I apologize for the ranting nature of this post but I’ve been kind of holding this in my head and I kind of need to just spit it out now, so here’s a bunch of stuff I’ve learned recently that I’m really kind of... very pissed about. Ready? Here we go:
--
This really all started due to a documentary called ‘Fed Up’ on Netflix (and then one called 'Hungry for Change', both of which are good and you may want to watch them if you're at all interested in this type of thing).
'Fed Up' sort of walks you through how all the sugar in our 'food-products' - like, not even food anymore honestly - is the main cause of obesity and the diseases you typically associate with it in the U.S. and around the world today, due to the standard American diet being exported around the world.
This is basically because sugar, when ingested in large quantities, overloads the liver. When the liver is overloaded, it triggers the pancreas to produce insulin, which causes fat storage. It’s sugar, not fat or calories (though those are still important), that contributes the most to America’s struggling with weight and health.
Let's take a simple example: When you eat 160 calories of, say, almonds, everything in them is absorbed slowly, so your blood sugar rises slower and for longer, meaning you don’t need nearly as much insulin to bring it back down. You’re also getting dietary fiber and healthy fats and a bunch of other things. On the flip side, 160 calories of soda is pure sugar, and so it’s absorbed through the portal system to the liver - which means it hits the liver all at once, which causes blood sugar spikes, which causes rapid insulin production, which is essentially why we have almost 60 thousand cases of type 2 diabetes in children in this country.
For a little more context, type 2 diabetes used to be called ‘adult onset diabetes’, because there were no cases in children. Not anymore. We have medically obese six-month-olds, mostly because of this crap. Even the people who look skinny and ‘healthy’ usually have fat collected around their internal organs because of all this overdosing on sugar, which of course can cause the exact same health issues as someone who is visibly overweight.
So, how did this happen?
Well, essentially, back in 1977, there was this thing called ‘The McGovern Report’, which was a nutrition report that basically said that Americans should limit their intake of beef, sugar, and dairy products for optimal health. Of course, the beef, sugar, and dairy industries went nuts and pushed them to change the report. They did. And the recommendations to ‘reduce intake’ of anything were scratched from the final version in favor of encouraging Americans to buy more 'lean' products. When the skim milk (milk without the fat) idea really took hold in the 80s, all that milk fat had to go somewhere. Well, the easiest thing for them to do was to make it into cheese. The problem was that soon enough, they had more cheese than they really knew what to do with, but instead of pushing the dairy industry to cut back, they just said ‘Hey, why don’t we help them sell more cheese?’
So they did. Now the cheese section in almost any grocery story is overstuffed with all manner of cheese and cheese-food product.
A similar thing happened between the World Health Organization and the Bush Administration where they recommenced that no more than 10% of daily calories should come from sugar. And what basically happened was that the administration threatened to pull all of their funding from the WHO if the report was not revised. They extorted the WHO. And now the report states that no more than 25% of daily calories should come from sugar - 2.5x the WHO’s recommendation. That’s why you never see a percentage listed beside sugar on the label of any food in the U.S. You’d be seeing 150% or 225% of your daily value.
And what gets me the most is that this is in everything.
80% of all foods in almost any grocery store have added sugar in them and why? Because when we as a nation realized that we were, to put it simply, ‘getting fat’, we decided that fat was the enemy. So we had it reduced or removed. Everything is ‘fat-free’ or ‘reduced fat’. But here’s the problem: when you remove fat from food, it tastes awful. It tastes like cardboard. So what to we do? We pour in some sugar to cover the taste. Kid’s cereals, soft drinks, candy, vitamin water, salad dressing - damn near everything that didn’t come directly or almost directly from a plant.
And these overabundances of sugar are, most obviously, also found in candies. Candy which is marketed directly to children primarily because of the addictive qualities of the sugar it contains. A child who is well and truly addicted to sugar is likely to be a customer for life.
What people need to understand is that sugar is a concentrated substance, like high fructose corn syrup - and cocaine. When you concentrate a substance like this, you remove all the nutritional buffers that the plant naturally has to help you digest things and not get sick. Cocaine comes from the leaves of the Coca plant which is widely used in tea, as an herbal remedy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with drinking that tea - there’s no ‘high’ or adverse affects associated with it. And there is a safe threshold for sugar, under 25 grams a day, just like it’s safe to drink the tea. Am I worried about fruit sugar, which you naturally get from eating an apple? No. Am I worried about apple juice? Yes.
Studies involving lab mice have shown that sugar is around 8 times more addictive than cocaine. One study consisted of 43 cocaine-addicted lab mice. These 43 mice were given the choice between cocaine and sugar-water over a period of fifteen days. 40 out of the 43 chose the sugar-water.
And there will industry-funded study after industry-funded study claiming that there’s no link or that the science isn’t there when we’ve all had this knowledge since at least 1977 and no one in power has done anything about it. Which is exactly what the tobacco industries did when cigarettes were linked to cancer.
And honestly, I’m just somewhere between pissed off and a bit scared about the whole thing. This was a little like taking the red pill, I think. I’m sorry to potentially drag you along like that, I just really needed to get this all down and out of my head...
Regardless of any of this, I have been about two or three days without getting over 25 grams of added sugar a day. I'm actually tying to limit added sugar as much as reasonably possible and honestly? I'm feeling very good right now. I feel lighter and much more focused and just... better.
So here's hoping that life continues this recent trend.
3.6.15
9.5.15
Lord, Lord, that greed, it'll kill ya!
And that title, while very true, has precious little to do with the rest of this post.
So... it's been a while.
A lot's been going on, honestly. Plus I just haven't had a lot to say.
I've made some life decisions, both in terms of writing and in terms of... well, general life, and I'm currently sitting here at about 12:30 thinking over these changes and whether or not I have a deep, gut-feeling kind of problem with any of them.
And honestly? No.
And that seems a little odd to me, but I also don't want to over-think and talk myself out of doing something that could be really fun and freeing, and maybe even do some good in some way? I mean, stranger things have happened.
For those wondering, I'm talking about officially including erotica in my writing rotation. I sort of feel like I 'should' have a problem with it from a religious standpoint, but I don't have that deep down, gut-reaction 'don't get on the plane' feeling about writing stuff like that, and I would expect that I would. Or at least a hint of it.
I don't know. I mean, I'll take some time here soon and think it through just to be sure. You know, like actually pray about it and about my life direction in general, like I do with ... Well, I was going to say like I do with all major life decisions but I'm having a hard time remembering when I've made any proper major life decisions in past. Like, ones that I actually intended to do something about. I'm not sure there have really been any. I've always kind of just... done things because they were there to do. That's why I went to college, at least. Seemed like the thing to do.
Huh.
Maybe the depression is finally lifting a bit? *knocks on anything even resembling wood*
Either way, I really do need to jump in on my own writing. I'm finding it more and more difficult to believe that I still don't have a book out there. Like, at least one. Not the right time, I guess.
For the immediate future, I think I'm going to go try to finish writing a chapter of this ghost-writing project I've got, and then maybe read 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'.
Thing's will work out, just the way they're supposed to. I don't doubt that I'm a writer - now it's just a matter of pinning down what I'm writing. It's all under control ^w^
(I actually... want to go to church again. And that's odd because being around my father kind of soured me on the whole 'church-goer' thing for a while. I mean, I want to find one where I don't feel like I'm being looked down on for being honest about myself, but if I can find one like that, it'd be nice to go again.)
Until next time, then~
Love,
Rabbit
So... it's been a while.
A lot's been going on, honestly. Plus I just haven't had a lot to say.
I've made some life decisions, both in terms of writing and in terms of... well, general life, and I'm currently sitting here at about 12:30 thinking over these changes and whether or not I have a deep, gut-feeling kind of problem with any of them.
And honestly? No.
And that seems a little odd to me, but I also don't want to over-think and talk myself out of doing something that could be really fun and freeing, and maybe even do some good in some way? I mean, stranger things have happened.
For those wondering, I'm talking about officially including erotica in my writing rotation. I sort of feel like I 'should' have a problem with it from a religious standpoint, but I don't have that deep down, gut-reaction 'don't get on the plane' feeling about writing stuff like that, and I would expect that I would. Or at least a hint of it.
I don't know. I mean, I'll take some time here soon and think it through just to be sure. You know, like actually pray about it and about my life direction in general, like I do with ... Well, I was going to say like I do with all major life decisions but I'm having a hard time remembering when I've made any proper major life decisions in past. Like, ones that I actually intended to do something about. I'm not sure there have really been any. I've always kind of just... done things because they were there to do. That's why I went to college, at least. Seemed like the thing to do.
Huh.
Maybe the depression is finally lifting a bit? *knocks on anything even resembling wood*
Either way, I really do need to jump in on my own writing. I'm finding it more and more difficult to believe that I still don't have a book out there. Like, at least one. Not the right time, I guess.
For the immediate future, I think I'm going to go try to finish writing a chapter of this ghost-writing project I've got, and then maybe read 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'.
Thing's will work out, just the way they're supposed to. I don't doubt that I'm a writer - now it's just a matter of pinning down what I'm writing. It's all under control ^w^
(I actually... want to go to church again. And that's odd because being around my father kind of soured me on the whole 'church-goer' thing for a while. I mean, I want to find one where I don't feel like I'm being looked down on for being honest about myself, but if I can find one like that, it'd be nice to go again.)
Until next time, then~
Love,
Rabbit
29.3.15
Things I Want + A Thought or Two
First order of business: Things I want and will probably buy at some point. Because I am a geek. And we all know it.
-- This phone case
Why? Because it's Dead Space and I forgot how much I loved that game/series. Yeah, it's kinda run-and-gun and all that, but the world it's set in is just so interesting~
-- This dog-tag
Why? See above reason ^
-- And... all of the tie-in Dead Space novels
Pretty much just because I forget how much the whole story kinda rocked my world.
But that isn't the main point here. The main point of this post is not a short list of stuff I might buy once I have the funds for it (and after I buy my cosplay stuff), nor is it the next part, which will be a short segment on the goodness that it Chris Baty's updated and revised version of No Plot? No Problem! No, the point is what comes ofter that, which I think is an important thing to consider. For right now though, I give you a minor creative revelation:
I wasn't too sure about No Plot? No Problem! going in, but honestly, I'm 105 pages in right now and I am feeling a lot better about the creative process as a whole. Like, I'm not even sure why but it seems more accessible now, like ti used to. I used to just jump in all the time and have fun figuring things out as I went. More often than not, I would wind up with something at least half-way decent at the end of it. But then I kind of fell into the same trap that most people do when they start to get older (he says from his comfortable 22-year-old spot on the chronological map) - I started to worry about competence.
Now, don't get me wrong, I get that competence is a very good thing and that there are places where flinging five feet, three inches of screaming hot Stop It at any issue that may decide to raise its horned and feathered head would be a great way to go. The thing is, what about all those other times? There are some places where wanting to appear professional and like you're always in control (or even like you have any clue at all about what you're doing) can really drag you down.
It turns out that for me - and probably for most people in some way or another - 'anything creative' is one of those situations. In fact, for creative types, it's usually 'Situation One'.
So, that's the mindset: Just write. Worry later. (I was going to say 'No Rules, Just Write', but that's also kind of an Outback Steakhouse slogan and I'm a vegetarian so... yeah.)
But that's also not my point.
My point is this: God does not make mistakes.
Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I am a Christian but that I am a liberal Christian (which basically means that I'm very likely to defend God and gay rights in the same breath) and I have some trouble with lot of people out there in the big, bad world because of this little phrase.
But here's my take on it, and I like to think it's a simple take: God does not make mistakes, and that means that I am as I am intentionally.
Just to walk you through the current list (I say 'current' because I'm still sort of figuring a few things out), I am: asexual (does not experience sexual attraction to any gender), polyromantic (experiences romantic attraction to multiple, but not all, genders), genderqueer (umbrella term: used for someone who identifies as a neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders), likely transmasculine (someone who was assigned female at birth but identifies as more male than female), and possibly polyamorous (the state of having (or the ability to have) multiple committed relationships with many people at the same time, with full knowledge and consent of all involved) .
And all this weirdness (at least weirdness from a societal standpoint) is okay. Why? Because it's honest and it's not hurting anyone. And part of the reason I feel the way I do about this whole thing is that I am also a writer and more than that, I am a writer who enjoys writing about people like them, especially Christian people like them (though I'm generally not someone who enjoys very heavy religions themes in books, so it may not come up explicitly). And I find this level of deep support for who a person is at their deepest level to be severely lacking on many levels. The idea that queer Christians (to use a blanket term for a very diverse community) exist and are happy and supported should not be a revolutionary thing ever. A God who loves his children just as they are, with all of our shortcomings and weaknesses and general strangeness - none of which is a surprise to Him, mind - is not some kind of revolutionary idea. From Sunday School up, you are taught that God is love. I wish more people would set their signs down and believe that. This whole message would not carry nearly the same weight if I was a straight, cisgender female. So... here I am.
