I've been writing again.

Nothing too fancy - just messing around with ideas. I have two right now that I'd kind of like to see at least mostly done before too long. I actually started screwing around with GIMP and a site with a metric buttload of public domain photos (most of which are not that great for my purposes but, oh well). I found one image I liked, though, and I've been gently arguing with that for the last little while.

But it's basically done now though, so that's cool.

Also, my computer has been randomly locking up for a few seconds before unfreezing again, which is irritating because it's not just one page/the program I'm working in - it's everything. Like, even my music will lock up and make this weird screeching sound like 'eeeeeeeeeeee'. So yeah, annoying. Plus, you know, I like this computer so I'd kind of rather it didn't die or explode or commit any other form of ritual suicide.

It's February. And that means that one month is gone. Already. So I'm both scared and happy. Scared because... well, just because I'm very aware of time and how scattered I've been lately and happy because things are (slowly) getting done.

Oh, and before I forget: Congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks!

Currently, I'm sitting on my bed and bouncing back and forth between maths and mild anxiety/life plans so... yeah. That's basically what my life has been since school went back. It's just an odd quarter this time. I was the only one in my Latin class on Thursday because there are only about four of us in there total.

*sigh* I just... I'm having a lot of issues bubbling up to the surface now for some reason. It's all... amazingly annoying. Me, I catch myself just kind of sitting around like the Frankenstein of potato bags, bored out of my mind but having no desire to do anything because why? But it gets even worse when I realise that I want to do things but none of those things are school-related. So now I have to sit around and clutter up my head-space with a bunch of meaningless things that I'm never going to touch again. Fun.

It all just proves to me that I like learning but I'm not at all in love with school.

... You know, it's really weird when you realise that you're not happy and probably haven't been for a long time. You go along and you don't engage and you don't think about much and then one day, you're doing your laundry at eleven at night because you couldn't be bothered to do it earlier, and you're gearing up for one of your insomniac nights where you don't go to sleep until about three in the morning when your alarm is set for five but it doesn't matter because you ignore it anyway, and then it hits you. So you stand there and stare at one of your black towels which is slowly falling apart and it finally clicks that you're doing the same thing. You keep going to school because 'well, I'm in it now and I'm getting close to graduating' even though you have no idea what you actually want out of life in terms of anything that a degree or college classes would help, and you keep telling yourself you're okay with things and with your life and with the fact that you can't focus enough to study even if you cared to and so you're torn between just quitting - everything - or packing a bag and getting on a train with what little money you have because maybe, just maybe, it'll jar something loose and make you feel something that lasts.

And even like this, on my own blog which very few people read, I still have to say 'you' because that gives me a little bit of distance from everything.

And I'm not going to make some big, impassioned speech about how it gets better and that this is the day that all that changes because speeches like that never feel sincere. Honestly, I don't know what to do with this. It should be an easy choice, at least on the surface: Do you want to be happy the rest of your life or miserable? And I think that's what scares me the most. I don't have an answer because I don't know what being happy would feel like. I've locked everything down so much I'm not sure I can get to it anymore. That's the best way I can say it right now.

And, because timing is everything, this post just showed up on my tumblr dashboard:

"Mental illness is like fighting a war where the enemy’s strategy is to convince you that the war isn’t actually happening."