Thirty-Five Days Before

Killing time watching people be scared on YouTube. Very fun but not exactly productive.

To make myself feel better I've been working on fan-stories again. It's actually really freeing for some reason. I also like screwing around with free websites and stuff like that. Not sure why, just fun I guess.

I'm thinking of taking March and outlining the books I really want to get done. I hate outlining but I'm thinking it will probably help if I can do it right.

Of course this all assumes that I'll be able to focus long enough to get anything at all done.

I also noticed something: In fan stories, I actually tended to ramble less. Things seemed to move along better, from one small conflict to the next. Weird, right? But that's something I need to pay attention to. If I can get back into that non-rambling nature of my fan-stories, maybe I can carry it over into my original fiction. Hopefully.

Kind of an epiphany and kind of just using the entries to keep track of the days. OMG 0.o

Thirty-Seven Days Before

I seem to have been in a bit of a lull lately. I just don't want to do anything but read, listen to music and quietly fangirl things. I realise that I can't just do that forever (although that would kind of rock) but there's just no motivation right now. Even Twitter is getting neglected.

In other news, I've watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and I love it. I've been replaying 'Slipping' for quite a while now.

I managed to find something interesting at the second of two bookstores I wound up in a few days ago. I found a 1000-page book of the comedies of Shakespeare, the first Harry Potter book and one on the history of anorexia nervosa. I am an eclectic reader. Anyway...

I need to either set this song to repeat or try to get it out of my head. I should also probably eat something soon. I've been forgetting to do that lately...

Why is it that I can see scenes in my head and I can hear the cast commentary and even the interview with the wardrobe department and set designers but I can't track down the full movie? I know it sounds insane but it's like when you can find clips of a show on YouTube but you can't for the life of you track down the episodes anywhere.

Annoying, is what I mean.

So yeah, I have a plot running in my head and I'm going to go see if it's viable before it scurries away under the bed again. They seem to like it under there.

(This has been a pointless update. We thank you for your time.)

Muggle Quidditch

Yes. It's a thing. And I (after a few simple changes, maybe) really, really want to play.

Like, the only problem I have is really the broomsticks. It's Muggle Quidditch. If you're not flying, there's no point in them, right?

1) Leave the broomsticks out (though maybe keep the 'Brooms up!' call as a throwback to the original version)
2) give the Seekers those shrill, ear-bleedingly loud whistles that the refs use - you know, the ones that everyone stops when they hear them - so they can signal when the Snitch has been caught (this also means you can have a bigger field)
3) have the Seekers either function as fourth Chasers until halftime (when the Snitch should be released) or have them sit out.
4) The Snitch is still worth 150 points. Why did you guys change this?

Quidditch is about the only sport I give a darn about. And I find it sad that a Florida college has a team but the one in Washington State I want to go to doesn't. I might have to fix that if I can.

So yeah. This is as 'sporty' as I get. Enjoy it. It doesn't happen often.

I have confidence~

What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

A move across the country
What's so fearsome about that?

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to live with self-reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let life bring on all its problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be true and kind
And all those people (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me~!

So yeah. I try not to tweak lyrics and post whole songs on here but I think I just need to keep singing this for a while. I mean, those were simple changes and it just fits so well, I couldn't help it. When I'm feeling good, this is how I feel inside. And if I wasn't living with chronic bitch-face you might be able to tell that more often.

But I want to do something today. Don't know what. I haven't been to sleep and I'm concerned that I'm not tired yet, but that's neither here nor there. I'll probably just work for most of the day (as long as I'm awake). I meant to sleep. I really did. But then I didn't. Still not sure how that happened.

Just kinda wanted to spring that on you guys and have it here so I can go back to it... An with that out of the way, I'm going to go try to do something productive. Wish me luck~

On the Labyrinth and Creativity

Looking for Alaska brought up the idea of the Labyrinth of Suffering for me. I find this to be rather interesting and it made me think about a lot of things. Mainly why I seem to like the stars so much.

Here, have some late-night thoughts on complicated subjects:

You struggle to find a way through the Labyrinth and then someone comes along and asks, "Why don't you use your wings?"