But that is just my opinion. And so I'm going to move on, move forward, and try to live honestly, even though it's difficult, especially when you take the larger society into account with any sort of frequency. Just pay attention to that little voice - the one that tends to let you know if you're screwing something up, like a gut reaction to a bad decision. And, basically, unless it's illegal, immoral, or fattening, I'm just going to worry about much. Worrying makes me doubt things and doubting things makes me unhappy and why would I do anything that made me unhappy? I'll do enough actual work to pay my bills and whatnot but aside from actual 'survival costs' like that, I'm just gonna be me and see what happens.
Because, damn it, I'm interesting. And I've got a lot to say.
Okay. So that was odd, what just happened, and probably a bit too personal but hey, it's my blog. As for the immediate future, I think I'm going to go get something to eat, watch an episode of Sherlock with Mom, and then maybe attempt my old method of jumping into the creative ocean face first again. It's been way too long since I've gotten a sinus cavity full of freezing cold creativity.
Until later, then. I hope you all have a great day.
-- This phone case
Why? Because it's Dead Space and I forgot how much I loved that game/series. Yeah, it's kinda run-and-gun and all that, but the world it's set in is just so interesting~
-- This dog-tag
Why? See above reason ^
-- And... all of the tie-in Dead Space novels
Pretty much just because I forget how much the whole story kinda rocked my world.
But that isn't the main point here. The main point of this post is not a short list of stuff I might buy once I have the funds for it (and after I buy my cosplay stuff), nor is it the next part, which will be a short segment on the goodness that it Chris Baty's updated and revised version of No Plot? No Problem! No, the point is what comes ofter that, which I think is an important thing to consider. For right now though, I give you a minor creative revelation:
I wasn't too sure about No Plot? No Problem! going in, but honestly, I'm 105 pages in right now and I am feeling a lot better about the creative process as a whole. Like, I'm not even sure why but it seems more accessible now, like ti used to. I used to just jump in all the time and have fun figuring things out as I went. More often than not, I would wind up with something at least half-way decent at the end of it. But then I kind of fell into the same trap that most people do when they start to get older (he says from his comfortable 22-year-old spot on the chronological map) - I started to worry about competence.
Now, don't get me wrong, I get that competence is a very good thing and that there are places where flinging five feet, three inches of screaming hot Stop It at any issue that may decide to raise its horned and feathered head would be a great way to go. The thing is, what about all those other times? There are some places where wanting to appear professional and like you're always in control (or even like you have any clue at all about what you're doing) can really drag you down.
It turns out that for me - and probably for most people in some way or another - 'anything creative' is one of those situations. In fact, for creative types, it's usually 'Situation One'.
So, that's the mindset: Just write. Worry later. (I was going to say 'No Rules, Just Write', but that's also kind of an Outback Steakhouse slogan and I'm a vegetarian so... yeah.)
But that's also not my point.
My point is this: God does not make mistakes.
Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I am a Christian but that I am a liberal Christian (which basically means that I'm very likely to defend God and gay rights in the same breath) and I have some trouble with lot of people out there in the big, bad world because of this little phrase.
But here's my take on it, and I like to think it's a simple take: God does not make mistakes, and that means that I am as I am intentionally.
Just to walk you through the current list (I say 'current' because I'm still sort of figuring a few things out), I am: asexual (does not experience sexual attraction to any gender), polyromantic (experiences romantic attraction to multiple, but not all, genders), genderqueer (umbrella term: used for someone who identifies as a neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders), likely transmasculine (someone who was assigned female at birth but identifies as more male than female), and possibly polyamorous (the state of having (or the ability to have) multiple committed relationships with many people at the same time, with full knowledge and consent of all involved) .
And all this weirdness (at least weirdness from a societal standpoint) is okay. Why? Because it's honest and it's not hurting anyone. And part of the reason I feel the way I do about this whole thing is that I am also a writer and more than that, I am a writer who enjoys writing about people like them, especially Christian people like them (though I'm generally not someone who enjoys very heavy religions themes in books, so it may not come up explicitly). And I find this level of deep support for who a person is at their deepest level to be severely lacking on many levels. The idea that queer Christians (to use a blanket term for a very diverse community) exist and are happy and supported should not be a revolutionary thing ever. A God who loves his children just as they are, with all of our shortcomings and weaknesses and general strangeness - none of which is a surprise to Him, mind - is not some kind of revolutionary idea. From Sunday School up, you are taught that God is love. I wish more people would set their signs down and believe that. This whole message would not carry nearly the same weight if I was a straight, cisgender female. So... here I am.
But that is just my opinion. And so I'm going to move on, move forward, and try to live honestly, even though it's difficult, especially when you take the larger society into account with any sort of frequency. Just pay attention to that little voice - the one that tends to let you know if you're screwing something up, like a gut reaction to a bad decision. And, basically, unless it's illegal, immoral, or fattening, I'm just going to worry about much. Worrying makes me doubt things and doubting things makes me unhappy and why would I do anything that made me unhappy? I'll do enough actual work to pay my bills and whatnot but aside from actual 'survival costs' like that, I'm just gonna be me and see what happens.
Because, damn it, I'm interesting. And I've got a lot to say.
Okay. So that was odd, what just happened, and probably a bit too personal but hey, it's my blog. As for the immediate future, I think I'm going to go get something to eat, watch an episode of Sherlock with Mom, and then maybe attempt my old method of jumping into the creative ocean face first again. It's been way too long since I've gotten a sinus cavity full of freezing cold creativity.
Until later, then. I hope you all have a great day.
5.3.15
The Days After a Long Trip
are always really weird.
Okay. So. Here we go with the wrap-up.
I left from my house to drive (well, ride, technically since Mom was driving) an hour to a bigger city where we could then catch the train for about an hour and a half to Seattle. They recently redid King Street Station with a lot of detail:
That's part of the ceiling.
I know, right?
I killed the time which was not spent gawking at the impressive detail work of the Mad Fretworker of Seattle by reading this charming little thing:
which ends on a very unexpected note, which I will not spoil here. I can only say this: Impulsive, dumb gay vampires. This series is full of them. And I love it.
Anywho, we sat there on these cool-looking but hella uncomfortable benches for a while until our train pulled in, at which point we were required to lift about 20 pounds of luggage (mine being split unevenly between a backpack and an overnight bag) and shag our asses up these twisty, narrow little stairs (up two and turn, up four and turn, up three and turn) into this passage that wants to be a hallway when it grows up.
Thankfully, this did not result in injury and hence did not result in a lawsuit, which meant that the trip could continue uninterrupted.
Our car attendant on the trip up was a distinctly average-looking man who made a career out of doing the bare minimum of work required to keep his job. In spite of this, the trip was fairly pleasant so long as one could ignore the frigid temperatures and the fact that the heat in our room was less of a 'heater' and more of a decorative plate which at times felt warmer than the air in the car only by virtue of the fact that it was sitting directly in the sun for most of the day.
This was taken from Minot, ND. As you can see, Minot is scenically located on the rim of the Ninth Circle.
Arctic conditions aside, all was pretty quiet on the ride up. Union Station at rush hour, on the other hand - not so calm as a private sleeper car on a three-day train trip.
Luckily, the people we stayed with (who we now all consider to be family - seriously, we all kind of fit together like puzzle pieces) are beyond awesome and they have a super-cute dog:
I dare you to look at that picture and not smile, even a little bit.
Now... a lot happened over this trip but I'll try to break it down a little more so I don't get all confused. One of the first things that happened was Shedd Aquarium:
And a whole bunch of other awesome stuff. Because that place is huge. Like 'five hours spent in there' huge.
Really, we went a lot of amazing places. The whole trip is kind of a blur but I distinctly remember an antique store (where I found the Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles book Blood and Gold), two bookstores - Half Price Books and Unabridged Books - where I found more Anne Rice, a Stephen King book, a bunch of stuff I've been wanting to read and even a couple proper quitter strips, and then a place called The Alley (where I found this stuff):
all of which are awesome. The shirt says 'Keep Calm and Kill Zombies'. I mean, come on. A good binder, that shirt, some like cargo pants, maybe some boots, and basically this hair and makeup thing:
essentially equals 'my current aesthetic'.
And all of that is to say nothing of the food. The food was pretty much amazing across the board. Like, look at this thing:
Just look at that. Yep.
The whole trip was like... really surreal in a weird way. Like, one of the things you have to know about me is that I don't do a lot of things. I don't talk to checkers in stores or really even go through lines myself. I don't often order my own food. I don't stay off-line for days on end to go walking around a huge city in the gently falling snow and visit bookstores with Darling, her family, and my mom.
But I did all of that. Easily. It was even fun.
I don't even know.
But I'm trying to hold onto that feeling I had in that city. It was something like endless creativity marked by this odd sense of calm. I liked that feeling. That feeling was like being able to handle things. I like being able to handle things.
So, this post has taken me way too long to complete and it's going up before I go to bed regardless so... Tomorrow. Tomorrow will probably be spent reading and writing a bit, which is quite possibly the best way to spend a day.
For right now though, it's getting late and I have to be up at a reasonable time to go hang out with my grandparents so, I'm going to wrap this up and go try to sleep.
Good night, and I hope you all have a really great day~
Okay. So. Here we go with the wrap-up.
I left from my house to drive (well, ride, technically since Mom was driving) an hour to a bigger city where we could then catch the train for about an hour and a half to Seattle. They recently redid King Street Station with a lot of detail:
That's part of the ceiling.
I know, right?
I killed the time which was not spent gawking at the impressive detail work of the Mad Fretworker of Seattle by reading this charming little thing:
which ends on a very unexpected note, which I will not spoil here. I can only say this: Impulsive, dumb gay vampires. This series is full of them. And I love it.
Anywho, we sat there on these cool-looking but hella uncomfortable benches for a while until our train pulled in, at which point we were required to lift about 20 pounds of luggage (mine being split unevenly between a backpack and an overnight bag) and shag our asses up these twisty, narrow little stairs (up two and turn, up four and turn, up three and turn) into this passage that wants to be a hallway when it grows up.
Thankfully, this did not result in injury and hence did not result in a lawsuit, which meant that the trip could continue uninterrupted.
Our car attendant on the trip up was a distinctly average-looking man who made a career out of doing the bare minimum of work required to keep his job. In spite of this, the trip was fairly pleasant so long as one could ignore the frigid temperatures and the fact that the heat in our room was less of a 'heater' and more of a decorative plate which at times felt warmer than the air in the car only by virtue of the fact that it was sitting directly in the sun for most of the day.
This was taken from Minot, ND. As you can see, Minot is scenically located on the rim of the Ninth Circle.
Arctic conditions aside, all was pretty quiet on the ride up. Union Station at rush hour, on the other hand - not so calm as a private sleeper car on a three-day train trip.
Luckily, the people we stayed with (who we now all consider to be family - seriously, we all kind of fit together like puzzle pieces) are beyond awesome and they have a super-cute dog:
I dare you to look at that picture and not smile, even a little bit.
Now... a lot happened over this trip but I'll try to break it down a little more so I don't get all confused. One of the first things that happened was Shedd Aquarium:
And a whole bunch of other awesome stuff. Because that place is huge. Like 'five hours spent in there' huge.
Really, we went a lot of amazing places. The whole trip is kind of a blur but I distinctly remember an antique store (where I found the Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles book Blood and Gold), two bookstores - Half Price Books and Unabridged Books - where I found more Anne Rice, a Stephen King book, a bunch of stuff I've been wanting to read and even a couple proper quitter strips, and then a place called The Alley (where I found this stuff):
all of which are awesome. The shirt says 'Keep Calm and Kill Zombies'. I mean, come on. A good binder, that shirt, some like cargo pants, maybe some boots, and basically this hair and makeup thing:
essentially equals 'my current aesthetic'.
And all of that is to say nothing of the food. The food was pretty much amazing across the board. Like, look at this thing:
Just look at that. Yep.
The whole trip was like... really surreal in a weird way. Like, one of the things you have to know about me is that I don't do a lot of things. I don't talk to checkers in stores or really even go through lines myself. I don't often order my own food. I don't stay off-line for days on end to go walking around a huge city in the gently falling snow and visit bookstores with Darling, her family, and my mom.
But I did all of that. Easily. It was even fun.
I don't even know.
But I'm trying to hold onto that feeling I had in that city. It was something like endless creativity marked by this odd sense of calm. I liked that feeling. That feeling was like being able to handle things. I like being able to handle things.
So, this post has taken me way too long to complete and it's going up before I go to bed regardless so... Tomorrow. Tomorrow will probably be spent reading and writing a bit, which is quite possibly the best way to spend a day.
For right now though, it's getting late and I have to be up at a reasonable time to go hang out with my grandparents so, I'm going to wrap this up and go try to sleep.
