*HEADDESK*

People seem bound and determined to not let me have a single day where they don't make me cry.

Here's what happened: When I'd written a post on tumblr offering writing/editing/etc services, I didn't really expect anything. So I figured a writing archive wasn't a big deal because no one would care enough to ask. Besides I thought I still had one in case someone did. But I don't.

I've apologised and made it clear to a certain Anon that I did, in fact, intend to work. (I wanted to take some of the stress off of my mother by making money doing things I knew wouldn't make me lock up, like writing and editing and making things.) I just misremembered what I'd deleted and don't have the archive to offer as writing samples anymore. It's one thing to be annoyed at that - that I understand - but it's another entirely to accuse me of using my friends and the people who were kind enough to donate. I'm a lot of things but a cheat isn't one of them.

I've told them as much and apologised again before I shut off anonymous asks. Sick of it. I am sorry I screwed up like that but you don't need to call my character into question over it.

So that's my drama for the day. Camp NaNo is way behind and I'm too annoyed to care right now. I'll care about it later, when I've calmed down.

Sometimes I wonder

if there isn't something legitimately 'wrong with me'.

I think, when things are a little more settled out and I have the money, I want to go and see a psychiatrist. I may not want to/feel I need to by the time I have the opportunity but as of now... well.

I've just been causing a lot of trouble lately, inadvertently. It's like I can't understand the people around me and aside from that it's affecting my ability to function, which is a legitimate problem at this stage in the game. I might not go to therapy or anything like that but being able to put an actual name to it (if there is one) might help me figure out how to fix it.

Anyway, that's a ways off yet. I want to research but I don't want to self-diagnose.

I just feel like I'm coming apart at the seams here...

(I realise that this is a blog and all of that but I still try not to drag you guys through my drama. I'm sorry about that but I just needed to get this out. I'm going to go back to writing for now and see if that doesn't help a little. Maybe pray about it since that usually helps me sort things out.)

I managed to break a glass

at exactly midnight. I really liked that glass too. I'm sure there's something symbolic about all that but honestly I feel too awful to wonder about it right now.

I had one of my 'moments' too and didn't really register what happened until way after the fact. I don't know what this is... I know what my anxiety feels like and this isn't it. I'm suddenly starving, my hands are cold, I nearly fell and I just sat in the kitchen in the dark on the floor for almost ten minutes because really, how can I be that stupid?

But in the morning, I'll be fine. Because that's always how it works. I'm all right, really. I'm just a little... panicked.

(Short entry, I know but I just needed to vent a little bit.)