I haven't been sleeping well.

I haven't. I'm awake until around two or three in the morning and when I do fall asleep, I'm tense. It's like I just don't relax. I can't focus at all so any little thing feels like an accomplishment. I mean, this:

This did not take me long at all but I was all happy when it was done. (It's just a mock up for a story I'm considering for Camp NaNoWriMo. It's not that big of a deal.)

*sigh*

Anyway.

It's been rough lately. It's after midnight on a school night and I'm still awake and I get the feeling that the next few days will be very, very long. We're moving so that's always stressful. I'm a little in love with the house though. It's really cosy. (I really like the one we're renting too; it just isn't ours, you know?)

I want to write. I do. I mean I really do. I'm just terrified. I realise that successful people do things afraid, but that doesn't mean that it's easy.

So. I've been up and crying for a while. Just anxiety. (It sucks but it's just anxiety.) I know I need to sleep, though. No more early mornings but I'll be on campus until three tomorrow and I don't want to feel so drug out in Psych. That class is long enough as it is. (It's two hours and I'm not overly fond of the instructor.)

I don't have that much longer until we get a break for the semester, though. I'm hoping I can stick to online classes over the summer. I just need a little time to regroup.

But, yeah. I'm planning to be at Camp NaNoWriMo in July so that should help to take my mind off of things. I hope so. I've been feeling awful lately and I have no explanation for it aside from all the stress of the past few weeks. I realise that, psychologically, that's a completely valid reason but it doesn't feel like it.

Here, have a beautiful song:

I've been listening to this for a while because it's giving me feelings. Mary Black's voice is just beautiful, really.

I need to be trying to sleep so I think I'll wrap this up pretty soon. I don't know how I'm feeling, I guess is what it comes down to. It's like I don't know who I am, really. And, yes, I do realise that I'm twenty and almost no one has it together at this age - that's not the point. The point is that it's stressing me out.

I think I'm afraid of things working out. I'm a little scared of sending something off and getting it picked up. In addition I'm afraid of things not working out because then I'm stuck and (I feel like) people think I'm stupid/untalented/useless/etc.

So I can't win. The only way forward is to pick a path and stick with it unless and until it becomes clear that that choice is not the best one for where you are in your life right now. But that's terrifying too.

I think I'll just have to be stressed and scared for a while. That's probably what a lot of my life is going to be. I'm weirdly, sort of okay with that, in a Thanatos-heavy way.

I'm sure I'll be fine. I always am. Things are just... weird right now, is all.

But, I hope you all have been doing well. I'll be back to ramble at you soon.

Characters

Sometimes you just have to shut up and listen.

I figured it out. Basically I was trying to make a character's song something uplifting when it was actually this:

So... yeah. that's a pretty big gap.

I need to learn to trust myself a little, I guess.

That's the lesson for today, really. Very simple lesson. Shut up and listen to your characters. They'll tell you what to do.

WriYe - Part Whatever: 'Purple Prose'

The Most Flowery of Language - Purple Prose
Okay, so what do you consider to be purple prose? What is it? Give us an example. Do you love it? Hate it? Find it tolerable in small doses? Or do you think all shades of violet wording should be destroyed?

I'm going to use an old family phrase and say that, to me, 'purple prose' is kind of like porn. You might not be able to explain it but you know it when you see it.

(I come from an interesting family.)

No examples. Can't stand it (generally) so no. There are very few instances where I'd say that it's a smart artistic choice. You have a little more leeway in historical novels than you do with just about anything else.

In small doses, it can add a lot to a world but it's so easy to over-do that I tend to recommend people stay away from it as much as possible.

(I don't have much to say on this one, apparently. Yeah. Try to stay away from purple. It's a bad colour on books.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In other news: Yesterday, my day was made several times over.

'My fifteen-year-old would kill for those. They look cute on you.' <- about my shoes

'You're awesome!'

One spoken, one written, both reasons to pull my head out of the metaphorical oven.

Short post - WriYe is getting back on track, my life is evening out a little (not great but better), there's House Drama(TM), and people are moving and there's a lot of stress from that too.