Good night, and I hope you all have a really great day~
4.3.15
The Dangers of Many Things
Namely, the dangers of staying up late, the dangers of writing, and the dangers of reading.
Which, upon closer inspection, sound like a series. Like 'And next on my list is Rabbit Hart's 'The Dangers of Many Things' series. I have the first three books here - The Dangers of Staying up Late, The Dangers of Writing, and The Dangers of Reading.'
Anyway.
First order of business: I have found a site I truly love. And it is this site [right here].
(For those of you who don't want to click that, it goes to a site called the Book Depository, which is great and you should go there. That place makes me feel like I need to set aside a 'book budget' each month just for this place. It is a beautiful thing.)
Secondly, I am planning.
I realize that I plan a lot and not much seems to come of it most times but I feel like being serious for a while here.
I am planning on using Camp NaNoWriMo (in July) to revamp a story of mine that I'm still a bit in love with but that I hadn't really gotten around to, you know, fixing. And I'm like unusually focused about this right now. I even bought a book (which I'd kind of been wanting to read for a while, honestly) off of a gift card just so I could write the main relationship correctly.
You know, it's weird: that trip to Chicago really kinda shook things up. (A longer post about that trip is coming, by the by, I just haven't finished it yet.) I guess it might have made me realize that A) there's way more to life than just this little logging town and the comfortable rut Mom and I were essentially living in, at least mentally, and B) a lot of my productivity is tied to how much I'm reading. As soon as I finish a book, I want to do two things - pick up another one, and go write one myself.
So.
I'm going to hang out for a little bit longer. Maybe finish reading Marley & Me. Tomorrow will probably be spent figuring out just what the hell I mean to do exactly, watching The Venture Bros., making awesome food for dinner, and writing things.
I'm oddly happy about that simple prospect.
Which, upon closer inspection, sound like a series. Like 'And next on my list is Rabbit Hart's 'The Dangers of Many Things' series. I have the first three books here - The Dangers of Staying up Late, The Dangers of Writing, and The Dangers of Reading.'
Anyway.
First order of business: I have found a site I truly love. And it is this site [right here].
(For those of you who don't want to click that, it goes to a site called the Book Depository, which is great and you should go there. That place makes me feel like I need to set aside a 'book budget' each month just for this place. It is a beautiful thing.)
Secondly, I am planning.
I realize that I plan a lot and not much seems to come of it most times but I feel like being serious for a while here.
I am planning on using Camp NaNoWriMo (in July) to revamp a story of mine that I'm still a bit in love with but that I hadn't really gotten around to, you know, fixing. And I'm like unusually focused about this right now. I even bought a book (which I'd kind of been wanting to read for a while, honestly) off of a gift card just so I could write the main relationship correctly.
You know, it's weird: that trip to Chicago really kinda shook things up. (A longer post about that trip is coming, by the by, I just haven't finished it yet.) I guess it might have made me realize that A) there's way more to life than just this little logging town and the comfortable rut Mom and I were essentially living in, at least mentally, and B) a lot of my productivity is tied to how much I'm reading. As soon as I finish a book, I want to do two things - pick up another one, and go write one myself.
So.
I'm going to hang out for a little bit longer. Maybe finish reading Marley & Me. Tomorrow will probably be spent figuring out just what the hell I mean to do exactly, watching The Venture Bros., making awesome food for dinner, and writing things.
I'm oddly happy about that simple prospect.
2.2.15
Three Points About Me (That Need to Change)
1) I self-sabotage (and I'm pissed off about it)
This first point I noticed because of the Seattle Seahawks. Namely, them losing Super Bowl 49 (not bothering with the Roman numerals right now) because of a single bad call. As a result, I had a minor break down (I say 'minor' because it only involved crying and shutting myself in my office for over an hour rather than breaking things). My mom actually figured out what was probably the cause of this: They were probably one call away from a win. And then someone screwed it up. Much like how I tend to get fairly far when I'm actually committed to something but I'll never win because when I'm close to winning, some part of my brain tells me 'You don't deserve this.' And then some other part goes, 'I agree.' So I screw something simple up. And I never get anywhere.
Seeing that on a grand scale is really fucking annoying, and slightly soul-crushing, hence all the crying.
So, an honest thank you to the Seahawks for helping me figure myself out. Now get back out there.
2) I act mostly under a false idea of how others see me
This is really a shorter, more general statement but I've caught myself doing things/not doing things/backing down from ideas, just because I was pretty sure that someone would hate me if I did something a certain way, even though I had no real evidence of that. It wasn't ever really a conscious thing but it was enough to mess me up on multiple occasions.
Not productive at all, what I'm doing.
3) I'm insecure.
Sadly I had to notice this because it usually took me at least a week to respond to a friend's emails even when I know being left hanging is stressful for her. I never mean to cause her to feel wounded or like she's being ignored (she's my friend - I mean, who would do that kinda crap?) but I just could not get myself together enough to answer. We also had an RP idea we were going to do. Been talking about it for a while now. Never happened. Why? Because I'm surprisingly insecure and have issues with envy.
[Quick vocab lesson: Jealousy is when you're afraid someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is 'envy'.]
She is a very good writer, from what I've seen. She also has some of the most interesting and original ideas I think I've ever seen. And I wish my mind didn't go blank when I'm trying to talk about simple things like fandoms and AUs and headcanons with her because I'm just dead-set convinced that pretty soon she's going to realize that all my ideas are terrible and have been done a million times in better ways or else just aren't that interesting, and hence will leave.
Obviously, I don't want this to happen being that she is, as I've stated earlier, my friend.
Bottom line: I feel so wretched and uncreative next to her it makes it extremely difficult to focus on anything else. And that really sucks because she's super nice and I sure as hell don't want to lose out on a good friendship because of my own low self-esteem.
So, this concludes the short list of things I need to be working on.
For right now, though, I think I'm going to go finish a book I've been hacking my way though. I really need a few more quitter strips (by which I mean 'bookmarks'). I've just been using an index card lately.
'Poor Kid's Quitter Strip'
This first point I noticed because of the Seattle Seahawks. Namely, them losing Super Bowl 49 (not bothering with the Roman numerals right now) because of a single bad call. As a result, I had a minor break down (I say 'minor' because it only involved crying and shutting myself in my office for over an hour rather than breaking things). My mom actually figured out what was probably the cause of this: They were probably one call away from a win. And then someone screwed it up. Much like how I tend to get fairly far when I'm actually committed to something but I'll never win because when I'm close to winning, some part of my brain tells me 'You don't deserve this.' And then some other part goes, 'I agree.' So I screw something simple up. And I never get anywhere.
Seeing that on a grand scale is really fucking annoying, and slightly soul-crushing, hence all the crying.
So, an honest thank you to the Seahawks for helping me figure myself out. Now get back out there.
2) I act mostly under a false idea of how others see me
This is really a shorter, more general statement but I've caught myself doing things/not doing things/backing down from ideas, just because I was pretty sure that someone would hate me if I did something a certain way, even though I had no real evidence of that. It wasn't ever really a conscious thing but it was enough to mess me up on multiple occasions.
Not productive at all, what I'm doing.
3) I'm insecure.
Sadly I had to notice this because it usually took me at least a week to respond to a friend's emails even when I know being left hanging is stressful for her. I never mean to cause her to feel wounded or like she's being ignored (she's my friend - I mean, who would do that kinda crap?) but I just could not get myself together enough to answer. We also had an RP idea we were going to do. Been talking about it for a while now. Never happened. Why? Because I'm surprisingly insecure and have issues with envy.
[Quick vocab lesson: Jealousy is when you're afraid someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is 'envy'.]
She is a very good writer, from what I've seen. She also has some of the most interesting and original ideas I think I've ever seen. And I wish my mind didn't go blank when I'm trying to talk about simple things like fandoms and AUs and headcanons with her because I'm just dead-set convinced that pretty soon she's going to realize that all my ideas are terrible and have been done a million times in better ways or else just aren't that interesting, and hence will leave.
Obviously, I don't want this to happen being that she is, as I've stated earlier, my friend.
Bottom line: I feel so wretched and uncreative next to her it makes it extremely difficult to focus on anything else. And that really sucks because she's super nice and I sure as hell don't want to lose out on a good friendship because of my own low self-esteem.
So, this concludes the short list of things I need to be working on.
For right now, though, I think I'm going to go finish a book I've been hacking my way though. I really need a few more quitter strips (by which I mean 'bookmarks'). I've just been using an index card lately.
'Poor Kid's Quitter Strip'
25.1.15
Five in the morning
Books are not absolutely dead things, but do contain a potency of life in them to be as active as that soul was whose progeny they are; nay they do preserve as in a vial the purest efficacy and extraction of that living intellect that bred them. Unless wariness be used, as good almost kill a man as kill a good book; who kills a man kills a reasonable creature, God's image; but he who destroys a good book, kills reason itself, kills the image of God, as it were in the eye. -- John Milton, Areopagitica: A speech of Mr John Milton for the liberty of unlicenced printing to the Parliament of England
I remembered this quote (well, I remembered a part of it and then had to look it up) and thought it would be good to keep it here so I can come back to it.
I don't know what today's going to be. Like at all.
I feel very strange (though not exactly bad) and I'm just hoping today's a good day.
I remembered this quote (well, I remembered a part of it and then had to look it up) and thought it would be good to keep it here so I can come back to it.
I don't know what today's going to be. Like at all.
I feel very strange (though not exactly bad) and I'm just hoping today's a good day.
24.1.15
Insomnia
Simple title, very annoying issue.
I'd imagine it's a little like the madness of being caught in Flatland, understanding something more but being largely unable to articulate it, much to the frustration and annoyance of yourself and everyone around you.
It's after nine in the morning. I know this because I have yet to fall asleep. The reason for this is partially my own fault (as in, not shutting my computer, watching a movie, reading an entire book, etc. when I was meant to be asleep) and partially out of my control (I have too many half-formed pans in my head and I lack both the follow-through to complete and the inner-peace to let rest for another day, I'm distractingly hungry but I have no desire to eat, achingly tired but there's a certain guilt attached to sleeping at this hour of the day which makes it even more difficult to shut off my brain.)
And basically, when it comes right down to it, I don't want to sleep because I'm tried; I want to sleep to shut out the world. Example, I know my messed up sleep schedule annoys my mother. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about how much I'm annoying her (currently, in my mind, just by virtue of the fact that I exist). Until I wake back up, that is, at which point the cycle just starts all over again, namely: I've slept all day, meaning that I am once again not tired when it's turns night, meaning that I'm unlikely to be able to sleep over the course of the night, meaning that I'm once again up too late and feeling like a hack and a failure for doing nothing of value.
I realize that recovery of any sort is not a strict linear progression from 'ill' to 'well' but rather it contains all manner of backslides and inconvenient stretches in which is perfectly impossible to do anything you feel is useful in the slightest. This includes writing a coherent sentence of fiction, making any money at all, living up to your own laughably low goals, hell - even keeping up with my friends is a chore for me right now. Do you know why it takes me so long to get out of bed in the morning? It's not that kind of pale laziness that afflicts all school-aged children in one form or another - it's the paralyzing weight of unknowing that I can't seem to avoid nor decouple from an intense desire to simply lie there and doze and think (about the physics of higher dimensions, about the inherent difficulties in attempting to guide a larger society into acceptance of outliers as an essential part of the human experience, about the strange nebulous thing that is authorship, about the idea that I as a human being have the right to define my own experiences and insist on being made comfortable just as everyone else, about the weird and wonderful thing that is conlangs, anything).
All of this giving the completely understandable outward appearance of laziness (or possibly depression, depending on your reading), but I might argue that it's more a kind of... ugh, what's the word?
It's a kind of vicious cycle wherein everything (misspellings, simple noises, etc.) is unduly annoying and this feeds an ongoing inner monologue I seem to have acquired which makes it very clear that, regardless of what my time is spent doing, it is always wasted.
This makes some sense if I've been watching a movie when I could/should have been working. Yes, in all cases the movie was educational for me, but that won't cover the 70 bucks a month I owe until, like, May... sadly. It also gets nothing written, which hinders me even more because being unable to write is a strange and kind of sickly feeling - it's a bit like feeling a talent for a thing you often find so much joy in being slowly drained from you, as though some vast and uncaring part of the universe perceived it as venom welling in a wound and elected to remove it on a whim.
As a result, I remain in this little admittedly comfortable room, thinking in circles and becoming increasingly annoyed by my complete inability to function like a 'normal' person. Yes, I know, I should be focused far more on working within my limits rather than breaking my hands on the walls attempting to get through them (because, spoiler: that never works), but what happens when your supposed 'recovery' hits a stretch where you're perpetually 'out of spoons'? It's difficult to do anything when all you feel capable of focusing on at the moment is thinking, sleep, and possibly eating enough to avoid death.