We are all born into the Labyrinth of Suffering. What we use as our map, our compass, our guidebook to help us make sense of the world, varies from person to person but most of us use something - religion, our own moral code, what-have-you.

The Labyrinth is not something we can ever completely remove ourselves from. Nor - do I think - should we. It is home to the most damaged and the most beautiful of souls.


Suffering breeds the strongest of people and I know this on many levels. My creativity might not have existed had I not felt the need to escape - from myself, from the world and from everything after. I've fought on the fringes of several disorders and problems and each time I stop to think 'Why?'

Normally, once it was largely over, I'd have some deeply superficial answer for it but sometimes I could dig deeper. I could walk back into the Labyrinth.

And, strangely enough, the air was cool and sweet. I remained not because I was suffering but because I could see the sky. The Labyrinth can never trap you completely because it has no roof. You can always see the stars, arranged into far-reaching and majestic constellations by whatever creative force you believe exists in the world - be it God or the universe itself.

A glint in the darkness. A light at the end of the tunnel. Creativity is one of the greatest gifts - one that enables us to transcend barriers, to live a thousand lives within the limited numbers of our own. Infinity in a heartbeat. And it is a gift which allows us to fly.

Maybe, then, the only way out of the Labyrinth is up.

Once again...

I find myself wondering. It may just be because I just finished Looking for Alaska or it may be because that's just what my mind does at this time of night, but I'm thinking again.

I want to move. And when I move I want to be me wherever I am. Not 'me' like I am now, but really me. I want to be the brave, smart, impulsive, book-loving girl who wears lingerie just because she can and loves colouring books and candy and dances when she's happy and sings too loudly and plays instruments and sews and bakes and writes like her little heart - angel veins and all - will dry up if there isn't something fun or interesting enough to make it beat. I'm tired of my heart just pumping dust.

I would love to be like that. And I wonder if I could - if I'd be brave enough. I can't be sure but I hope so.

That's where my mind is today. And admittedly, that is where it's been for the past several days but hopefully there is a point to this continued train of thought.

I think this will be a short entry since all I really have to say coherently about the whole matter is that I think people come into their own and become themselves the way you fall asleep - slowly and then all at once.

Research and Rambling

Seriously.

I'm getting that weird kind of pressure on my chest and I just want to talk in circles about nothing that actually means anything. So, yeah, I'm pretty normal ^^;

I'm also researching hacking. Which makes me nervous. But anyway...

Any time I find myself writing anything similar to 'This really all goes back to my concept of the Ouroborean Rings – a representation of smaller infinities within a larger infinity, comprising the whole, interconnected but separate' I'm either really on track, or rambling horribly. In fact, it's probably a mixture of both.

I really don't know what I'm on about right now. Guess I'm kind of lonely and just wanting to talk at someone for a while.

I mean, lately I've been thinking in broader terms. By broader terms I mean that I've been trying to place my characters and stories in a broader social context. I realise that most writers have this moment where the process of consistently thinking about characters as they exist outside the pages has been started and everything is new and interesting because you're finally doing it right. Well, that seems to have happened to me. Awesome for me and for a potential future career but annoying for those around me, more than likely.

I don't know what I'm saying, really. I probably just need to read or write for a while and get my mind in a different place. My interest in languages is flaring up again. As is my interest in creepy/romantic things like saying 'I wonder what you taste like'.

[It's 1:24 right now. This entry is probably going to take me all night.]

Just spent almost half an hour listening to P!ATD. And I'm almost half-way through Looking for Alaska... I'm kind of loving it and sitting around seething in anger at the seeming ease with which John Green can write. And then that little part of my mind says 'I can do that' and then I try to. And I fancy I get just a bit closer.

So that's where I am.

Sitting around at 2 in the morning, thinking 'I think I just have too much filler between the interesting scenes' and considering how I should go about fixing that.

