Or 'The Actual Reason Why I Can't Seem to Get Anything Done'
Essentially what it boils down to is this: I felt I had no effect on the world around me growing up. As a result, I feel I have no power over my world now which causes this cycle of 'I could do this' 'Why? It won't matter' 'Yeah, you're probably right. I'll fail. I'm terrible.' which then causes me to become depressed as I feel very... adrift and like I can't do anything. Like I'm not good enough to do anything.
But people have done much more with much, much less.
It's a matter of retooling your thinking. Feeling like I don't want to fail makes me not try in the first pace because then, yeah, I still failed but that was my decision - it wasn't just because I couldn't do it. There's also the matter of perfectionist tendencies which tend to make things needlessly difficult. 'I can't do this perfectly right now so I just won't at all' and stuff like that. Very hard to work around.
So here's the idea:
Money
- Nonfiction which pays me
- Fiction which will pay me later
Other Writing
- Fan stuff because it's fun
Languages
- Esperanto
- Swedish
- French
- German
- Japanese
Technically, this is not that difficult of a plan. Time-consuming, yes, but not difficult.
Slightly Difficult Life Stuff
- Should probably learn to cook
- Also bank stuff, especially if traveling
- Find a good way to keep track of dates and stuff so that nothing's late
There's also tricky things like taxes and junk and it's all things I can learn and once I've got it handled, that means I'm getting much closer to being able to handle my own life. And that's scary as hell but it also means that I can essentially do anything. And that is a wonderful feeling.
But, yeah, that's what most of the past couple days have been about. 'This is what we've been doing. We need to fix it.' Honestly, just knowing that this is an actual thing helps a lot. Sometimes just being able to put a name to something helps.
For right now, in the short term, I have NaNoWriMo to finish. I'm about 6k from the finish line right now so that shouldn't take me long at all. After that, I'm not sure what I'll actually do. I might kick around and write a few articles, just don't stress much. It's a pretty hectic time of the year in general so... yeah.
I woke up at like, two this morning so I'm a little *whistling noises and wiggly hand gestures* right now.
But I think my plans have become a little more concrete. And that's both terrifying and exhilarating.
So. I'm going to go and write a little. See if I can't get my head space right.
Bye for now, everyone. Bye for now.
25.11.14
23.11.14
Too Many Tabs
My mind has far too many tabs open.
The result of this is that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I thought about yet another plan of mine (like using Figment to serialize stories before publishing them) but then I realized that I'd probably never get that one done either. So, of course, then I had to try and puzzle out what was holding me back so much.
The answer, as it turns out, is two-fold - at least from my current perspective:
Part One: Depression
As in, 'This is all I'll do, day in and day out, because the world isn't that interesting anyway. Maybe if I got up somewhere very high and then fell, things would look interesting but everything's boring from down here.'
I think this is why I don't care to do much and why my sleep schedule is so abysmal. If I'm asleep, I physically can't worry about things. But if I sleep at night, then I've got all day around people which tends to stress me and make me irritable. However. Sleeping all day like this leaves me unable to actually rest (well, that and a host of other things which I severely doubt I'm dealing with properly) when I do sleep, which means I'm tense and annoyed when I wake up, making it very difficult to get anything useful done.
So, that sort of mindset makes it very difficult to do... well, anything, if we're being brutally honest.
You basically have to start wanting to do things before you can start wanting to do things and that's just... awkward all over.
Part Two: Lack of Self-Confidence
This one's kind of self-explanatory, really. I feel like a lot of it comes from the depression, though. Most days I feel so wretched and uncreative that it amazes me that anything thinking human being would feel otherwise.
As a result, I feel like my ideas are too good for me or that I'm not qualified for the plans I come up with. I second-guess everything which means I'm wrong more often which makes me less likely to want to do anything because 'what's the point if I'm just going to scramble and fail?'
So that's what I've come up with so far.
There's probably a lot of issues that I've just stepped on over the years and those probably aren't helping in the slightest but I'm not sure I even still have the keys to those doors. Might have to wait until I can break the latch or something.
