Sometimes I wonder

if there isn't something legitimately 'wrong with me'.

I think, when things are a little more settled out and I have the money, I want to go and see a psychiatrist. I may not want to/feel I need to by the time I have the opportunity but as of now... well.

I've just been causing a lot of trouble lately, inadvertently. It's like I can't understand the people around me and aside from that it's affecting my ability to function, which is a legitimate problem at this stage in the game. I might not go to therapy or anything like that but being able to put an actual name to it (if there is one) might help me figure out how to fix it.

Anyway, that's a ways off yet. I want to research but I don't want to self-diagnose.

I just feel like I'm coming apart at the seams here...

(I realise that this is a blog and all of that but I still try not to drag you guys through my drama. I'm sorry about that but I just needed to get this out. I'm going to go back to writing for now and see if that doesn't help a little. Maybe pray about it since that usually helps me sort things out.)

Well

I think the phrase of the day is: "This is your world, not mine. I will help you from mine."

At least I want to.

This apparently means 'Time to recruit people as beta readers and then actually finish that thing you were working on so that you actually need said beta reader'.

I have one short story to go to her and I'd sort of like an outsider's opinion on the first chapter of the novel. Not sure on that, though. I'm kind of paranoid of it. I mean, I realise that 'books are not babies' and all of that but... it is. I mean a first book is an ordeal and this one has changed so, so much since the first draft. I'm starting to believe the whole 'books are made in revision' thing.

So, since it's after five in the morning, I had a nightmare, I'm tired but I don't want to sleep and am hence currently rambling and unintelligent as if my life depended upon those two qualities, I'm going to go try to do something constructive.

I also broke a nail and so now one is really short and it's just weird. I'm hungry and sad and it's just not a fun moment...

I think I would want to work in a library. Like, once I get settled where I'm going to live and all that. Just find a library and work there.

(You can really tell I'm sleep deprived.)

I can haz internet~!

After two days. Two days of no internet, no TV and no fridge.

But. Everything's okay now. Because my time-wasters are firmly back in place. But where to start...

Okay. So I just spent four days on the road and then another... three(?) unpacking my life from its cardboard containers. That's still nowhere near done, by the way. I have a lot of life, apparently.

But we're here, we're basically settled, we have a fridge - I think we're doing okay.

I was followed around and called pretty by one of the movers, including phrases like 'She's so tiny! She's tiny now!' (I have lost weight and I'm really freaking short but still.) This was tempered slightly by the fact that I was in town shopping with my mum and Grandma for most of the time they were there. Most of the remaining time was spent putting night stands together (bruising my hands in the process) and trying to keep said mover from happening to anyone.

That was all very odd. And it didn't help that beforehand the door on the big moving truck was jammed (by a table, I think) so all four of us had to go out and help open it. This resulted in my taking skin off of my knuckles when a suitcase decided it would be funny to slide down the door and trap my fingers.

The night before all of this was spent in a motel in town, eating what I could from McDonald's because it was closest and we were all tired. So we sat in the adjoining room with my grandparents and talked about things. Mainly writing things. I think my grandpa was surprised by how dark my writing was. But on the upside he seemed to be listening to me ramble. Yay~

We also learned the valuable lesson: Don't waste good pizza on trashy women. There's a story in there. But I'm not going to tell it.

Also, backwards chronology is backwards but I don't actually care.

So, Yay, update~! Now I'm going to go back to writing about slightly whorish, gender non-conforming assassins. Awesome.

Texas! Now with more Texas!

*flops backward onto the bed*

Ow... Nice room, though.

So. I can't remember what motel I was in last night. And I spent some of last night in a bar in Beaumont, Texas. And today I saw someone's cock in the parking lot. So it's been an eventful trip.

(Get your mind out of the gutter. I can't remember the motel because I'm travelling (moving) and a little scattered, I was in the bar (and restaurant) waiting for my food and the cock was a rooster. Which I'm still not sure about. I mean, why was there a rooster in a parking lot? Anyway...)

I'm very tired and I'm full of veggies like a happy bunny so this is just a quick update while I'm stopped for the night. Sometimes I hate travelling. But it's always such an adventure.

The Adventures of RambleSpazz

And the adventure continues... I'm also sorry for the length of this post.

Good Goth
Rockeresque
Almay
Physician's Formula
E.L.F. Cosmetics
Sephora
GOSH Cosmetics
Lush
Smashbox
The Body Shop
Tarte
Urban Decay
NYX Cosmetics
Wet 'n Wild
Hard Candy
M.A.C. Cosmetics, OPI and Revlon (I think)

Otherwise known as 'Companies I now really like'. Why? Because, according to my information, they are 'cruelty-free', meaning that they do not test on animals. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't like animal testing and things like that. I just find it all rather pointless. But these companies are pretty cool, from what I know of them.

Also, nail art. If you recognise any of these companies, you probably know that a lot of them have nail lacquer. Part of the reason for that is because I also found something called 'Bundle Monster Image Plates' which are small metal plates with engraved designs on them used for nail art. I'm not sure how the discovery of these led to me wanting to buy from cruelty-free companies in the future but somehow it happened. Huh.

All of this sort of came about from me wanting to figure out the looks and styles of my different characters. I have a few fashion sketches for certain characters and think it should be a part of my character creation, especially if a character is planned for more than one book or story. That just sort of bled over into an interest in hair, makeup and nails, I think.

What else? Oh yeah.

So this year is kind of my year to stop apologising so much. I am a very strange person and I find that I feel way better overall if I'm just true to that so... I'm going to be. That might not seem like such a big deal to some of you but it is a big deal to me since I was always nervous about what people might think of me even if I told myself I wasn't.

So I'm making a conscious effort not to do that anymore.

Aside from that, I think watching things on YouTube is actually helping. Like, because I can see other people doing things, I can see that most of it is pretty easy if you have the right tools and that makes me want to go out and do things. Weird, I know. But it's making me wish I had a good video camera. And some kind of skill.

Also, Sherlock. BBC Sherlock. Best show. That is all. /random

Just another random update really. There is no point to any of this. At all. As you can all probably tell, I'm rather tired and I should probably sleep soon. So, goodnight, I hope you all have a wonderful day and I will see you soon~

So far this year...

- I've talked to someone on tumblr whose writing I really admire... and she didn't tell me to go away!
- I've learned about non-Newtonian fluids.
- I've thrown up (sort of. It was more like gagging hard enough to bring up fluid but not really pieces of anything... I hope you weren't eating as you read this.) and am still a little scared to eat.
- I got to cheer someone up.
- Three writers from emotionally-twisted AU of a show I love followed me on tumblr (and I flipped out accordingly).

So been decent overall, I think. The spazzing and shrill fangirl screaming kind of made up for the sickness. But wow... really wow. I mean, these people write the way I want to be able to - they are honest, even when the material isn't comfortable in the least. I have a bad habit of staying in the box of what is socially acceptable and shying away from having anything really bad happen to characters, especially anything that would cause lasting damage. And I basically need to learn to tell stories how they're meant to be told.

But aside from that, this year has been pretty calm all in all... so far. We're only, what, four days in now?

Pointless update was kinda pointless but there you go.