But. Things are moving. It... it's getting there and I'm really glad for that.

Sometimes College is Interesting

Conformity is the self-inflicted wound on our social psyche. - Adam Turpin

This is an amazing quote. I love it to death. It can be used for so many things and it's true in so many cases. We were talking about the ethical responsibilities of businesses in English.

Anyway.

I think I found... a guess a 'muse' for a certain character I was having fits with. So, you know, yay me!

He's sort of a mix of this psycho:

And this model (Stav Strashko):

And that makes for a very... interesting person. I mean, he's just distressingly... good at his job. And that's a bad thing for several people.

Like, here's the song that kind of cemented the character for me (ULTRAnumb - Blue Stahli):

So, yeah. Been in my head for days. And all of that was utterly pointless to most people who are not me.

In other news:

Change. A lot of it. Like, everything. Here's the list:

- hair (decided)

- nail polish/cologne/any make-up (basically decided)

- tumblr url (still thinking - I kind of want something that isn't hyphenated)

- blogger url (still thinking)

- clothes/shoes (decided)

And then there's the general stuff - being in better shape and crap like that.

I am starting a lot of sentences with 'and' in this one. Huh.

Tomorrow (well, today now) is Monday. I'm not sure how to feel about that. I mean, I'm doing better, but still... I think maybe evening classes would be better for me. I seem to feel better and more productive at night.

But, yeah. I'm doing better. Not great but better. Sometimes I forget that I'm twenty and I'm not exactly settled in where I'm going to be for the rest of my life. Things are going to change - sometimes apparently overnight.

So. I hope you all have been doing better than I have over the last few days, and I hope that keeps up. I'll keep you guys posed on things as they happen and as I feel up to it.

Bye for now~

I used to give a damn about things.

I don't honestly know what happened.

I haven't even been able to write in over a week. I don't sleep well - when I do manage to fall asleep, I have nightmares or I keep waking up. I try to get through assignments without actually doing most of the work because, hey, the education system is crap and the world's going to hell anyway so what's the point?

And here's the thing: I don't want to be like this. But I have no idea how to stop. Half the time I don't even realise I'm doing this until way later.

My nails are a wreck too, now. I was doing so well with that.

I have all these ideas but... why? That's the biggest hurdle right now. I just have to try to get over the fact that I don't care and work.

At least the really hasn't started showing in my grades. I'm not sure I could handle that. I've always been the smart kid, you know?

Anyway.

I'm just glad that for right now, late on a Friday/early on a Saturday, there is nothing that I actually have to do. There are things I can do (like take down my notes/watch the lecture for Psych, post to the discussion forums for English), but nothing that has to be done right this second. So. I think I'm going to go to sleep soon and just try not to stress so much.

I have Psych, a little bit to do for Maths, some English (discussion groups and an essay to revise (and another one to do) and one to read), but that's it. That really won't take that long and then, hopefully, I can write for a while. I haven't been writing much lately.

There wasn't a WriYe blog post for April but the one for May is up on the site so I'll try to get it posted over the weekend.

I think a lot of my problem is just that I've lost my passion. For everything. If I can get back into writing like I want to, throwing myself headlong into imagined worlds, I might be a lot better off in the long run. I have a novella that's in its last edit and that's making me nervous. I might have a link for you guys soon. *panics*

But not right yet. Now we sleep and try not to panic over pointless things. You just worry about you and stop trying to get everything done right now. You have time. You have a lot of time. Calm down. Watch your shows. Keep up. Do well. Don't stress so much.

. . .

I'll see you all soon.

Something like an Open Letter

Just for the record, unless I actually ask for help, I'm not looking for you to find a way to 'fix it'. Most of the time, I'm just looking to talk.

There is nothing wrong with me - at least not the way I see it. I'm alone. And that's fine. Alone protects me. The fact that I'm not so eager to be my own personal cheering squad is actually a good thing. I can't stand telling myself that I have value or anything like that. I know I do. But I don't need to hear it all the time.