Honestly the only real upside to all of this is that NaNoWriMo has been giving me no trouble at all this year. That's a bit of a confidence boost, I guess.
The result of this is that I have no idea what I'm doing.
I thought about yet another plan of mine (like using Figment to serialize stories before publishing them) but then I realized that I'd probably never get that one done either. So, of course, then I had to try and puzzle out what was holding me back so much.
The answer, as it turns out, is two-fold - at least from my current perspective:
Part One: Depression
As in, 'This is all I'll do, day in and day out, because the world isn't that interesting anyway. Maybe if I got up somewhere very high and then fell, things would look interesting but everything's boring from down here.'
I think this is why I don't care to do much and why my sleep schedule is so abysmal. If I'm asleep, I physically can't worry about things. But if I sleep at night, then I've got all day around people which tends to stress me and make me irritable. However. Sleeping all day like this leaves me unable to actually rest (well, that and a host of other things which I severely doubt I'm dealing with properly) when I do sleep, which means I'm tense and annoyed when I wake up, making it very difficult to get anything useful done.
So, that sort of mindset makes it very difficult to do... well, anything, if we're being brutally honest.
You basically have to start wanting to do things before you can start wanting to do things and that's just... awkward all over.
Part Two: Lack of Self-Confidence
This one's kind of self-explanatory, really. I feel like a lot of it comes from the depression, though. Most days I feel so wretched and uncreative that it amazes me that anything thinking human being would feel otherwise.
As a result, I feel like my ideas are too good for me or that I'm not qualified for the plans I come up with. I second-guess everything which means I'm wrong more often which makes me less likely to want to do anything because 'what's the point if I'm just going to scramble and fail?'
So that's what I've come up with so far.
There's probably a lot of issues that I've just stepped on over the years and those probably aren't helping in the slightest but I'm not sure I even still have the keys to those doors. Might have to wait until I can break the latch or something.
Honestly the only real upside to all of this is that NaNoWriMo has been giving me no trouble at all this year. That's a bit of a confidence boost, I guess.
15.11.14
On Broken Sleep Schedules
A sleep schedule is a little like a clock. Rather, it's kind of like a pocket watch. And a little like a sheep.
It's like a pocket watch because you can only pay attention to the gradual passing of the day if you remember to wind it. Otherwise, you're just guessing at the time and constantly late for everything. If you have no sleep schedule, guess what? You're guessing at the time and being constantly late for everything unless you set enough alarms to wake up all of North America, living or dead.
It's like a sheep because... I like sheep.
But that wasn't my point.
My point was the fact that I have no sleep schedule and the lack of a sleep schedule is apparently a pretty big contributor to my general lack of focus and sluggish approach to... well, everything to be perfectly honest.
I feel... clouded. Like nothing's completely real. It's obnoxious, to say the least. But I've taken to writing down notes for things as I think of them rather than just leaving them alone in my head (because I feel like I lack time/talent/etc./whatever) and that seems to be helping slightly. The entire paracosm feels a bit more concrete that way, like I could walk the streets with my eyes open and not be distracted by my hands on the keyboard.
Speaking of, I've been seeing these little flickers out of the corner of my eye recently. Mom's been getting them too, which is slightly comforting, but it's still odd.
All that aside, it is now very late. I have this hibiscus drink from Jamaica (it's actually really good - tastes like honey) and my head is full of vampires.
Things could definitely be worse.
Oh, and I got a really nice message on the NaNo site today:
Sorry to bother! Your story just seems so interesting, I wanted to know how it was going. Do you intend on publishing it? Because I would definitely read it!
Also, I wanted to know if we could be writing buddies? You sound really nice!
Good day to you!
It's like a pocket watch because you can only pay attention to the gradual passing of the day if you remember to wind it. Otherwise, you're just guessing at the time and constantly late for everything. If you have no sleep schedule, guess what? You're guessing at the time and being constantly late for everything unless you set enough alarms to wake up all of North America, living or dead.
It's like a sheep because... I like sheep.
But that wasn't my point.
My point was the fact that I have no sleep schedule and the lack of a sleep schedule is apparently a pretty big contributor to my general lack of focus and sluggish approach to... well, everything to be perfectly honest.
