I don't feel like I've had a break in a month.

I think that's a large part of why I feel so anxious (and sick and shaky and I can't sleep and when I do I have nightmares and I haven't wanted to eat in about three days). I'm also having a lot of trouble focusing on homework and, weirdly enough, this really started after I watched a couple videos of people playing Polybius. Guess what I won't be doing again.

I've been staying up too late as a result of all of it. I've also been researching MK ULTRA - you know, the whole CIA thing? It's really very interesting. I'm not sure how much of the more modern theories I can get behind but they're still interesting.

I've dimmed my brightness on this computer screen way down and that's helping the headache a little. Not a lot, but a little.

I've started working on my site again. It's not much but it will showcase my writing and help get the company off the ground (hopefully). I'll have to replace the first six chapters of something with the edited versions but that doesn't take too long. I was hoping to have those edits done by Friday but I kind of doubt that's going to happen, so I'm just shooting for 'as soon as is reasonably possible'. That's about all you'll be getting from me for a little while, I'm afraid.

Um...

My scaffold is doing okay. The front... hole (giggity) on the outside is still a little hurty when I clean it but the rest of them don't bother me at all.

Oh, and today in Psych, we were talking about echoic memory (and the fact that what someone says is stored from 3 to 4 seconds in your brain's 'echo chamber' - that's why you can usually repeat it back to them right after they say it but if you wait too long, it disappears) and one of the examples we gave (they had us in groups) was a small child repeating everything his mother said. One day she gave him the 'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood' rhyme, and I was the only one who knew the rest of it (A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood). So that was pointless but it made me feel better.

I remember saying 'That's been in my head for years - I knew it would come in handy one day' and the girl in the group laughed (kinda loudly, too. ... She was kind of cute. Anyway...)

I have one essay for English that I haven't even read yet. That alone should tell you how bad this has been. The fact that I felt like that almost first-draft paper was the best I do - all I could handle right now - should be another red flag. I'm going to give that a little while and wait until I feel like I can work on it without feeling like I want to vomit.

So, yeah. I haven't been feeling well lately is... is, I guess the - the main bullet point of this little presentation.

But that seems to be... well, evening out a little. I have a headache but for right now, that's about all I can really, deeply complain about. Still, I'm seeing several days like this in my future. So that's fun.

Anyway... this was kind of rambling and the TL;DR version is: I'm feeling a little unstable and insane lately. I can't focus, I don't sleep well, I don't want to eat. I want to write but I feel so... off that I can barely do that. Things hurt. Things hurt and I'm tired a lot.

So. I think I'm going to post this and then be quiet for a while. Maybe try to get a few sentences down, listen to my music, and try to sleep.

I hope you're all doing well, and I'll see you later.

Sunday is Gloomy

My hours are slumber-less...
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless...

Anyway.

Why exactly am I asked to do assignments concerning basic sentence structure in an English 101 class?

Missing Cynthia

My name is Caroline Irvine.

My name is Caroline Irvine and I am an only child.

I lived with my mother before dad came back.

Have you heard about my sister?

She disappeared before I started school this year.

She tried to talk to the doctors but no one listened to her.

I miss her.

Why won't they let me see her?

and:

Rainwater

I love the rain.

I love the rain and I love the dark clouds.

I love the rain because it calms me down.

But have I ever loved the rain for what it is?

I love the rain because I love the sound and the feeling.

I love the rain but I never stop to consider the water.

I love the sound.

Have you ever loved the rain for the water?

There. Have some writing.

I mean, I don't hate them but I just... why? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a coherent idea down in eight lines? I can barely do it in 200 pages!

*sigh*

It's warm up here. Granted it isn't as bad as it might have been if I didn't have a fan. I have a fan on a stand and it's pretty and awesome. So... yeah.

I'm up and listening to to music, seeing what I can tag as 'Vexspo*' so I can feel like I'm being rebellious/ill just because I'm creative.

I have notes to do but I don't care enough to jump in with that just yet, it's too warm to sleep but not quite enough to be stifling or anything, and I really wish I could pin my hair up away from my piercing. I mean, it's not long enough to get tangled up or anything but... I don't know, I need to wash my hair, at least. I think I'll feel better after that.

*slow exhale*

I drank a bunch of coffee around eight. That was not smart. It's after midnight here and I am kind of wired. So. I think I'll be up and not doing much at all for a while. Might read, might try to write, idk.

I might just wind up listening to music and going back though this blog. I haven't just stopped and read it for a while.

Well, whatever I wind up doing, I do need to sleep sometime before sunrise. I only have one more week of getting up this early, though, so that's kind of nice.

I'll see you all later, then. I hope you have a good week.

(*It's a long story. Here's the short version: It's from a book I'm working on.)

Want to see my desktop?

It's so awesome! It's for a story but I thought the logo looked cool so I did this.

Anyway.

I have this now:

It's kind of awesome. This was done by a guy named Eddy. Eddy is very nice. The side of my head hurts a little now but the scaffold itself didn't actually hurt that badly. He had me lying down and he just told me to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I felt this pinch but that was about it. Apparently, it bled a bit and freaked my mum out a little. (And these do bleed, by the way. They're putting holes in you. It's not that bad, though. Like, maybe a two out of ten for pain.)

I have to clean it with Q-tips twice a day (four Q-tips each time, sprayed down with a piercing spray - two for the inside, two for the outside) and change out my pillowcases (or sleep on a towel) every night for about a week. These things take between 3 and 8 months to heal because they're through cartilage.

Also, I didn't post what I wore for Impossible Astronaut Day. Here:

You can't see the details too well but I really like that suit. It's pinstriped and it has a waistcoat (of style) and everything. And that tie - I found that tie. It's too long on me but I like the colour.

So.

I have a headache and we're talking about politics in school. That's really fun. (Please note: heavy sarcasm)

No, it's okay. I have a few people I agree with and at least one person that I kind of can't stand so that's about what I expected.

I'm going to take the weekend to relax and write and work on notes and extra credit and stuff like that. I'm kind of looking forward to not doing much for a few days. I have one chapter down on a book right now an I don't hate it so that's good.

I hope you're all doing well and I'll see you all soon.