So what do I do? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Yes, this is the time in most people's lives when they'd be out making friends and travelling. That's great. It might be a lot of fun. But I don't really care about it. I don't really care, deep down, about anything (excluding family, obviously). I can barely handle school because I'm either bored or I don't see the point. Going on would be the better option, even with that, sure. I don't want to quit since it feels like failure.

I can't seem to get anything done writing-wise because, again, what is the point? I'm never going to survive in the market so why put myself out there just to get my hand slapped?

I want to be an embalmer but that's going to necessitate a lot of pain (don't really care), a lot of money (care more about that), and a lot of time spent shaking from exhaustion at four in the morning, draining the blood out of one of the few people having a worse day than you.

That doesn't scare me for the sole reason that, say it with me, I don't actually care. Not like I should. Not deep down. I'm sure I could do the job. I'm sure I'd do well at it once I got past the initial learning curve. But not for the right reasons.

So the quiet, artistic life makes much more sense. But, I refer you to my previous comment about surviving in the market.

I have no faith in myself. More than that, I don't understand the whole 'believing in yourself' thing. I think I realised that when we had to write up a scholarship letter. Even my achievements up till now don't seem like much.

I guess that's at the heart of all of this. I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to grit and determination. I like to think I do but I don't. I don't think I ever did.

This is the kind of stuff that goes through my head a lot. This is why I'm stressed out even when nothing is going on. I'm just really tired and I don't know how I got here and I don't know how to get out.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. Really just... talking. Ignore me. I have homework to get back to. I left my maths practice test downstairs and I need it to look over. At least we can use calculators on the test tomorrow.

"Your Sanity is Dangerously Low"

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.✧.｡.:*･’✧diamonds*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡.✧.｡.:*･’✧

. . .

Yeah, I don't know either.

Okay. I have an essay to rework (even though I really just want it to be done and over with), and there are assignments due by the 14th that... yeah, I don't know what the purpose of them is. I think I just need to stop trying to find a practical application for anything in school anymore.

Maths is done, at least.

I have FYE too, though.

And suddenly, I want to change things. I mean, I switched the title of my tumblr (not the url, just the title), and cleaned out my 'following' list a little. Oh, and Twitter. Twitter changed. (Um, banner, @replies, and bio.)

---------------------------------------

It is now after 11. My homework is just now done. I am exhausted and wired and my ear is starting to itch because it's healing.

This whole week has been like this. My numbers for 'Belief in Self' have actually gone down. I just... I don't even know anymore.

I have music for a little while and Hyperbole and a Half has a post so that made things a little better.

Short post but I'm amazingly tired so that's all you're getting right now. I hope this week evens out and I hope you've all been having an easier time of it because I had a pretty interesting crying jag yesterday and that... that was not fun. I mean, any time you come home and seriously contemplate throwing out all of your food so you have no choice but to quietly starve to death, it's a pretty bad moment.

But, yeah. I'm all right, I'm just tired and stressed and I'm pretty sure that this is going to be a thing for a lot longer than I'd like it to be.

I hope the rest of the week and the weekend is good to you all.

I don't feel like I've had a break in a month.

I think that's a large part of why I feel so anxious (and sick and shaky and I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares and I haven't wanted to eat in about three days). I'm also having a lot of trouble focusing on homework and, weirdly enough, this really started after I watched a couple videos of people playing Polybius. Guess what I won't be doing again.

I've been staying up too late as a result of all of it. I've also been researching MK ULTRA - you know, the whole CIA thing? It's really very interesting. I'm not sure how much of the more modern theories I can get behind but they're still interesting.

I've dimmed my brightness on this computer screen way down and that's helping the headache a little. Not a lot, but a little.

I've started working on my site again. It's not much but it will showcase my writing and help get the company off the ground (hopefully). I'll have to replace the first six chapters of something with the edited versions but that doesn't take too long. I was hoping to have those edits done by Friday but I kind of doubt that's going to happen, so I'm just shooting for 'as soon as is reasonably possible'. That's about all you'll be getting from me for a little while, I'm afraid.

Um...

My scaffold is doing okay. The front... hole (giggity) on the outside is still a little hurty when I clean it but the rest of them don't bother me at all.