In the long run, it may be better to roll with these moments and just know that they'll pass (and probably quicker if you'd stop stressing) but some part of my brain always starts jumping up and down with 'That's not good enough and you're an utter joke of a human being.' And that wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for that other part that always stands up and says 'I agree.'
Basically, it's all a rich tapestry of self-imposed guilt, an easily angered and overwhelmed self, complex issues of gender/sexuality/creativity and my relationship not only to the works of others but to others themselves that just can't be answered quickly, a complicated relationship with my place in the world both as part of the GSM and as an artist, and probably some manner of internalized ablism. I feel it's safe to say that all of this is currently contributing to the surprising lack of both focus and give-a-damn.
That's basically what's been on my mind lately. And that's why I didn't sleep last night.
I'm still not sure what to do about that.
I'd imagine it's a little like the madness of being caught in Flatland, understanding something more but being largely unable to articulate it, much to the frustration and annoyance of yourself and everyone around you.
It's after nine in the morning. I know this because I have yet to fall asleep. The reason for this is partially my own fault (as in, not shutting my computer, watching a movie, reading an entire book, etc. when I was meant to be asleep) and partially out of my control (I have too many half-formed pans in my head and I lack both the follow-through to complete and the inner-peace to let rest for another day, I'm distractingly hungry but I have no desire to eat, achingly tired but there's a certain guilt attached to sleeping at this hour of the day which makes it even more difficult to shut off my brain.)
And basically, when it comes right down to it, I don't want to sleep because I'm tried; I want to sleep to shut out the world. Example, I know my messed up sleep schedule annoys my mother. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about how much I'm annoying her (currently, in my mind, just by virtue of the fact that I exist). Until I wake back up, that is, at which point the cycle just starts all over again, namely: I've slept all day, meaning that I am once again not tired when it's turns night, meaning that I'm unlikely to be able to sleep over the course of the night, meaning that I'm once again up too late and feeling like a hack and a failure for doing nothing of value.
I realize that recovery of any sort is not a strict linear progression from 'ill' to 'well' but rather it contains all manner of backslides and inconvenient stretches in which is perfectly impossible to do anything you feel is useful in the slightest. This includes writing a coherent sentence of fiction, making any money at all, living up to your own laughably low goals, hell - even keeping up with my friends is a chore for me right now. Do you know why it takes me so long to get out of bed in the morning? It's not that kind of pale laziness that afflicts all school-aged children in one form or another - it's the paralyzing weight of unknowing that I can't seem to avoid nor decouple from an intense desire to simply lie there and doze and think (about the physics of higher dimensions, about the inherent difficulties in attempting to guide a larger society into acceptance of outliers as an essential part of the human experience, about the strange nebulous thing that is authorship, about the idea that I as a human being have the right to define my own experiences and insist on being made comfortable just as everyone else, about the weird and wonderful thing that is conlangs, anything).
All of this giving the completely understandable outward appearance of laziness (or possibly depression, depending on your reading), but I might argue that it's more a kind of... ugh, what's the word?
It's a kind of vicious cycle wherein everything (misspellings, simple noises, etc.) is unduly annoying and this feeds an ongoing inner monologue I seem to have acquired which makes it very clear that, regardless of what my time is spent doing, it is always wasted.
This makes some sense if I've been watching a movie when I could/should have been working. Yes, in all cases the movie was educational for me, but that won't cover the 70 bucks a month I owe until, like, May... sadly. It also gets nothing written, which hinders me even more because being unable to write is a strange and kind of sickly feeling - it's a bit like feeling a talent for a thing you often find so much joy in being slowly drained from you, as though some vast and uncaring part of the universe perceived it as venom welling in a wound and elected to remove it on a whim.
As a result, I remain in this little admittedly comfortable room, thinking in circles and becoming increasingly annoyed by my complete inability to function like a 'normal' person. Yes, I know, I should be focused far more on working within my limits rather than breaking my hands on the walls attempting to get through them (because, spoiler: that never works), but what happens when your supposed 'recovery' hits a stretch where you're perpetually 'out of spoons'? It's difficult to do anything when all you feel capable of focusing on at the moment is thinking, sleep, and possibly eating enough to avoid death.
In the long run, it may be better to roll with these moments and just know that they'll pass (and probably quicker if you'd stop stressing) but some part of my brain always starts jumping up and down with 'That's not good enough and you're an utter joke of a human being.' And that wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for that other part that always stands up and says 'I agree.'
Basically, it's all a rich tapestry of self-imposed guilt, an easily angered and overwhelmed self, complex issues of gender/sexuality/creativity and my relationship not only to the works of others but to others themselves that just can't be answered quickly, a complicated relationship with my place in the world both as part of the GSM and as an artist, and probably some manner of internalized ablism. I feel it's safe to say that all of this is currently contributing to the surprising lack of both focus and give-a-damn.
That's basically what's been on my mind lately. And that's why I didn't sleep last night.
I'm still not sure what to do about that.
12.1.15
Thoughts About Things
Here's a thing.
This thing is a chart. A chart which I fit about 95% of.
I'm unsure how to feel about this aside from vaguely relieved that all my strangeness does in fact have a reason.
Here's what the chart says, for those of you who don't want to/can't open it. I realize this is probably way outdated since it's for Asperger's which I believe was consolidated into the more general ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) as of the DSM V but still, I put the things which sound like me in italics.
Appearance/Personal Habits
Emotional/Physical
Social/Relationships
So, as you can see by all the italics, if this is still any indication of what's looked for when diagnosing someone who is DFAB with some kind of ASD, well... yeah.
I was trying to think if I had any other self-taught skills but I guess typing, painting, some graphic design-esque things (like making book covers) could count toward that.
Also, as something that's only loosely tied to this, here's a partial list of characters I headcanon as Autistic:
- Barnaby Brooks Jr. (Tiger and Bunny)
It's a lot of small things with him, really. Like this from the team: "Barnaby's current ability to fake friendly looks and behaviour is the result of much work — as a teenager he was practically expressionless".
His habit of picking pickles off of things could just be a general dislike of them or it could also be the result of sensory issues. (Sometimes they squeak off of my teeth when I do eat them and that makes me kind of... crawly.)
There's also the apparent lack of social skills when he's not doing something that he might have a mental script for (like in an interview), and the fixation on opera, which could be seen as a special interest depending on your reading.
The general reading of things like his fainting in episode 19 is a comorbid anxiety disorder/panic disorder along with PTSD, which was shown fairly clearly in previous episodes, with the most obvious symptom being nightmares and flashbacks. I have absolutely no issue with this reading at all - I think it's likely accurate, but it's interesting to me to look at the same scene with the idea that it also could have been a meltdown.
Meltdowns present a little differently in everyone but they can often look like a severe panic episode - crying, shaking, shortness of breath, racing heartbeat, general weakness/inability to force movement, etc.
(I also headcanon him as asexual, but that's a separate thing.)
A couple others on this list are:
- Randy Ryo MacLean (FAKE)
- Joseph Oda (The Evil Within)
- Touko Fukawa (Dangan Ronpa)
Speaking of Touko, I kinda want to buy this. I'd still need her glasses and school uniform, though. Still, it's cheaper than a Barnaby Brooks Jr. cosplay.
That was kind of rambling but yeah, that's about there things are right now.
I had a mild meltdown just a little while earlier and... yeah, that was not fun. I pulled through it though. That's something to be glad about. I haven't actually been able to do that in a while. It's kinda awkward all around though since I'm in that stage where I'm feeling better but I A) don't want to move too fast in case I scare the 'okay-ness' off and B) don't feel like it 'should' by over yet so I'm not sure how to act.
I think I'll go get something to eat (since my stomach is actually growling... pretty loudly) and then maybe go curl up and watch something on Netflix.
Yeah. That seems like a decent plan.
This thing is a chart. A chart which I fit about 95% of.
I'm unsure how to feel about this aside from vaguely relieved that all my strangeness does in fact have a reason.
Here's what the chart says, for those of you who don't want to/can't open it. I realize this is probably way outdated since it's for Asperger's which I believe was consolidated into the more general ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) as of the DSM V but still, I put the things which sound like me in italics.
Appearance/Personal Habits
- Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality.
- Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. Hairstyles usually have to be 'wash and wear'. Can be quite happy not grooming at all at times.
- Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.
- Is youthful for her age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.
- Usually a little more expressive in face and gesture than her male counterpart.
- May have many androgynous traits despite an outwardly feminine appearance. Thinks of herself as half-male/half-female (well-balanced anima/animus)
- May not have a strong sense of identity. Can be very chameleon-like, especially before diagnosis.
- Enjoys reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's. Can have favorites which are a refuge.
- Uses control as a stress management technique, rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict her seeming unconventionality.
- Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environments.
Intellectual/giftedness/education/vocation
- May have been diagnosed as autistic or Asperger's when young, or may have been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits.
- Often musical, artistic
- May have a savant skill or strong talent/s
- May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate toward writing, languages, culture studies, psychology.
- May be a self-taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will possess a wide variety of other self-taught skills as well.
- May be highly educated but will have had to struggle with the social aspects of college. May have one or many partial degrees.
- Can be very passionate about a course of study or job, and then change direction or go completely cold on it very quickly.
- Will often have trouble holding a job and may find employment daunting.
- Highly intelligent but can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.
- Will not do well with verbal instructions - needs to write down or draw diagram.
- Will have obsessions but they are not as unusual as her male counterpart (less likely to be a 'train-spotter').
Emotional/Physical
- Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive
- Anxiety and fear are predominate emotions
- More open to talking about feelings and emotional issues than males with AS
- Strong sensory issues - sounds, sights, smells, touch - and prone to overload. (Less likely to have taste/food texture issues than males)
- Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive (common comorbid of autism/AS) while the AS diagnosis was missed.
- Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms. Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body so may have had adverse reactions.
- 9 out of 10 have mild to severe Gastro-intestinal difficulties - e.g. ulcers, acid reflux, IBS, etc.
- Stims to sooth when sad or agitated: rocking, face-rubbing, humming, finger flicking, leg bouncing, finger or foot tapping.
- Similarly physical when happy: hand flapping, clapping, singing, jumping, running around, dancing, bouncing.
- Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.
- Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood - this can incite anger and rage.
- Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, esp. after a meltdown. Less likely to stutter than male counterparts, but may have a raspy voice, monotone at times, when stressed or sad.
Social/Relationships
- Words and actions are often misunderstood by others.
- Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.
- Is very outspoken at times, may get fired up when talking about passions/obsessive interests.
- Can be very shy or mute.
- Like her male counterpart, will shut down in social situations once overloaded but is generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a 'performance'.
- Doesn't go out much. Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them.
- Will not have many girlfriends and will not do 'girly' things like shopping with them or have get-togethers to 'hang out'.
- Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once adulthood is reached. (This is actually backwards for me.)
- May or may not want to have a relationship. If she is in a relationship, she probably takes it very seriously but she may choose to remain celibate or alone.
- Due to sensory issues, will either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it.
- If she likes a male, she can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know, e.g. she may stare when she sees him, or call him repeatedly. This is because she fixates and doesn't understand societal gender roles. This will change with maturity. (I have some issues with the way this one is handled/phrased but I can't quite articulate why...)
- Often prefers the company of animals but not always due to sensory issues.
I was trying to think if I had any other self-taught skills but I guess typing, painting, some graphic design-esque things (like making book covers) could count toward that.
Also, as something that's only loosely tied to this, here's a partial list of characters I headcanon as Autistic:
- Barnaby Brooks Jr. (Tiger and Bunny)
It's a lot of small things with him, really. Like this from the team: "Barnaby's current ability to fake friendly looks and behaviour is the result of much work — as a teenager he was practically expressionless".
Essentially, how he is now is the result of what basically amounts to a lot of scripting.
His habit of picking pickles off of things could just be a general dislike of them or it could also be the result of sensory issues. (Sometimes they squeak off of my teeth when I do eat them and that makes me kind of... crawly.)
There's also the apparent lack of social skills when he's not doing something that he might have a mental script for (like in an interview), and the fixation on opera, which could be seen as a special interest depending on your reading.
The general reading of things like his fainting in episode 19 is a comorbid anxiety disorder/panic disorder along with PTSD, which was shown fairly clearly in previous episodes, with the most obvious symptom being nightmares and flashbacks. I have absolutely no issue with this reading at all - I think it's likely accurate, but it's interesting to me to look at the same scene with the idea that it also could have been a meltdown.
Meltdowns present a little differently in everyone but they can often look like a severe panic episode - crying, shaking, shortness of breath, racing heartbeat, general weakness/inability to force movement, etc.
(I also headcanon him as asexual, but that's a separate thing.)
A couple others on this list are:
- Randy Ryo MacLean (FAKE)
- Joseph Oda (The Evil Within)
- Touko Fukawa (Dangan Ronpa)
Speaking of Touko, I kinda want to buy this. I'd still need her glasses and school uniform, though. Still, it's cheaper than a Barnaby Brooks Jr. cosplay.