I'm also waiting for pre-order information and pricing on a book I kind of want very badly. The authors are people I found through tumblr and I just... yes, the story is rather sexual (as in there's kind of a lot in it) but it serves a psychological point in showing just how broken one of the main characters is (And it really is one of those stories that makes you contemplate all possible meanings of the phrase 'broken toy'.) and the plot and the emotions and the fact that I curled up and cried one night over one of the characters when I just thought about him for too long is pretty solid. So I'm hoping I can scrounge up the money/that it's not too much. Because from what I know of the writers, they are amazing women.

So...

I'm probably going to go watch something on YouTube for a while and then go read until my eyes start to cross. And maybe scavenge for food. And then finally do something productive. Hopefully.

See ya~!

[*sets down her script* That was awful. That was all awful. I mean the writing thing was good, the philosophy thing was good, the book thing at the end was good but everything else... I just... I don't know. *sigh* This really could have been half the length it is. I need to learn to edit... and I really need a snack.]

I'm Gonna Kill You

Yeah I'm gonna kill you
and all your loud-ass friends too
I don't think it'd be too much to ask
for you to be a bit less of an ass
If I don't get some peace and quiet
I'll put you on a strychnine diet
I'm usually a very peaceful person
but I'm gonna kill you.

-Hank Green, I'm Gonna Kill You


This verse kind of speaks to me because there are times when I also feel that I need to kill people who are too loud.

Anyway...

Good morning, guys and dolls~ It's Monday, February 13th and I should be writing!

Basically what I'm hoping happens today is that I can stay awake for at least most of the day (maybe go do fun stuff, maybe write about awful things happening and blond, goth guys in fake band t-shirts, not sure yet). I'm doing that because my sleep schedule is a little screwed up (which is to say that I am completely nocturnal) and that's starting to make me feel a little groggy and just ick so... yeah.

As for research, I need to look into: hacking, poisons, guns, knives, how to hide weapons in women's formal wear, assassination in general and various other things that could get me questioned by the FBI. Awesome.

That's the price I pay for interesting characters. I also managed to kill my headphones - well, ear buds, technically - so that sucks. One side still works, though, so I've been playing songs on YouTube for a while. Um... what? Oh, yeah.

There are a lot of things going on right now that I could comment on in a broader, social context (like the fact that the women Tweeting that Chris Brown could beat them anytime he wanted are a product of our society, not a cause or that the modern business industry values ruthlessness above all else) but I try to stay away from topics like that for the most part. This is largely because our own reality is very subjective. We can know only what our senses tell us and because of that, we are somewhat limited in our understanding of the world and the people around us. We make a habit of not thinking of others in complex terms, something that I've been having to do more and more in planning and attempting to be a storyteller.

I'm not saying it's right -  in fact, a lot of things in our society are very wrong - but it is a product of so many things about ourselves and about our perceived environment that it becomes increasingly difficult to pinpoint one thing that has caused everything else to derail. Personally, I think it's because there is no 'one thing'. It may be that instead of one thing causing the train to derail, it is instead many things causing the tracks to rust and twist and corrode to the point that even though the train can stay on them, the ride is neither safe nor smooth.

Of course this is all a digression for the light and informal nature of this blog (and for that, I apologise - even though it's my blog). Since I don't feel this is really the time for me to be rambling about complex sociological issues, I'm going to go back to the light and informal nature we're all used to for a while.

I'm worried about this theme. I mean, I like the basic look but I wonder if it could be more... me, somehow? I don't know.

*awkward laugh*

I'm almost twenty.

Holy crow.

On All Kinds of Things

First off, writing:

Been thinking about that lately. Mainly because a certain editor was impressed by how much I'd improved quality-wise. Like, insanely (and, I think, unduly) impressed. Story-wise is another matter and now I kind of just want to kick ass as an independent since I really doubt I could be marketable overall as mainstream and still have any fun with the story, you know? Doesn't really matter why, just need to own it, right? Right.

Second, music:

Slowly falling for Panic! At The Disco. Yeah. And screwing around with novel soundtracks because I can.

Third, my project-hopping:

I project-hop. A lot. It's gotten so bad that in the last few hours I've researched all kinds of guns, written part of a very emotional scene, written lines for other places in that same story, gotten annoyed (yet again) with The Book, struggled with how to handle a short story and realised that I am definitively 'not mainstream'.