I feel... clouded. Like nothing's completely real. It's obnoxious, to say the least. But I've taken to writing down notes for things as I think of them rather than just leaving them alone in my head (because I feel like I lack time/talent/etc./whatever) and that seems to be helping slightly. The entire paracosm feels a bit more concrete that way, like I could walk the streets with my eyes open and not be distracted by my hands on the keyboard.
Speaking of, I've been seeing these little flickers out of the corner of my eye recently. Mom's been getting them too, which is slightly comforting, but it's still odd.
All that aside, it is now very late. I have this hibiscus drink from Jamaica (it's actually really good - tastes like honey) and my head is full of vampires.
Things could definitely be worse.
Oh, and I got a really nice message on the NaNo site today:
Sorry to bother! Your story just seems so interesting, I wanted to know how it was going. Do you intend on publishing it? Because I would definitely read it!
Also, I wanted to know if we could be writing buddies? You sound really nice!
Good day to you!
This right here? This is amazing to me. First off because I'm working on a really weird story this year. And, not that you asked, here's the cover for it:
There's a reason the title is spaced like that but that's for me to know and you to (hopefully) find out once this thing is done. Right now, it's a little like trying to push a waterbed out of my brain. That is to say, not exactly fun. In fact, it can be pretty painful. BUT. I said on the forums (in an official 'Finish That Novel Club' thread, no less) that I would get this thing done. And I intend to stick by that. I have a terrible habit of using so many things 'for practice' because I get it in my head that nothing I do is 'good enough' to be published, either by myself or by anyone else.
Thing is, I see some of the absolute shit that gets thrown into the marketplace and I think 'Wow... I might not be so bad after all'. The issue with that is that then I have to actually convince myself that when a story is done, it's done. And when it's done, if you set out to write something that others would be allowed to read, it's time to allow them to read it.
That's where my issue actually is, I think. Letting go of a project. I know I'm 'good enough', objectively. I doubt I'm marketable enough for mainstream but some days even I'm not sure about that. I feel a little like that unnamed musician from Interview With The Vampire who wrote beautiful music which would 'never sell' because it was too dreary.
Lestat liked him. Of course, Lestat also loved Nicolas de Lenfent and we all know how that ended.
Anywho-diddly-doodle, the second reason that message is so amazing to me is just because it's never happened before. They took time out of their day and their own life and their writing to send me that message. Someone I've never even met, never even heard of. Not even sure I've seen them around the forums before.
So that's really cool.
But, yeah, that's where that is. I should be sleeping, I've got vampires on the brain, and... it's a weird night.
There's a reason the title is spaced like that but that's for me to know and you to (hopefully) find out once this thing is done. Right now, it's a little like trying to push a waterbed out of my brain. That is to say, not exactly fun. In fact, it can be pretty painful. BUT. I said on the forums (in an official 'Finish That Novel Club' thread, no less) that I would get this thing done. And I intend to stick by that. I have a terrible habit of using so many things 'for practice' because I get it in my head that nothing I do is 'good enough' to be published, either by myself or by anyone else.
Thing is, I see some of the absolute shit that gets thrown into the marketplace and I think 'Wow... I might not be so bad after all'. The issue with that is that then I have to actually convince myself that when a story is done, it's done. And when it's done, if you set out to write something that others would be allowed to read, it's time to allow them to read it.
That's where my issue actually is, I think. Letting go of a project. I know I'm 'good enough', objectively. I doubt I'm marketable enough for mainstream but some days even I'm not sure about that. I feel a little like that unnamed musician from Interview With The Vampire who wrote beautiful music which would 'never sell' because it was too dreary.
Lestat liked him. Of course, Lestat also loved Nicolas de Lenfent and we all know how that ended.
Anywho-diddly-doodle, the second reason that message is so amazing to me is just because it's never happened before. They took time out of their day and their own life and their writing to send me that message. Someone I've never even met, never even heard of. Not even sure I've seen them around the forums before.
So that's really cool.
But, yeah, that's where that is. I should be sleeping, I've got vampires on the brain, and... it's a weird night.