That was kind of rambling but yeah, that's about there things are right now.
I had a mild meltdown just a little while earlier and... yeah, that was not fun. I pulled through it though. That's something to be glad about. I haven't actually been able to do that in a while. It's kinda awkward all around though since I'm in that stage where I'm feeling better but I A) don't want to move too fast in case I scare the 'okay-ness' off and B) don't feel like it 'should' by over yet so I'm not sure how to act.
I think I'll go get something to eat (since my stomach is actually growling... pretty loudly) and then maybe go curl up and watch something on Netflix.
Yeah. That seems like a decent plan.
8.1.15
Planning
Okay, so.
Here's the thing: I'm thinking about making 2015 a more... honest year.
By that I mean, what am I interested in?
The obvious answers are: Writing, art, films which make you think, books which also make you think, good food - preferably not out of a box or bag or out of a box/bag with under five ingredients listed on it and/or where I know at least 99% of the things in it, video games, travel, and music.
The less obvious answers are: Equality, feminism, legitimate social justice, free speech (and the responsibilities thereof), MOGAI rights, and in general all manner of things which necessitate the need of a sign which simply reads 'Sorry for the inconvenience. We're trying to change the world.'
Smaller components of this whole long list of mine are:
Sign up for Figment
Because it's always nice to be around writers, and it might be kind of cool to serialize a story or two there. I think a lot of what's tripping me up is the fact that there's the expectation that when people are artists, they must see themselves in a certain way or their voices are less valid.
I'm slowly realizing that this is not the case.
Whether you see yourself as some grand gatekeeper, some wild and wrathful thing channeling raw energy into something contained and beautiful in its quiet ferocity, or simply as someone who's doing the best they can with the talent they possess and if someone connects with that, well that's a wonderful thing, the fact remains that you are an artist. No amount of internal or external force will change that simple fact.
And that's a freeing thing to realize because it allows you to act like you yourself would act, rather than wasting time being concerned with how the world will see you. Not that this gives you free rein to saw whatever you want with no consequence, far from it, but it does give you a much higher chance of being able to stand behind whatever stance you take on the important issues of the time.
That digressed a bit, but the point remains the same: Artists matter. Artist communities matter.
Art in General
Speaking of the art world, I recently found out about a contemporary Chinese artist by the name of Ai Weiwei - the man who filled a huge hall in London's Tate Modern with 100,000,000 tiny handmade, hand-painted porcelain sunflower seeds:
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and spearheaded the effort to record the names of the 5,212 children killed in the 2008 Sichuan earthquake, making a recording of the names (with a run time of 3 hours and 41 minutes) as well as straightening out 150 tons of steel rebar retrieved from the collapsed schools (which many blame for the deaths as the construction was shoddy and the buildings crushed those who were sheltering in them during the quake), and placing it together in the shape of a rolling landscape.
I've decided that I like him. Quite a bit.
It also means that I'm once again finding myself interested in art and artists and the fact that while art causes nothing to happen, it gives form to the wildest and most deeply felt human emotions whether they be love, hate, grief, or a simple contentment. That is why art matters - it causes nothing to happen but rather it is a way of happening - a single snapshot taken in a single second of a hectic day of a long week of a rough month of an impossible year.
Netflix and Independent Film
As is 'I have Netflix and will also be making an effort to watch more independent film'. Because we also have a Roku.
As a general rule, I like documentaries. I also like independent and foreign horror films. Netflix has a lot of these, as well as... well just about everything else.
This is a clear and present danger to my sleep schedule.
Travel
While there's precious little I can do right now aside from research and language acquisition, I can always plan.
A little while back, I had an idea: Travel with a companion. Before you begin, I want you to have an email account and YouTube account that you can both access. Save up and buy two good-quality cameras (like Go Pro), and two journals, one for each of you. Travel as light as you can but always have these things when possible. Make videos of places you go (that's what the YouTube channel's for). Write them down if you want, or save the journals for what I like to call the 'Traveler Who Waited ' stage.
This stage starts with you both going your separate ways. But not for that long, really. Say you were both in Paris when you decided it would be a good time to do this. You both agree to meet up at a cafe you both love in, say, three months. Then you both go somewhere else. Or possibly several somewheres else. And you film and vlog and write in your journal (you can also opt to keep an online blog you can both post to if you're more inclined to do that) and when you meet up again after those three months have passed, you swap stories and catch up and from then on, the cycle will just keep going on and on until it ends.
Alternately, you can set a rough time (say, a week in May) and then film snippets of the place/text the other person clues/place something at the stop you'll be that your companion will be sure to notice (e.g. a glitter jar on a fence post) and meet up that way.
I'm not sure why but I'm sort of in love with this idea. It's like a trip around the world with your best friend/partner/whatever but there's also some time spent alone in the heart of your favourite places and the occasional Sherlock Holmes-esque detective work, ending with that sense of 'we're time-travelers but we never meet in the right order' that, for me, always comes up when you're sitting in a cafe and going through your journals together.
Anyway.
All of this comes after an... interesting talk with Mom and... I don't know, I feel a little better, strangely enough. I think I'll take that and run with it for as long as I can, seeing as I have things I would dearly love to see done.
For right now though, I might just sleep.
Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now ^w^
Here's the thing: I'm thinking about making 2015 a more... honest year.
By that I mean, what am I interested in?
The obvious answers are: Writing, art, films which make you think, books which also make you think, good food - preferably not out of a box or bag or out of a box/bag with under five ingredients listed on it and/or where I know at least 99% of the things in it, video games, travel, and music.
The less obvious answers are: Equality, feminism, legitimate social justice, free speech (and the responsibilities thereof), MOGAI rights, and in general all manner of things which necessitate the need of a sign which simply reads 'Sorry for the inconvenience. We're trying to change the world.'
Smaller components of this whole long list of mine are:
Sign up for Figment
Because it's always nice to be around writers, and it might be kind of cool to serialize a story or two there. I think a lot of what's tripping me up is the fact that there's the expectation that when people are artists, they must see themselves in a certain way or their voices are less valid.
I'm slowly realizing that this is not the case.
Whether you see yourself as some grand gatekeeper, some wild and wrathful thing channeling raw energy into something contained and beautiful in its quiet ferocity, or simply as someone who's doing the best they can with the talent they possess and if someone connects with that, well that's a wonderful thing, the fact remains that you are an artist. No amount of internal or external force will change that simple fact.
And that's a freeing thing to realize because it allows you to act like you yourself would act, rather than wasting time being concerned with how the world will see you. Not that this gives you free rein to saw whatever you want with no consequence, far from it, but it does give you a much higher chance of being able to stand behind whatever stance you take on the important issues of the time.
That digressed a bit, but the point remains the same: Artists matter. Artist communities matter.
Art in General
Speaking of the art world, I recently found out about a contemporary Chinese artist by the name of Ai Weiwei - the man who filled a huge hall in London's Tate Modern with 100,000,000 tiny handmade, hand-painted porcelain sunflower seeds:
and spearheaded the effort to record the names of the 5,212 children killed in the 2008 Sichuan earthquake, making a recording of the names (with a run time of 3 hours and 41 minutes) as well as straightening out 150 tons of steel rebar retrieved from the collapsed schools (which many blame for the deaths as the construction was shoddy and the buildings crushed those who were sheltering in them during the quake), and placing it together in the shape of a rolling landscape.
I've decided that I like him. Quite a bit.
It also means that I'm once again finding myself interested in art and artists and the fact that while art causes nothing to happen, it gives form to the wildest and most deeply felt human emotions whether they be love, hate, grief, or a simple contentment. That is why art matters - it causes nothing to happen but rather it is a way of happening - a single snapshot taken in a single second of a hectic day of a long week of a rough month of an impossible year.
Netflix and Independent Film
As is 'I have Netflix and will also be making an effort to watch more independent film'. Because we also have a Roku.
As a general rule, I like documentaries. I also like independent and foreign horror films. Netflix has a lot of these, as well as... well just about everything else.
This is a clear and present danger to my sleep schedule.
Travel
While there's precious little I can do right now aside from research and language acquisition, I can always plan.
A little while back, I had an idea: Travel with a companion. Before you begin, I want you to have an email account and YouTube account that you can both access. Save up and buy two good-quality cameras (like Go Pro), and two journals, one for each of you. Travel as light as you can but always have these things when possible. Make videos of places you go (that's what the YouTube channel's for). Write them down if you want, or save the journals for what I like to call the 'Traveler Who Waited ' stage.
This stage starts with you both going your separate ways. But not for that long, really. Say you were both in Paris when you decided it would be a good time to do this. You both agree to meet up at a cafe you both love in, say, three months. Then you both go somewhere else. Or possibly several somewheres else. And you film and vlog and write in your journal (you can also opt to keep an online blog you can both post to if you're more inclined to do that) and when you meet up again after those three months have passed, you swap stories and catch up and from then on, the cycle will just keep going on and on until it ends.
Alternately, you can set a rough time (say, a week in May) and then film snippets of the place/text the other person clues/place something at the stop you'll be that your companion will be sure to notice (e.g. a glitter jar on a fence post) and meet up that way.
I'm not sure why but I'm sort of in love with this idea. It's like a trip around the world with your best friend/partner/whatever but there's also some time spent alone in the heart of your favourite places and the occasional Sherlock Holmes-esque detective work, ending with that sense of 'we're time-travelers but we never meet in the right order' that, for me, always comes up when you're sitting in a cafe and going through your journals together.
Anyway.
All of this comes after an... interesting talk with Mom and... I don't know, I feel a little better, strangely enough. I think I'll take that and run with it for as long as I can, seeing as I have things I would dearly love to see done.
For right now though, I might just sleep.
Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now ^w^
4.1.15
So, this happened:
Yes, I realize that these are just online tests and have no real medical merit in that sense.
Normally, I wouldn't take much from these tests but given that the site I found them linked on (run by a person with autism) didn't laugh them out of the room and some form of ASD is something I've been suspecting in myself for some time now, I figure this at least paints an interesting picture.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 134 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 70 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie).
What really gets me here is the spiderweb graph that comes along with those scores. Yes the numbers have a pretty hard split but it's also somewhat difficult to argue much with a strong visual representation of the split. I'm almost entirely on the right side of the graph, save for some social abilities (which I utterly lacked when I was younger).
You'll have to click on this one if you want to read it but the top line (highlighted in yellow) are my scores:
Total: 146.0
Language: 6.0
Social Relatedness: 84.0
Sensory/Motor: 31.0
Circumscribed Interests: 25.0
This one was interesting because it gives you the answer choices 'Never True', 'True only when I was younger than 16', 'True now', or 'True when I was younger and true now'. While it might be a little off because I wasn't a very self-aware kid (which is probably odd in and of itself, to be fair), I think that was a good way to handle this.
From what I've read, this one was originally set up to catch 'sub-threshold autism' or to screen adults who showed signs of being on the spectrum when they were younger but those faded as they grew. This is especially interesting to me as I'd wondered about being 'sub-threshold' myself not twenty minutes before stumbling across this one. There's also the fact that we do change as we grow and it's possible that behaviors which might have strongly indicated ASD in children would have softened as the child grew.
Now, compare my scores to the average scores of neurotypical females (I wasn't given a gender-neutral option and am faab (female assigned at birth)):
Total: 82.2
Language: 5.7
Social Relatedness: 41.1
Sensory/Motor: 20.2
Circumscribed Interests: 15.0
That's, again, quite a gap.
So, yeah.
That's where that is.
I'm actually kind of glad to know that this is potentially something I could be diagnosed with. I mean when I was just thinking I was weird, it was very rough on me when I couldn't just stop being weird long enough to do things that would really help me either then or later on. If I'm just being 'weird' then I should be able to knock that off for a while when I want to, right?
Right. So the next obvious thought is that I'm not just 'weird' but that there's some other reason for my behavior other than just being quirky. Nothing wrong with being quirky, of course, but it's nice to have something concrete.
For right now, though, I think the trick is to figure out how to work around my various issues rather than just trying to force myself to act in a way this is so far off of natural to me that it's actually stressful in and of itself.
Or something.
I'll get things sorted out, is what I mean. For the immediate future though, I think I'll curl up, write about vampires and plan a story involving catboys at a Victorian music school with a friend of mine from England. Awesome.
Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.
Normally, I wouldn't take much from these tests but given that the site I found them linked on (run by a person with autism) didn't laugh them out of the room and some form of ASD is something I've been suspecting in myself for some time now, I figure this at least paints an interesting picture.
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 134 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 70 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie).
What really gets me here is the spiderweb graph that comes along with those scores. Yes the numbers have a pretty hard split but it's also somewhat difficult to argue much with a strong visual representation of the split. I'm almost entirely on the right side of the graph, save for some social abilities (which I utterly lacked when I was younger).