BUT.

I am cognizant of that fact. My project hopping seems to have its advantages. I can get away from stories I'm starting to hate and work on something that actually flows for at least a few minutes.

...

I just realised how little point most of these entries have anymore...

I also realised that I ramble too much, compartmentalise too much and generally 'talk to fill the silence' too much in my actual books. That, my friends, is why I'm having such a fit. And thankfully that is a relatively simple fix.

So... I'm going to try to have more of a point in the future... and I'm going to go work on something for a little while - just see what I can't do when I'm paying attention.

Official Diagnosis

Vexin Hypergraphia exacerbated by severe MSD (Multiple Story Disorder) with accompanying Sequel Syndrome. Shows signs of AADD (Author Attention Deficit Disorder). Currently on low-dose Jarador to control vocal outbursts and nervous ticking of the hands.

(This is what my brain does. Send help.)

Anyway. Time for random information about characters you currently don't care about.

I think I figured out why I love Carmen so much: He's a gorgeous, anti-social, bisexual, gender-variant assassin hacker. (Understand that there is no part of this sentence that I don't like.) Of course that 'ethical hacker' side of him results in me having to research hacking (which I still believe should just be called 'hacking' across the board) and that's making me nervous because he can at times cross over into 'hacktivist' territory.

In other news, I'm sitting here with a headache and a new piece of the plot for a new book. It makes my heart hurt and makes me want to cry to think about it so it's probably worth writing in.

Suffice it to say it contains a scene where the older-by-probably-at-least-four-years protagonist gets to look back at his best friend and, nearly crying, ask 'You were born after me... so why did you have to grow up before I did?'

(Knowing the context for the above, I am somewhat of a mess just from that.)

Anyway... I'm using that as a transition too much and I should probably try to do something that doesn't make me want to curl up in a dark room and cry for a while.

See ya~

Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave.

That has nothing to do with this post; I just thought it sounded cool.

But anyway... The first three chapters of what I just call The Book are with a beta reader currently and I'm just waiting to be told what to fix, basically.

Lithium has been stuck in my head all day. Mainly because it's become the song I associate with Cityside (the short story) for some reason. Also, I realised something: Actual strangulation with intent to kill is really difficult to write well when one party is drugged and the other is insanely calm and kind of lovey about the whole thing. I’m also a tad concerned that problems like this are normal for me…

There's a research-heavy project that's been running in my brain. It's nothing much, just a novella series (currently titled 'The City of Dis'). It's meant to take place in most major cities around the country and to some degree around the world (just not all at once, obviously), following a musician and lower-level demon. And no, I don't know what to do with my brain at times.

So, right now, I'm listening to Tiger and Bunny character songs (and kind of in shock because OMG this song) and trying to make myself work. That's going about as well as can be expected.

Oh, well... Onward to mediocrity!

Writing Related Crap

So...

Have you ever written something because of reasons because you can and then you realise that you don't typically write things like that and then you're weirded out and a little proud of yourself that you managed to do something decently even though it was out of your comfort zone?

Me neither. *awkward laugh*

No, really, that happened. Well, kind of since it's only part of a scene right now and I'm trying not to think too much about it while I'm typing - In fact I'm trying not to think too much about it in general, partially since it's not even in the project I'm meant to be working on.

Well.

Anyway.

I'm considering adding pages to this thing, making it a little more like a website. I'll still keep the informal blog, of course, so I can ramble at you guys but I'm not too sure what to do. I mean, if I had interviews and things like that then I could have a place for them but I don't. So... yeah.

Anyway, you might have noticed the blog title change (which really doesn't effect anything at all) and if you haven't, please to be noticing it now. *points*

In other news, this was really just a random update that I was hoping would help me get capital-s Something done. That plan has only marginally worked as I now want to do ALL THE THINGS! and it's really annoying me.

I think I'm going to go and try to get something constructive done, so if there are any changes to the blog in the next few hours or days, it's just me screwing around.

So, bye for now, guys. Bye for now~