14.11.14
30k Celebration~ And Stuff
I hit 30k (out of 50k) for NaNoWriMo. This is a joyous occasion~ Or something.
Fact of the matter is that it's 12:34 right now (though, obviously it won't be by the time I publish this), and I... am slightly wired. No idea why, but it's there and I figure I might as well run with it.
I have a chapter to finish, a book to work on (and so many to read... like seriously I ought to post my 'to-read' list here just so you can all get a sense of scale. Might do that later. Anyway...).
The other night when I couldn't sleep I finally got around to reading 'PUSH' by Sapphire. Very good but very difficult novel. It's all told from the perspective of Precious Jones, who is about sixteen at the start and is illiterate to barely literate around that time. She already has two kids - one when she was twelve, a girl with Down Syndrome, and one at sixteen, a healthy boy. Her father is also their father, and her mother outright blames her for 'stealing her husband/stealing her man', usually driving the point home with a beating before telling to her get up and fix her something to eat.
Obviously, not meant as a light-hearted read. I read it straight through. It's rough. It's deeply uncomfortable. It's not pretty in the slightest. But it's honest.
And honest is always beautiful.
If absolutely nothing else, I need to learn to take that to heart.
Things are changing. Things have been changing for a while now but every now and then, I'm very aware of them. But I think it's a good change, at least.
And now, a small fact about your humble blogger:
Whenever anyone says 'Writer's block is just laziness/just an excuse', I tune out.
Honestly, I'm fairly distrustful of people who say that they never get writer's block (or anything similar depending on the type of artist they are). I probably shouldn't be but my initial response is distrust for the quality of and care put into their work.
Uppity? Probably. Like, 97% sure on that one.
But right now, that's kinda just how it is.
I think it's because I can never work like that. I need days spent letting my subconscious work on problems that I can't see a solution to at the moment. I need days to unwind and unplug and think and refocus. It's odd to me to think that some people just don't. Of course, to the average person, I'm very odd for a multitude of reasons, so I don't really have a decent platform here, now do I?
That's all kind of beside the point. Although in a way it isn't seeing as there was no point to begin with, which would theoretically make everything in this post both the point and not the point.
Or something.
I don't know.
It's late and I have stuff to do, that's about all I'm really clear on at the moment.
But hey, at least I can see the road to the end of my headlights.
Fact of the matter is that it's 12:34 right now (though, obviously it won't be by the time I publish this), and I... am slightly wired. No idea why, but it's there and I figure I might as well run with it.
I have a chapter to finish, a book to work on (and so many to read... like seriously I ought to post my 'to-read' list here just so you can all get a sense of scale. Might do that later. Anyway...).
The other night when I couldn't sleep I finally got around to reading 'PUSH' by Sapphire. Very good but very difficult novel. It's all told from the perspective of Precious Jones, who is about sixteen at the start and is illiterate to barely literate around that time. She already has two kids - one when she was twelve, a girl with Down Syndrome, and one at sixteen, a healthy boy. Her father is also their father, and her mother outright blames her for 'stealing her husband/stealing her man', usually driving the point home with a beating before telling to her get up and fix her something to eat.
Obviously, not meant as a light-hearted read. I read it straight through. It's rough. It's deeply uncomfortable. It's not pretty in the slightest. But it's honest.
And honest is always beautiful.
If absolutely nothing else, I need to learn to take that to heart.
Things are changing. Things have been changing for a while now but every now and then, I'm very aware of them. But I think it's a good change, at least.
And now, a small fact about your humble blogger:
Whenever anyone says 'Writer's block is just laziness/just an excuse', I tune out.
Honestly, I'm fairly distrustful of people who say that they never get writer's block (or anything similar depending on the type of artist they are). I probably shouldn't be but my initial response is distrust for the quality of and care put into their work.
Uppity? Probably. Like, 97% sure on that one.
But right now, that's kinda just how it is.
I think it's because I can never work like that. I need days spent letting my subconscious work on problems that I can't see a solution to at the moment. I need days to unwind and unplug and think and refocus. It's odd to me to think that some people just don't. Of course, to the average person, I'm very odd for a multitude of reasons, so I don't really have a decent platform here, now do I?