You'll have to click on this one if you want to read it but the top line (highlighted in yellow) are my scores:
Total: 146.0
Language: 6.0
Social Relatedness: 84.0
Sensory/Motor: 31.0
Circumscribed Interests: 25.0
This one was interesting because it gives you the answer choices 'Never True', 'True only when I was younger than 16', 'True now', or 'True when I was younger and true now'. While it might be a little off because I wasn't a very self-aware kid (which is probably odd in and of itself, to be fair), I think that was a good way to handle this.
From what I've read, this one was originally set up to catch 'sub-threshold autism' or to screen adults who showed signs of being on the spectrum when they were younger but those faded as they grew. This is especially interesting to me as I'd wondered about being 'sub-threshold' myself not twenty minutes before stumbling across this one. There's also the fact that we do change as we grow and it's possible that behaviors which might have strongly indicated ASD in children would have softened as the child grew.
Now, compare my scores to the average scores of neurotypical females (I wasn't given a gender-neutral option and am faab (female assigned at birth)):
Total: 82.2
Language: 5.7
Social Relatedness: 41.1
Sensory/Motor: 20.2
Circumscribed Interests: 15.0
That's, again, quite a gap.
So, yeah.
That's where that is.
I'm actually kind of glad to know that this is potentially something I could be diagnosed with. I mean when I was just thinking I was weird, it was very rough on me when I couldn't just stop being weird long enough to do things that would really help me either then or later on. If I'm just being 'weird' then I should be able to knock that off for a while when I want to, right?
Right. So the next obvious thought is that I'm not just 'weird' but that there's some other reason for my behavior other than just being quirky. Nothing wrong with being quirky, of course, but it's nice to have something concrete.
For right now, though, I think the trick is to figure out how to work around my various issues rather than just trying to force myself to act in a way this is so far off of natural to me that it's actually stressful in and of itself.
Or something.
I'll get things sorted out, is what I mean. For the immediate future though, I think I'll curl up, write about vampires and plan a story involving catboys at a Victorian music school with a friend of mine from England. Awesome.
Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.
29.12.14
2014: The Most WTF Year I Have Ever Been Through
So here's the breakdown and the list of stuff that I want to work on:
2014:
I'm awake and kicking around ideas for stories and stuff. I might work on putting together a spreadsheet for all my titles and stuff. I like spreadsheets.
But yeah. It's easier than I'm making it. Like so many things in life.
It'll (probably) be after the first before I post again due to general craziness so I'll see you all next year~
2014:
- I have no idea what to say about this year.
- But no one died or got sick
- And I figured out a lot about myself
- And I got to go to a convention and meet my girlfriend in person
- So that was good.
- Also, a gay couple from Texas had Doctor Who-themed engagement photos and a Doctor Who themed wedding/honeymoon. This is all kinds of awesome and I'm super glad that these people exist.
2015:
- MAKE A WORKING DUEL DISK (No seriously, all the technology is there, it's just a matter of putting it all together. Not that that would be stupidly easy or anything but I think it would be a really cool project.)
- Work on my focus (which in this list also has the meaning of 'Get really good at Duel Monsters/Magic: The Gathering/Chess).
- Finish at least two non-fanfic things that I can publish.
- Stop second-guessing everything I do.
- Try to sleep better.
- Try to relax more.
- Pray a little more and pay more attention to life.
- Read more.
- Get my weight to a level I like.
- Stop feeling guilty and/or stupid for things I actually enjoy/think are interesting.
- Stop tearing myself down over every-damn-thing.
- Get a schedule going in terms of general work (nothing too restrictive but nothing that means I'll just forget for weeks on end).
- Sort out my meds and junk. (There's one that they want me to try after the first of the year in place of my anxiety and anti-dissociative ones. I'd just be keeping my anti-depressant and my focus med, which they're looking to use as a supplementary thing along with me learning/playing games, since that's supposed to help a lot with focus and attention.)
- Languages. I kinda want to start learning languages.
- Also piano.
- Heck, maybe I'll go join the SCP Foundation. Because why the hell not?
I'm awake and kicking around ideas for stories and stuff. I might work on putting together a spreadsheet for all my titles and stuff. I like spreadsheets.
But yeah. It's easier than I'm making it. Like so many things in life.
It'll (probably) be after the first before I post again due to general craziness so I'll see you all next year~
26.12.14
The 'Why' Isn't Important
It's not. It might be interesting, but it's not important.
And that's one of the strangest and most useful lessons I think you can ever learn.
The 'why' is not important. What is important is that you ask the right questions.
Does this make me happy?
Is this directly harming someone else?
That's it, really. You can break things down in at least a hundred other ways but what it all comes down to is those two questions.
-------------------------------------
That's really the only merit in this whole thing, so please, feel free to ignore all of this rambling.
First: I have a book to write by the end of the year.
I do. It's nothing of mine in that the idea wasn't mine originally but I'm the ghost writer for it so in a way it's mine.
I'm on chapter 13 out of 21. 21 minus the 12 I've already written equals 9 and there are currently 6 days left in the year (technically). 9 chapters divided over 6 days equals 1.5 chapters a day.
Okay.
Second: It would be so much better for me to start paying more attention to my own life.
I have this issue where I don't feel much. I'm not sure exactly what to call it but it's like I react to things in the moment (depending on what they are - sometimes I don't really react at all because I don't feel a connection to what's going on, sort of like I'm just dreaming) but it fades out pretty quickly. About ten minutes later and I'm back to my baseline.
This is not a good thing.
It keeps me from noticing things, it keeps me from getting things done, it puts a strain on my relationship with my family, and to be fair I think the only reason it's not causing me problems with my girlfriend is because we're long-distance and not around each other much at the moment. Traveling with someone who's that locked down emotionally (often without even realizing it) wouldn't be easy on anyone. And I'd kind of like to stop putting people through things, especially things I don't seem to have a lot of control over.
This requires thought. Self-reflection. And all manner of inward-looking things that I hate on principle for much the same reason that I hate mirrors.
But. It's all things that really do need to be done.
Now, I don't sit around and blame my mother for me being weird (because what would that solve?) but she recently brought up the point that I should probably start acknowledging that what she likes to call 'step-fathers on parade' and several times of 'hey let's go and do this cool thing oh but no I'm sorry we can't' likely didn't help this situation.
All a little beside the point right now but worth being aware of.
Don't you just hate it when you realize something that then you're like 'Oh... now I have to actually do something about this'?
Third: ..............................................................
.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
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Fourth: I really need a cure for insomnia (that doesn't involve drugs).
Acute insomnia (if you're talking about inability to fall asleep) and chronic insomnia (if you're talking about not resting when you do sleep).
Neither of these are fun things. In fact they're both kind of screwing with my ability to get anything done in a timely manner.
So yeah.
Fifth: Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/etc.
I know I'm late for Christmas but I'd still like to wish all of you a very happy holiday season in general. And if you don't celebrate anything this time of year... well, then I hope it's a great time of the year anyway~
Here's to moving forward and all that. I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with whatever it is you have to deal with and I'd like to take this time to remind you that you are, in fact, rad and awesome and that you've got this. Go get 'em you lil' cupcake~ or whatever.
And that's one of the strangest and most useful lessons I think you can ever learn.
The 'why' is not important. What is important is that you ask the right questions.
Does this make me happy?
Is this directly harming someone else?
That's it, really. You can break things down in at least a hundred other ways but what it all comes down to is those two questions.
-------------------------------------
That's really the only merit in this whole thing, so please, feel free to ignore all of this rambling.
First: I have a book to write by the end of the year.
I do. It's nothing of mine in that the idea wasn't mine originally but I'm the ghost writer for it so in a way it's mine.
I'm on chapter 13 out of 21. 21 minus the 12 I've already written equals 9 and there are currently 6 days left in the year (technically). 9 chapters divided over 6 days equals 1.5 chapters a day.
Okay.
Second: It would be so much better for me to start paying more attention to my own life.
I have this issue where I don't feel much. I'm not sure exactly what to call it but it's like I react to things in the moment (depending on what they are - sometimes I don't really react at all because I don't feel a connection to what's going on, sort of like I'm just dreaming) but it fades out pretty quickly. About ten minutes later and I'm back to my baseline.
This is not a good thing.
It keeps me from noticing things, it keeps me from getting things done, it puts a strain on my relationship with my family, and to be fair I think the only reason it's not causing me problems with my girlfriend is because we're long-distance and not around each other much at the moment. Traveling with someone who's that locked down emotionally (often without even realizing it) wouldn't be easy on anyone. And I'd kind of like to stop putting people through things, especially things I don't seem to have a lot of control over.
This requires thought. Self-reflection. And all manner of inward-looking things that I hate on principle for much the same reason that I hate mirrors.
But. It's all things that really do need to be done.
Now, I don't sit around and blame my mother for me being weird (because what would that solve?) but she recently brought up the point that I should probably start acknowledging that what she likes to call 'step-fathers on parade' and several times of 'hey let's go and do this cool thing oh but no I'm sorry we can't' likely didn't help this situation.
All a little beside the point right now but worth being aware of.
Don't you just hate it when you realize something that then you're like 'Oh... now I have to actually do something about this'?
Third: ..............................................................
.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................
................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Fourth: I really need a cure for insomnia (that doesn't involve drugs).
Acute insomnia (if you're talking about inability to fall asleep) and chronic insomnia (if you're talking about not resting when you do sleep).
Neither of these are fun things. In fact they're both kind of screwing with my ability to get anything done in a timely manner.
So yeah.
Fifth: Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/etc.
I know I'm late for Christmas but I'd still like to wish all of you a very happy holiday season in general. And if you don't celebrate anything this time of year... well, then I hope it's a great time of the year anyway~
Here's to moving forward and all that. I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with whatever it is you have to deal with and I'd like to take this time to remind you that you are, in fact, rad and awesome and that you've got this. Go get 'em you lil' cupcake~ or whatever.
7.12.14
*lies down loudly*
Why is it that I seem to require some kind of massive breakdown before I realize that I'm actually okay and can do more than I think I can? It's becoming very annoying.
I think a lot of my issue comes from the fact that you hear so many people say 'writing is so much harder than most people think it is'. While that's basically true, I've always found it fairly easy. Sure, getting the right words and the right feeling and all of that is difficult at times but by and large, it's no more so than getting the right words for anything else. The issue then becomes feeling like I'm not any good or doing something wrong when I don't have the problems that other writers seem to.
Yes, it's easier when you're inspired by something but even if not, it's all a matter of getting as close to the finished product as you can, even if that takes you much longer than you thought it would and you've scrapped fifty first pages already just because the tone wasn't right. The beginning writes the end, in a lot of ways.
I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here. I guess I'm just getting tired of a lot of things about my life recently. Realizing that I'm actually fairly depressed more often than I'd thought was a little disheartening and from there came the desire to reinvent a few things about myself - at least in terms of my 'professional' image. See, I'm slightly in love with the idea of being some vain and deadly creature - classy vampire detective, I guess you could say. And that aesthetic isn't so difficult to get, all in all. At the very least, it's fairly easy to maintain over the length of a few website updates.
I'm starting to think it's much easier, at least in the short term, to work piece by piece rather than trying to build an entire brand without any nails, so to speak. I'm not sure what the final image will be. It's almost a 'book for a puzzle piece' model this way. Something to be uncovered as you go.
But mostly, this is a post to let you all know I'm still alive. I'm still in my pajamas at one in the afternoon, I'm missing my girlfriend, and I'm thinking of making some extra money to get us each one of those Pandora charm bracelets for St. Valentines Day (we're thinking of traveling around once she's certified to teach English so it would be kind of cool to have a little, portable record of where we've been and junk) but I'm still alive.
For right now, I think I'm going to do my best not to stress about things. When I get too stressed about things, nothing gets done, whereas when I'm calm and somewhat happy about things, they tend to move along without a hitch, at least most of the time.
Wish me luck... and maybe some self-confidence and coffee?
I think a lot of my issue comes from the fact that you hear so many people say 'writing is so much harder than most people think it is'. While that's basically true, I've always found it fairly easy. Sure, getting the right words and the right feeling and all of that is difficult at times but by and large, it's no more so than getting the right words for anything else. The issue then becomes feeling like I'm not any good or doing something wrong when I don't have the problems that other writers seem to.
Yes, it's easier when you're inspired by something but even if not, it's all a matter of getting as close to the finished product as you can, even if that takes you much longer than you thought it would and you've scrapped fifty first pages already just because the tone wasn't right. The beginning writes the end, in a lot of ways.
I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here. I guess I'm just getting tired of a lot of things about my life recently. Realizing that I'm actually fairly depressed more often than I'd thought was a little disheartening and from there came the desire to reinvent a few things about myself - at least in terms of my 'professional' image. See, I'm slightly in love with the idea of being some vain and deadly creature - classy vampire detective, I guess you could say. And that aesthetic isn't so difficult to get, all in all. At the very least, it's fairly easy to maintain over the length of a few website updates.