Oh, and today in Psych, we were talking about echoic memory (and the fact that what someone says is stored from 3 to 4 seconds in your brain's 'echo chamber' - that's why you can usually repeat it back to them right after they say it but if you wait too long, it disappears) and one of the examples we gave (they had us in groups) was a small child repeating everything his mother said. One day she gave him the 'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood' rhyme, and I was the only one who knew the rest of it (A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood). So that was pointless but it made me feel better.

I remember saying 'That's been in my head for years - I knew it would come in handy one day' and the girl in the group laughed (kinda loudly, too. ... She was kind of cute. Anyway...)

I have one essay for English that I haven't even read yet. That alone should tell you how bad this has been. The fact that I felt like that almost first-draft paper was the best I do - all I could handle right now - should be another red flag. I'm going to give that a little while and wait until I feel like I can work on it without feeling like I want to vomit.

So, yeah. I haven't been feeling well lately is... is, I guess the - the main bullet point of this little presentation.

But that seems to be... well, evening out a little. I have a headache but for right now, that's about all I can really, deeply complain about. Still, I'm seeing several days like this in my future. So that's fun.

Anyway... this was kind of rambling and the TL;DR version is: I'm feeling a little unstable and insane lately. I can't focus, I don't sleep well, I don't want to eat. I want to write but I feel so... off that I can barely do that. Things hurt. Things hurt and I'm tired a lot.

So. I think I'm going to post this and then be quiet for a while. Maybe try to get a few sentences down, listen to my music, and try to sleep.

I hope you're all doing well, and I'll see you later.

Sunday is Gloomy

My hours are slumber-less...
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless...

Anyway.

Why exactly am I asked to do assignments concerning basic sentence structure in an English 101 class?

Missing Cynthia

My name is Caroline Irvine.

My name is Caroline Irvine and I am an only child.

I lived with my mother before dad came back.

Have you heard about my sister?

She disappeared before I started school this year.

She tried to talk to the doctors but no one listened to her.

I miss her.

Why won't they let me see her?

and:

Rainwater

I love the rain.

I love the rain and I love the dark clouds.

I love the rain because it calms me down.

But have I ever loved the rain for what it is?

I love the rain because I love the sound and the feeling.

I love the rain but I never stop to consider the water.

I love the sound.

Have you ever loved the rain for the water?

There. Have some writing.

I mean, I don't hate them but I just... why? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a coherent idea down in eight lines? I can barely do it in 200 pages!

*sigh*

It's warm up here. Granted it isn't as bad as it might have been if I didn't have a fan. I have a fan on a stand and it's pretty and awesome. So... yeah.

I'm up and listening to to music, seeing what I can tag as 'Vexspo*' so I can feel like I'm being rebellious/ill just because I'm creative.

I have notes to do but I don't care enough to jump in with that just yet, it's too warm to sleep but not quite enough to be stifling or anything, and I really wish I could pin my hair up away from my piercing. I mean, it's not long enough to get tangled up or anything but... I don't know, I need to wash my hair, at least. I think I'll feel better after that.

*slow exhale*

I drank a bunch of coffee around eight. That was not smart. It's after midnight here and I am kind of wired. So. I think I'll be up and not doing much at all for a while. Might read, might try to write, idk.

I might just wind up listening to music and going back though this blog. I haven't just stopped and read it for a while.

Well, whatever I wind up doing, I do need to sleep sometime before sunrise. I only have one more week of getting up this early, though, so that's kind of nice.

I'll see you all later, then. I hope you have a good week.

(*It's a long story. Here's the short version: It's from a book I'm working on.)

Want to see my desktop?

It's so awesome! It's for a story but I thought the logo looked cool so I did this.

Anyway.

I have this now:

It's kind of awesome. This was done by a guy named Eddy. Eddy is very nice. The side of my head hurts a little now but the scaffold itself didn't actually hurt that badly. He had me lying down and he just told me to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I felt this pinch but that was about it. Apparently, it bled a bit and freaked my mum out a little. (And these do bleed, by the way. They're putting holes in you. It's not that bad, though. Like, maybe a two out of ten for pain.)

