Sometimes I wonder

if there isn't something legitimately 'wrong with me'.

I think, when things are a little more settled out and I have the money, I want to go and see a psychiatrist. I may not want to/feel I need to by the time I have the opportunity but as of now... well.

I've just been causing a lot of trouble lately, inadvertently. It's like I can't understand the people around me and aside from that it's affecting my ability to function, which is a legitimate problem at this stage in the game. I might not go to therapy or anything like that but being able to put an actual name to it (if there is one) might help me figure out how to fix it.

Anyway, that's a ways off yet. I want to research but I don't want to self-diagnose.

I just feel like I'm coming apart at the seams here...

(I realise that this is a blog and all of that but I still try not to drag you guys through my drama. I'm sorry about that but I just needed to get this out. I'm going to go back to writing for now and see if that doesn't help a little. Maybe pray about it since that usually helps me sort things out.)

Well

I think the phrase of the day is: "This is your world, not mine. I will help you from mine."

At least I want to.

This apparently means 'Time to recruit people as beta readers and then actually finish that thing you were working on so that you actually need said beta reader'.

I have one short story to go to her and I'd sort of like an outsider's opinion on the first chapter of the novel. Not sure on that, though. I'm kind of paranoid of it. I mean, I realise that 'books are not babies' and all of that but... it is. I mean a first book is an ordeal and this one has changed so, so much since the first draft. I'm starting to believe the whole 'books are made in revision' thing.

So, since it's after five in the morning, I had a nightmare, I'm tired but I don't want to sleep and am hence currently rambling and unintelligent as if my life depended upon those two qualities, I'm going to go try to do something constructive.

I also broke a nail and so now one is really short and it's just weird. I'm hungry and sad and it's just not a fun moment...

I think I would want to work in a library. Like, once I get settled where I'm going to live and all that. Just find a library and work there.

(You can really tell I'm sleep deprived.)

I can haz internet~!

After two days. Two days of no internet, no TV and no fridge.

But. Everything's okay now. Because my time-wasters are firmly back in place. But where to start...

Okay. So I just spent four days on the road and then another... three(?) unpacking my life from its cardboard containers. That's still nowhere near done, by the way. I have a lot of life, apparently.

But we're here, we're basically settled, we have a fridge - I think we're doing okay.

I was followed around and called pretty by one of the movers, including phrases like 'She's so tiny! She's tiny now!' (I have lost weight and I'm really freaking short but still.) This was tempered slightly by the fact that I was in town shopping with my mum and Grandma for most of the time they were there. Most of the remaining time was spent putting night stands together (bruising my hands in the process) and trying to keep said mover from happening to anyone.

That was all very odd. And it didn't help that beforehand the door on the big moving truck was jammed (by a table, I think) so all four of us had to go out and help open it. This resulted in my taking skin off of my knuckles when a suitcase decided it would be funny to slide down the door and trap my fingers.

The night before all of this was spent in a motel in town, eating what I could from McDonald's because it was closest and we were all tired. So we sat in the adjoining room with my grandparents and talked about things. Mainly writing things. I think my grandpa was surprised by how dark my writing was. But on the upside he seemed to be listening to me ramble. Yay~

We also learned the valuable lesson: Don't waste good pizza on trashy women. There's a story in there. But I'm not going to tell it.

Also, backwards chronology is backwards but I don't actually care.

So, Yay, update~! Now I'm going to go back to writing about slightly whorish, gender non-conforming assassins. Awesome.