I'm starting to think it's much easier, at least in the short term, to work piece by piece rather than trying to build an entire brand without any nails, so to speak. I'm not sure what the final image will be. It's almost a 'book for a puzzle piece' model this way. Something to be uncovered as you go.
But mostly, this is a post to let you all know I'm still alive. I'm still in my pajamas at one in the afternoon, I'm missing my girlfriend, and I'm thinking of making some extra money to get us each one of those Pandora charm bracelets for St. Valentines Day (we're thinking of traveling around once she's certified to teach English so it would be kind of cool to have a little, portable record of where we've been and junk) but I'm still alive.
For right now, I think I'm going to do my best not to stress about things. When I get too stressed about things, nothing gets done, whereas when I'm calm and somewhat happy about things, they tend to move along without a hitch, at least most of the time.
Wish me luck... and maybe some self-confidence and coffee?
25.11.14
On Self Sabotage
Or 'The Actual Reason Why I Can't Seem to Get Anything Done'
Essentially what it boils down to is this: I felt I had no effect on the world around me growing up. As a result, I feel I have no power over my world now which causes this cycle of 'I could do this' 'Why? It won't matter' 'Yeah, you're probably right. I'll fail. I'm terrible.' which then causes me to become depressed as I feel very... adrift and like I can't do anything. Like I'm not good enough to do anything.
But people have done much more with much, much less.
It's a matter of retooling your thinking. Feeling like I don't want to fail makes me not try in the first pace because then, yeah, I still failed but that was my decision - it wasn't just because I couldn't do it. There's also the matter of perfectionist tendencies which tend to make things needlessly difficult. 'I can't do this perfectly right now so I just won't at all' and stuff like that. Very hard to work around.
So here's the idea:
Money
- Nonfiction which pays me
- Fiction which will pay me later
Other Writing
- Fan stuff because it's fun
Languages
- Esperanto
- Swedish
- French
- German
- Japanese
Technically, this is not that difficult of a plan. Time-consuming, yes, but not difficult.
Slightly Difficult Life Stuff
- Should probably learn to cook
- Also bank stuff, especially if traveling
- Find a good way to keep track of dates and stuff so that nothing's late
There's also tricky things like taxes and junk and it's all things I can learn and once I've got it handled, that means I'm getting much closer to being able to handle my own life. And that's scary as hell but it also means that I can essentially do anything. And that is a wonderful feeling.
But, yeah, that's what most of the past couple days have been about. 'This is what we've been doing. We need to fix it.' Honestly, just knowing that this is an actual thing helps a lot. Sometimes just being able to put a name to something helps.
For right now, in the short term, I have NaNoWriMo to finish. I'm about 6k from the finish line right now so that shouldn't take me long at all. After that, I'm not sure what I'll actually do. I might kick around and write a few articles, just don't stress much. It's a pretty hectic time of the year in general so... yeah.
I woke up at like, two this morning so I'm a little *whistling noises and wiggly hand gestures* right now.
But I think my plans have become a little more concrete. And that's both terrifying and exhilarating.
So. I'm going to go and write a little. See if I can't get my head space right.
Bye for now, everyone. Bye for now.
Essentially what it boils down to is this: I felt I had no effect on the world around me growing up. As a result, I feel I have no power over my world now which causes this cycle of 'I could do this' 'Why? It won't matter' 'Yeah, you're probably right. I'll fail. I'm terrible.' which then causes me to become depressed as I feel very... adrift and like I can't do anything. Like I'm not good enough to do anything.
But people have done much more with much, much less.
It's a matter of retooling your thinking. Feeling like I don't want to fail makes me not try in the first pace because then, yeah, I still failed but that was my decision - it wasn't just because I couldn't do it. There's also the matter of perfectionist tendencies which tend to make things needlessly difficult. 'I can't do this perfectly right now so I just won't at all' and stuff like that. Very hard to work around.
So here's the idea:
Money
- Nonfiction which pays me
- Fiction which will pay me later
Other Writing
- Fan stuff because it's fun
Languages
- Esperanto
- Swedish
- French
- German
- Japanese
Technically, this is not that difficult of a plan. Time-consuming, yes, but not difficult.
Slightly Difficult Life Stuff
- Should probably learn to cook
- Also bank stuff, especially if traveling
- Find a good way to keep track of dates and stuff so that nothing's late
There's also tricky things like taxes and junk and it's all things I can learn and once I've got it handled, that means I'm getting much closer to being able to handle my own life. And that's scary as hell but it also means that I can essentially do anything. And that is a wonderful feeling.
But, yeah, that's what most of the past couple days have been about. 'This is what we've been doing. We need to fix it.' Honestly, just knowing that this is an actual thing helps a lot. Sometimes just being able to put a name to something helps.
For right now, in the short term, I have NaNoWriMo to finish. I'm about 6k from the finish line right now so that shouldn't take me long at all. After that, I'm not sure what I'll actually do. I might kick around and write a few articles, just don't stress much. It's a pretty hectic time of the year in general so... yeah.
I woke up at like, two this morning so I'm a little *whistling noises and wiggly hand gestures* right now.
But I think my plans have become a little more concrete. And that's both terrifying and exhilarating.
So. I'm going to go and write a little. See if I can't get my head space right.
Bye for now, everyone. Bye for now.
23.11.14
Too Many Tabs
My mind has far too many tabs open.
The result of this is that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I thought about yet another plan of mine (like using Figment to serialize stories before publishing them) but then I realized that I'd probably never get that one done either. So, of course, then I had to try and puzzle out what was holding me back so much.
The answer, as it turns out, is two-fold - at least from my current perspective:
Part One: Depression
As in, 'This is all I'll do, day in and day out, because the world isn't that interesting anyway. Maybe if I got up somewhere very high and then fell, things would look interesting but everything's boring from down here.'
I think this is why I don't care to do much and why my sleep schedule is so abysmal. If I'm asleep, I physically can't worry about things. But if I sleep at night, then I've got all day around people which tends to stress me and make me irritable. However. Sleeping all day like this leaves me unable to actually rest (well, that and a host of other things which I severely doubt I'm dealing with properly) when I do sleep, which means I'm tense and annoyed when I wake up, making it very difficult to get anything useful done.
So, that sort of mindset makes it very difficult to do... well, anything, if we're being brutally honest.
You basically have to start wanting to do things before you can start wanting to do things and that's just... awkward all over.
Part Two: Lack of Self-Confidence
This one's kind of self-explanatory, really. I feel like a lot of it comes from the depression, though. Most days I feel so wretched and uncreative that it amazes me that anything thinking human being would feel otherwise.
As a result, I feel like my ideas are too good for me or that I'm not qualified for the plans I come up with. I second-guess everything which means I'm wrong more often which makes me less likely to want to do anything because 'what's the point if I'm just going to scramble and fail?'
So that's what I've come up with so far.
There's probably a lot of issues that I've just stepped on over the years and those probably aren't helping in the slightest but I'm not sure I even still have the keys to those doors. Might have to wait until I can break the latch or something.
Honestly the only real upside to all of this is that NaNoWriMo has been giving me no trouble at all this year. That's a bit of a confidence boost, I guess.
The result of this is that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I thought about yet another plan of mine (like using Figment to serialize stories before publishing them) but then I realized that I'd probably never get that one done either. So, of course, then I had to try and puzzle out what was holding me back so much.
The answer, as it turns out, is two-fold - at least from my current perspective:
Part One: Depression
As in, 'This is all I'll do, day in and day out, because the world isn't that interesting anyway. Maybe if I got up somewhere very high and then fell, things would look interesting but everything's boring from down here.'
I think this is why I don't care to do much and why my sleep schedule is so abysmal. If I'm asleep, I physically can't worry about things. But if I sleep at night, then I've got all day around people which tends to stress me and make me irritable. However. Sleeping all day like this leaves me unable to actually rest (well, that and a host of other things which I severely doubt I'm dealing with properly) when I do sleep, which means I'm tense and annoyed when I wake up, making it very difficult to get anything useful done.
So, that sort of mindset makes it very difficult to do... well, anything, if we're being brutally honest.
You basically have to start wanting to do things before you can start wanting to do things and that's just... awkward all over.
Part Two: Lack of Self-Confidence
This one's kind of self-explanatory, really. I feel like a lot of it comes from the depression, though. Most days I feel so wretched and uncreative that it amazes me that anything thinking human being would feel otherwise.
As a result, I feel like my ideas are too good for me or that I'm not qualified for the plans I come up with. I second-guess everything which means I'm wrong more often which makes me less likely to want to do anything because 'what's the point if I'm just going to scramble and fail?'
So that's what I've come up with so far.
There's probably a lot of issues that I've just stepped on over the years and those probably aren't helping in the slightest but I'm not sure I even still have the keys to those doors. Might have to wait until I can break the latch or something.
Honestly the only real upside to all of this is that NaNoWriMo has been giving me no trouble at all this year. That's a bit of a confidence boost, I guess.
15.11.14
On Broken Sleep Schedules
A sleep schedule is a little like a clock. Rather, it's kind of like a pocket watch. And a little like a sheep.
It's like a pocket watch because you can only pay attention to the gradual passing of the day if you remember to wind it. Otherwise, you're just guessing at the time and constantly late for everything. If you have no sleep schedule, guess what? You're guessing at the time and being constantly late for everything unless you set enough alarms to wake up all of North America, living or dead.
It's like a sheep because... I like sheep.
But that wasn't my point.
My point was the fact that I have no sleep schedule and the lack of a sleep schedule is apparently a pretty big contributor to my general lack of focus and sluggish approach to... well, everything to be perfectly honest.
I feel... clouded. Like nothing's completely real. It's obnoxious, to say the least. But I've taken to writing down notes for things as I think of them rather than just leaving them alone in my head (because I feel like I lack time/talent/etc./whatever) and that seems to be helping slightly. The entire paracosm feels a bit more concrete that way, like I could walk the streets with my eyes open and not be distracted by my hands on the keyboard.
Speaking of, I've been seeing these little flickers out of the corner of my eye recently. Mom's been getting them too, which is slightly comforting, but it's still odd.
All that aside, it is now very late. I have this hibiscus drink from Jamaica (it's actually really good - tastes like honey) and my head is full of vampires.
Things could definitely be worse.
Oh, and I got a really nice message on the NaNo site today:
Sorry to bother! Your story just seems so interesting, I wanted to know how it was going. Do you intend on publishing it? Because I would definitely read it!
Also, I wanted to know if we could be writing buddies? You sound really nice!
Good day to you!
It's like a pocket watch because you can only pay attention to the gradual passing of the day if you remember to wind it. Otherwise, you're just guessing at the time and constantly late for everything. If you have no sleep schedule, guess what? You're guessing at the time and being constantly late for everything unless you set enough alarms to wake up all of North America, living or dead.
It's like a sheep because... I like sheep.
But that wasn't my point.
My point was the fact that I have no sleep schedule and the lack of a sleep schedule is apparently a pretty big contributor to my general lack of focus and sluggish approach to... well, everything to be perfectly honest.
I feel... clouded. Like nothing's completely real. It's obnoxious, to say the least. But I've taken to writing down notes for things as I think of them rather than just leaving them alone in my head (because I feel like I lack time/talent/etc./whatever) and that seems to be helping slightly. The entire paracosm feels a bit more concrete that way, like I could walk the streets with my eyes open and not be distracted by my hands on the keyboard.
Speaking of, I've been seeing these little flickers out of the corner of my eye recently. Mom's been getting them too, which is slightly comforting, but it's still odd.
All that aside, it is now very late. I have this hibiscus drink from Jamaica (it's actually really good - tastes like honey) and my head is full of vampires.
Things could definitely be worse.
Oh, and I got a really nice message on the NaNo site today:
Sorry to bother! Your story just seems so interesting, I wanted to know how it was going. Do you intend on publishing it? Because I would definitely read it!
Also, I wanted to know if we could be writing buddies? You sound really nice!
Good day to you!
This right here? This is amazing to me. First off because I'm working on a really weird story this year. And, not that you asked, here's the cover for it:
There's a reason the title is spaced like that but that's for me to know and you to (hopefully) find out once this thing is done. Right now, it's a little like trying to push a waterbed out of my brain. That is to say, not exactly fun. In fact, it can be pretty painful. BUT. I said on the forums (in an official 'Finish That Novel Club' thread, no less) that I would get this thing done. And I intend to stick by that. I have a terrible habit of using so many things 'for practice' because I get it in my head that nothing I do is 'good enough' to be published, either by myself or by anyone else.
Thing is, I see some of the absolute shit that gets thrown into the marketplace and I think 'Wow... I might not be so bad after all'. The issue with that is that then I have to actually convince myself that when a story is done, it's done. And when it's done, if you set out to write something that others would be allowed to read, it's time to allow them to read it.