I have to clean it with Q-tips twice a day (four Q-tips each time, sprayed down with a piercing spray - two for the inside, two for the outside) and change out my pillowcases (or sleep on a towel) every night for about a week. These things take between 3 and 8 months to heal because they're through cartilage.

Also, I didn't post what I wore for Impossible Astronaut Day. Here:

You can't see the details too well but I really like that suit. It's pinstriped and it has a waistcoat (of style) and everything. And that tie - I found that tie. It's too long on me but I like the colour.

So.

I have a headache and we're talking about politics in school. That's really fun. (Please note: heavy sarcasm)

No, it's okay. I have a few people I agree with and at least one person that I kind of can't stand so that's about what I expected.

I'm going to take the weekend to relax and write and work on notes and extra credit and stuff like that. I'm kind of looking forward to not doing much for a few days. I have one chapter down on a book right now an I don't hate it so that's good.

I hope you're all doing well and I'll see you all soon.

Talking to Myself

I really think I need a better schedule. I know I've said that several times now but I do. Here's what I'm thinking:

- Get up around five in the morning. (I'm actually okay getting up that early. I have no idea why.) That's if my alarm goes off. It hasn't been lately. No idea why.
- Write/Edit for a little while. Maybe also use this time to catch up on shows
- Go to school
- Depending on the day, use your breaks to read/get work done
- Get home and get something to eat
- Go do homework until it's done
- Come back downstairs with computer and watch TV/work
- Go to bed a little earlier so you can write/edit/catch up on shows

So. Anything even approximating that would probably be helpful to me at this point. That means that tomorrow starts my Maths extra credit (because I do all the extra credit I can) and my collection of notes for Psych.

I just realised how much of a nerd I am.

I am okay with this.

I also kind of need a desk chair. I mean, the one I'm using is okay but it drops a little when I sit in it because I've had it for so long. Plus I'm short so reaching things is really fun sometimes.

Anyway. It's getting late here. I need to check that I have enough money for a piercing I want and then maybe write a little before I fall asleep. (Sidebar: I have had Blue Stahli's 'ULTRAnumb' stuck in my head for days. It reminds me so much of Randall Creed and Rabbit stop talking about your characters like other people know them. *headdesk* I'm thinking of getting an 8-tracks account so I can make playlists for all these books/characters/pairings. But I'm not sure if it would be a helpful thing or just a procrastination tool.)

Oh, well. Friday tomorrow. Maths but that's all so I can sleep in a little. Probably won't but can.

It's warm up here and my stomach hurts and I have a quiz tomorrow so... yeah. Music, write, sleep.

I'll see you all later.

Why I Hate Typing Tests

I do not test well. As a general rule, at least.

My typing speed on tests is about 40 words-for-minute. Still decent but I can feel how much slower I am on those tests. Part of it is that I'm only about maybe 40% touch-typist, so I'm have to stop and read and then type, which slows me down.

Anyway. That really wasn't enough to constitute a title, was it? Oh, well.

Several things:

1) I need a new book to read. I'm not sure if I should finish the one I got from feedbooks (e-book) or pick one from my shelf.

2) I have been writing. Not a lot but some. I like the idea and the actual manuscript format set-up I have now seems to be making me take it a little more seriously.

3) I keep trying to capitalise numbers. I need to remember that I am not Chuck Norris.

4) Sometimes I consider asking that a teacher use gender-neutral pronouns for me but then I remember that I hate calling attention to myself/having to explain on the spot.

5) I've been vegetarian for about three years. I'm not sure why I thought about that but I think it was because royalty in one of my worlds take formal vows (one of which is to never 'consume animal flesh') and I was trying to figure out what age they should be for that. I could actually say 'It's against my formal vows'.

Anyway...

I think it's time for a change. Like a big one.

I'm not sure where to start or where I even really want to end up right now but something needs to change. I'll... I don't know, move overseas and live the carefree bohemian life of an artist. Or not. I really have no idea right now.

I'll get it together but it's probably going to take a little longer than I really want it to.

Wish me luck and all that. I should probably spend the weekend taking notes and brushing up on things. Maths class is starting to get to that point where I need to actually start reading the textbook.