go down the list, right?) I'll see you all soon and hopefully I'll not be panicking and/or exhausted.

Seventeen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEZZY!

No. I am not sorry for yelling.

But yes, it is, in fact, my birthday. I am Libra, hear me roar!

Or whatever.

*sigh*

I just want to go and, like, start a little publishing company. And we'd eventually expand to include a little film company and a fashion/makeup/perfume brand. And then I'd get to live in my fictional worlds and not have to worry about things like birthdays or any facet of real life aside from death and taxes.

Maybe it's like a birthday wish or something?

I don't know.

...

These headphones are a little tinny but at least I can hear out of both sides. So, you know, yay.

I get pizza for dinner, too. And a cake.

Also, I have pumpkins:

The bandages are so I don't tear up my hands crocheting. The yarn dragging across my hand gives me like this rug burn kind of thing.

But yeah, I made pumpkins.

Here they are again:

Okay? Okay.

And then I started wondering about hair products. Like, why are we spending money on things to make our hair softer when a vinegar rinse does the same thing? I mean, you can't use it all the time, but still.

Besides a lot of shampoo and conditioner... I don't know, I almost feel like it dries my hair out... Although, there's a brand called 'Yes to Carrots' that might not do that since it's natural. Anyway. Random thought.

I've been looking into random things like that. Just 'cause I can.

Also, wikispaces. Basically it's like Wikipedia but anyone can get on there and do their own thing. I'm thinking it could be a really good way to give out a lot of background information on characters and things like that. People love digging into the gears and guts of stories they love.

*sigh*

Screw it. I'm doing this artist thing. I'm sick of just talking about an idea I think is viable so FILDI.

(If you're not sure what that means, it stands for 'Fuck it; Let's do it.' I find it's a very useful acronym. Adopt yours today!)

This actually works out perfectly since I'll have time to do things and get things set up before the move so I'm not trying to scramble around school and maybe an outside, part-time job when we get settled. If nothing else I'll at least be a little clear on what exactly I'll have to do.

I'd just love it if my ideas had a home somewhere and, for personal reasons, I don't want an agent so my own company would be a pretty awesome step. (Note: I have researched this before; it's really not that hard to do anymore.) I could do a lot with an imprint. Maybe I can get other things out there too, not just writing. I mean I have a lot of crafty, artsy stuff too. Who knows?

I don't know, I'm just feeling all optimistic and wanting to work on things and crap such as that.

I might not be as loud about this later but I do still want to do something with it. I just need to get things started. Once things are started, I can usually keep them going, it's just that initial shove that... sometimes doesn't work so well.

But yeah. That was my 'I'm gonna do something awesome' moment for the day. Hopefully it sticks around for a while and things don't end up like this:

Life:

Me: OMGRUN!!!

Because that has been known to happen. Quite a bit.

I'm actually a little more like this right now:

I'm not entirely sure what today is going to consist of but I can be reasonably sure that it will be some degree of awesome.

Bye for now, guys. Have an amazing day ^^ and this 20-year-old (holy mother of NO) will see you all later.

Twelve: Killer Dinosaurs

Do you see this? This is insane and awesome and a part of me wants to work on movie sets so I can do crap like this and get paid for it. I wish they would have hidden their legs better but a good pair of digitegrade stilts would fix that.

I just love costumes, okay?

(Hi, I'm Jezzy. I like to pretend! Come on!)

I've been thinking a lot. And I need to start working out again. I also want a hat with ears but that's another story.

Also, random, but I'm glad to see that what they call the 'Furry' fandom isn't nearly as weird as the media likes to portray it as. It's just like any other fandom I've seen, really. That's... kind of a relief, really because I guess I'd fit a broad definition of it. I mean, in that anthropomorphic animals (think anything from Balto to Bugs Bunny) have always been kind of cute to me with the really human facial expressions and all and I wouldn't feel weird going out wearing a tail, a collar and ears (although some of that is probably just due to the fact I appear to lack the ability to feel shame).

Anywho.... I just thought that was interesting to note. I'm amazed at how often the media seems to get things wrong on purpose. They do it all the time with pretty much every subculture or fandom they use so it really pays to do your own research (and do it well).

And, overall, it's just another creative outlet - at least for me. Fashion and costumes (though I'm not a fursuiter, for the record. I'd think it'd be like wearing a mascot suit - too hot and claustrophobic.) and eye-catching things along with people who really are just themselves have always made me feel just a touch better about the world.

Anyway. That was just kind of social commentary. That was far and away not the point of this.

Um...

Actually, I'm not sure I had a point. I've been so... kinda burned out today that all this was kind of just for the sake of not missing a day.

Also, I kind of want a pet rat once I'm settled in. They're so cute ^^

All in all, I basically feel like this:

and my thoughts are in about a million different places and I'm reading up on random subcultures/fandom for no apparent reason... So... yeah.

I just want to be me and be happy, even if everyone else thinks I'm weird/a freak/a little off/an attention whore/whatever else. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of basically being told by society: 'Be yourself... just not in public. Or at work. Or online. Or anywhere where anyone might notice that you're different.'

So. For right now, I'm gonna go curl up, watch Monster High (I know, shut up) and maybe get something productive done. Maybe.

I might just go scrounge something to eat. But either way, I'm having kind of FILDI moment with the whole 'being yourself' thing. Not much I can do here right now but when we move and I'm in school, I think I'm just gonna focus on school and on not worrying what other people think of me. I'll probably be a lot happier that way.

This might have sparked it a little. (If you're already in a bad mood or depressed about the world, I wouldn't suggest reading the story. It'll just confirm that society as a whole is pretty awful.)

Bye for now, guys. (I really need to get better at blog posts...)

In which I realise that I'm an unorganised MoFo

You know those moments when you're talking with someone and they make a comment and all you want to do is say something snarky or bitchy in return? But you can't because you don't want to fight? Those are weird moments. I had a couple of them earlier.

But, yeah, on to the title. I have very little discipline and no organisation. That, I think, is really at the heart of a lot of the crap I complain about. I have a desktop calendar and if I would even half-ass use it I think it would clear up a lot of this.

Like, look at my list - just the projects I was working on in the space of the last couple of days:

- One pilot script (which needs to be about ninety minutes - around 110 pages, I think)
- One short novel/novella (no idea on length but it involves a lot of emotional pain)
- One outline (slowly coming together)
- One non-fiction paper (lol not even close to the halfway mark)
- Two fashion sketches (in my head >.>)
- The logistics of building a duct tape house (yes, you read that right)
- and one project blog (which may never see the light of day)

And why is none of this done? Because I have no organisation and no discipline.

Now, right now, it's a little hard to get because of the turmoil and the life upheaval and all that fun stuff but once things have settled down, I need to go through my life and my room and get things set up correctly.

Meaning, folders. And binders. And actually paying attention to where I put stuff.

I think I can handle that. I'm starting to think about all the things I can get done and all the new stuff I can do and that's kind of fun. I need to find my fashion croquis again. I have no idea where they are. I should probably just print some out. I mean it'd be a lot easier on me in the long run. Just have several so I can plan an outfit from all angles.

Yeah. Okay. I'm wound up, I'll admit, but my point is still sound.

So. I'm going to go and actually try to get something done before the sun comes up. (I'm starting to feel like a certain character of mine.)

Bye for now guys. This has been a personal pep-talk. Kind of.

*backflips into the cellar*