That's where my issue actually is, I think. Letting go of a project. I know I'm 'good enough', objectively. I doubt I'm marketable enough for mainstream but some days even I'm not sure about that. I feel a little like that unnamed musician from Interview With The Vampire who wrote beautiful music which would 'never sell' because it was too dreary.
Lestat liked him. Of course, Lestat also loved Nicolas de Lenfent and we all know how that ended.
Anywho-diddly-doodle, the second reason that message is so amazing to me is just because it's never happened before. They took time out of their day and their own life and their writing to send me that message. Someone I've never even met, never even heard of. Not even sure I've seen them around the forums before.
So that's really cool.
But, yeah, that's where that is. I should be sleeping, I've got vampires on the brain, and... it's a weird night.
There's a reason the title is spaced like that but that's for me to know and you to (hopefully) find out once this thing is done. Right now, it's a little like trying to push a waterbed out of my brain. That is to say, not exactly fun. In fact, it can be pretty painful. BUT. I said on the forums (in an official 'Finish That Novel Club' thread, no less) that I would get this thing done. And I intend to stick by that. I have a terrible habit of using so many things 'for practice' because I get it in my head that nothing I do is 'good enough' to be published, either by myself or by anyone else.
Thing is, I see some of the absolute shit that gets thrown into the marketplace and I think 'Wow... I might not be so bad after all'. The issue with that is that then I have to actually convince myself that when a story is done, it's done. And when it's done, if you set out to write something that others would be allowed to read, it's time to allow them to read it.
That's where my issue actually is, I think. Letting go of a project. I know I'm 'good enough', objectively. I doubt I'm marketable enough for mainstream but some days even I'm not sure about that. I feel a little like that unnamed musician from Interview With The Vampire who wrote beautiful music which would 'never sell' because it was too dreary.
Lestat liked him. Of course, Lestat also loved Nicolas de Lenfent and we all know how that ended.
Anywho-diddly-doodle, the second reason that message is so amazing to me is just because it's never happened before. They took time out of their day and their own life and their writing to send me that message. Someone I've never even met, never even heard of. Not even sure I've seen them around the forums before.
So that's really cool.
But, yeah, that's where that is. I should be sleeping, I've got vampires on the brain, and... it's a weird night.
14.11.14
30k Celebration~ And Stuff
I hit 30k (out of 50k) for NaNoWriMo. This is a joyous occasion~ Or something.
Fact of the matter is that it's 12:34 right now (though, obviously it won't be by the time I publish this), and I... am slightly wired. No idea why, but it's there and I figure I might as well run with it.
I have a chapter to finish, a book to work on (and so many to read... like seriously I ought to post my 'to-read' list here just so you can all get a sense of scale. Might do that later. Anyway...).
The other night when I couldn't sleep I finally got around to reading 'PUSH' by Sapphire. Very good but very difficult novel. It's all told from the perspective of Precious Jones, who is about sixteen at the start and is illiterate to barely literate around that time. She already has two kids - one when she was twelve, a girl with Down Syndrome, and one at sixteen, a healthy boy. Her father is also their father, and her mother outright blames her for 'stealing her husband/stealing her man', usually driving the point home with a beating before telling to her get up and fix her something to eat.
Obviously, not meant as a light-hearted read. I read it straight through. It's rough. It's deeply uncomfortable. It's not pretty in the slightest. But it's honest.
And honest is always beautiful.
If absolutely nothing else, I need to learn to take that to heart.
Things are changing. Things have been changing for a while now but every now and then, I'm very aware of them. But I think it's a good change, at least.
And now, a small fact about your humble blogger:
Whenever anyone says 'Writer's block is just laziness/just an excuse', I tune out.
Honestly, I'm fairly distrustful of people who say that they never get writer's block (or anything similar depending on the type of artist they are). I probably shouldn't be but my initial response is distrust for the quality of and care put into their work.
Uppity? Probably. Like, 97% sure on that one.
But right now, that's kinda just how it is.
I think it's because I can never work like that. I need days spent letting my subconscious work on problems that I can't see a solution to at the moment. I need days to unwind and unplug and think and refocus. It's odd to me to think that some people just don't. Of course, to the average person, I'm very odd for a multitude of reasons, so I don't really have a decent platform here, now do I?
That's all kind of beside the point. Although in a way it isn't seeing as there was no point to begin with, which would theoretically make everything in this post both the point and not the point.
Or something.
I don't know.
It's late and I have stuff to do, that's about all I'm really clear on at the moment.
But hey, at least I can see the road to the end of my headlights.
Fact of the matter is that it's 12:34 right now (though, obviously it won't be by the time I publish this), and I... am slightly wired. No idea why, but it's there and I figure I might as well run with it.
I have a chapter to finish, a book to work on (and so many to read... like seriously I ought to post my 'to-read' list here just so you can all get a sense of scale. Might do that later. Anyway...).
The other night when I couldn't sleep I finally got around to reading 'PUSH' by Sapphire. Very good but very difficult novel. It's all told from the perspective of Precious Jones, who is about sixteen at the start and is illiterate to barely literate around that time. She already has two kids - one when she was twelve, a girl with Down Syndrome, and one at sixteen, a healthy boy. Her father is also their father, and her mother outright blames her for 'stealing her husband/stealing her man', usually driving the point home with a beating before telling to her get up and fix her something to eat.
Obviously, not meant as a light-hearted read. I read it straight through. It's rough. It's deeply uncomfortable. It's not pretty in the slightest. But it's honest.
And honest is always beautiful.
If absolutely nothing else, I need to learn to take that to heart.
Things are changing. Things have been changing for a while now but every now and then, I'm very aware of them. But I think it's a good change, at least.
And now, a small fact about your humble blogger:
Whenever anyone says 'Writer's block is just laziness/just an excuse', I tune out.
Honestly, I'm fairly distrustful of people who say that they never get writer's block (or anything similar depending on the type of artist they are). I probably shouldn't be but my initial response is distrust for the quality of and care put into their work.
Uppity? Probably. Like, 97% sure on that one.
But right now, that's kinda just how it is.
I think it's because I can never work like that. I need days spent letting my subconscious work on problems that I can't see a solution to at the moment. I need days to unwind and unplug and think and refocus. It's odd to me to think that some people just don't. Of course, to the average person, I'm very odd for a multitude of reasons, so I don't really have a decent platform here, now do I?
That's all kind of beside the point. Although in a way it isn't seeing as there was no point to begin with, which would theoretically make everything in this post both the point and not the point.
Or something.
I don't know.
It's late and I have stuff to do, that's about all I'm really clear on at the moment.
But hey, at least I can see the road to the end of my headlights.
9.11.14
'Day Nine' or 'How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love NaNoWriMo'
Really, things aren't so bad.
Well, financially, they're a little bad but that's only because I haven't been working. Everything else seems to be pretty decent.
See, messing up my sleep schedule hasn't helped me much, obviously. I was sort of hoping it would because then I'd be able to comfortably stay up all night and actually get things done. Sadly, this does not seem to be the case, as I have not gotten much done in the space of nine days.
Well, I've written over 20k but I have done exactly 0 in terms of paying work so... that's an issue. Good news is, I can easily pull down 5k in a day now and that means that I've gotten a lot faster than I was before, at least in terms of overall output. I'm glad about that. That'll help me later on.
Anything helps. Even half-finished things that you just throw in a trunk somewhere because you just can't make them work. Every page, you're better than you were a page ago.
That's how I'm trying to do things, anyway.
I've also been trying to keep a Little Red Writing Folder (TM... or whatever) that has all my completed projects and their word counts and junk so I can add things up. I'll probably put the total at the bottom of each page though, so I don't have to do unnecessary levels of math. Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.
Anyway, the story is actually hanging together a lot better than I thought it would. My serial killers really aren't bad guys - they're just big on medical and scientific progress. I guess. But they're a little patchwork family and I love them for it.
*knocks on anything even resembling wood*
I'm also going to try to be more observant with my life. I don't know how well this will work but it'd be nice, I'm pretty sure of that. I know I miss a lot of stuff.
I don't want to sleep but I always seem to give up around five in the morning. I really think that if I can stay up and wrench my sleep schedule back around, it'll really help my general productivity. I wonder if I watch a movie on YouTube or something, I could get past that initial 'I really want to sleep' thing. I always feel worse when I wake up.
I guess I could write until I'm starting to get tired and then take a shower and watch movies until the sun's up and I feel more awake. Maybe then I can focus on articles and junk since I'll feel a little more caught up (which is dumb because I'm way ahead of where I'm 'supposed' to be).
Yeah.
Maybe.
I have no idea if that will work or not but yeah... I might try that.
So... I'm going to go see if that works. Wish me luck? I'll probably check in again soon to ramble/complain about things.
Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.
Well, financially, they're a little bad but that's only because I haven't been working. Everything else seems to be pretty decent.
See, messing up my sleep schedule hasn't helped me much, obviously. I was sort of hoping it would because then I'd be able to comfortably stay up all night and actually get things done. Sadly, this does not seem to be the case, as I have not gotten much done in the space of nine days.
Well, I've written over 20k but I have done exactly 0 in terms of paying work so... that's an issue. Good news is, I can easily pull down 5k in a day now and that means that I've gotten a lot faster than I was before, at least in terms of overall output. I'm glad about that. That'll help me later on.
Anything helps. Even half-finished things that you just throw in a trunk somewhere because you just can't make them work. Every page, you're better than you were a page ago.
That's how I'm trying to do things, anyway.
I've also been trying to keep a Little Red Writing Folder (TM... or whatever) that has all my completed projects and their word counts and junk so I can add things up. I'll probably put the total at the bottom of each page though, so I don't have to do unnecessary levels of math. Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.
Anyway, the story is actually hanging together a lot better than I thought it would. My serial killers really aren't bad guys - they're just big on medical and scientific progress. I guess. But they're a little patchwork family and I love them for it.
*knocks on anything even resembling wood*
I'm also going to try to be more observant with my life. I don't know how well this will work but it'd be nice, I'm pretty sure of that. I know I miss a lot of stuff.
I don't want to sleep but I always seem to give up around five in the morning. I really think that if I can stay up and wrench my sleep schedule back around, it'll really help my general productivity. I wonder if I watch a movie on YouTube or something, I could get past that initial 'I really want to sleep' thing. I always feel worse when I wake up.
I guess I could write until I'm starting to get tired and then take a shower and watch movies until the sun's up and I feel more awake. Maybe then I can focus on articles and junk since I'll feel a little more caught up (which is dumb because I'm way ahead of where I'm 'supposed' to be).
Yeah.
Maybe.
I have no idea if that will work or not but yeah... I might try that.
So... I'm going to go see if that works. Wish me luck? I'll probably check in again soon to ramble/complain about things.
Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.
29.10.14
Pre-NaNo Freak Out
It's that time of year again~
Which means it's time for me to casually panic about a great many things that I suddenly don't feel like I have time for.
NaNoWriMo: You're gonna suffer... but you're gonna be happy about it.
So, here's how things stack up:
As you might already be aware, I have this stupid habit of planning to do things. These plans are usually very dumb and get scrapped quickly or else are very good and somehow don't work out because I still lack the follow-through needed to actually do them. I have no idea which camp, if either, this plan will fall into, I just know that I have made myself known in the overachiever's thread on the NaNo forums this year and I doubt there's a lot of going back from that.
So:
*deep breath*
For right now though, just today, I have some money to make, an email to answer, a chapter to write, and then maybe some videos to watch and an outline to fight with.
But first, I really need to eat something because my stomach actually hurts and I'm getting obnoxious cravings for stuff I don't need.
Also, I just got really excited because an order I did for a client was approved. Being an adult is dumb. (Well, actually that little assignment paid me almost 80 dollars, so that's not that stupid a thing to be excited about, I guess.)
Which means it's time for me to casually panic about a great many things that I suddenly don't feel like I have time for.
NaNoWriMo: You're gonna suffer... but you're gonna be happy about it.
So, here's how things stack up:
As you might already be aware, I have this stupid habit of planning to do things. These plans are usually very dumb and get scrapped quickly or else are very good and somehow don't work out because I still lack the follow-through needed to actually do them. I have no idea which camp, if either, this plan will fall into, I just know that I have made myself known in the overachiever's thread on the NaNo forums this year and I doubt there's a lot of going back from that.
So:
- Writing totem thing: My Sherlock fandom key ("I can open any door in my mind palace with this.")
- Minimum Word Count Goal: 50k
- Target Word Count Goal: 100k
- Dream Word Count Goal: 300k
That's what's on the little slip shoved in the front of the binder for you.
*deep breath*
For right now though, just today, I have some money to make, an email to answer, a chapter to write, and then maybe some videos to watch and an outline to fight with.
But first, I really need to eat something because my stomach actually hurts and I'm getting obnoxious cravings for stuff I don't need.
Also, I just got really excited because an order I did for a client was approved. Being an adult is dumb. (Well, actually that little assignment paid me almost 80 dollars, so that's not that stupid a thing to be excited about, I guess.)
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