That's all kind of beside the point. Although in a way it isn't seeing as there was no point to begin with, which would theoretically make everything in this post both the point and not the point.
Or something.
I don't know.
It's late and I have stuff to do, that's about all I'm really clear on at the moment.
But hey, at least I can see the road to the end of my headlights.
9.11.14
'Day Nine' or 'How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love NaNoWriMo'
Really, things aren't so bad.
Well, financially, they're a little bad but that's only because I haven't been working. Everything else seems to be pretty decent.
See, messing up my sleep schedule hasn't helped me much, obviously. I was sort of hoping it would because then I'd be able to comfortably stay up all night and actually get things done. Sadly, this does not seem to be the case, as I have not gotten much done in the space of nine days.
Well, I've written over 20k but I have done exactly 0 in terms of paying work so... that's an issue. Good news is, I can easily pull down 5k in a day now and that means that I've gotten a lot faster than I was before, at least in terms of overall output. I'm glad about that. That'll help me later on.
Anything helps. Even half-finished things that you just throw in a trunk somewhere because you just can't make them work. Every page, you're better than you were a page ago.
That's how I'm trying to do things, anyway.
I've also been trying to keep a Little Red Writing Folder (TM... or whatever) that has all my completed projects and their word counts and junk so I can add things up. I'll probably put the total at the bottom of each page though, so I don't have to do unnecessary levels of math. Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.
Anyway, the story is actually hanging together a lot better than I thought it would. My serial killers really aren't bad guys - they're just big on medical and scientific progress. I guess. But they're a little patchwork family and I love them for it.
*knocks on anything even resembling wood*
I'm also going to try to be more observant with my life. I don't know how well this will work but it'd be nice, I'm pretty sure of that. I know I miss a lot of stuff.
I don't want to sleep but I always seem to give up around five in the morning. I really think that if I can stay up and wrench my sleep schedule back around, it'll really help my general productivity. I wonder if I watch a movie on YouTube or something, I could get past that initial 'I really want to sleep' thing. I always feel worse when I wake up.
I guess I could write until I'm starting to get tired and then take a shower and watch movies until the sun's up and I feel more awake. Maybe then I can focus on articles and junk since I'll feel a little more caught up (which is dumb because I'm way ahead of where I'm 'supposed' to be).
Yeah.
Maybe.
I have no idea if that will work or not but yeah... I might try that.
So... I'm going to go see if that works. Wish me luck? I'll probably check in again soon to ramble/complain about things.
Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.
Well, financially, they're a little bad but that's only because I haven't been working. Everything else seems to be pretty decent.
See, messing up my sleep schedule hasn't helped me much, obviously. I was sort of hoping it would because then I'd be able to comfortably stay up all night and actually get things done. Sadly, this does not seem to be the case, as I have not gotten much done in the space of nine days.
Well, I've written over 20k but I have done exactly 0 in terms of paying work so... that's an issue. Good news is, I can easily pull down 5k in a day now and that means that I've gotten a lot faster than I was before, at least in terms of overall output. I'm glad about that. That'll help me later on.
Anything helps. Even half-finished things that you just throw in a trunk somewhere because you just can't make them work. Every page, you're better than you were a page ago.
That's how I'm trying to do things, anyway.
I've also been trying to keep a Little Red Writing Folder (TM... or whatever) that has all my completed projects and their word counts and junk so I can add things up. I'll probably put the total at the bottom of each page though, so I don't have to do unnecessary levels of math. Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.
Anyway, the story is actually hanging together a lot better than I thought it would. My serial killers really aren't bad guys - they're just big on medical and scientific progress. I guess. But they're a little patchwork family and I love them for it.
*knocks on anything even resembling wood*
I'm also going to try to be more observant with my life. I don't know how well this will work but it'd be nice, I'm pretty sure of that. I know I miss a lot of stuff.
I don't want to sleep but I always seem to give up around five in the morning. I really think that if I can stay up and wrench my sleep schedule back around, it'll really help my general productivity. I wonder if I watch a movie on YouTube or something, I could get past that initial 'I really want to sleep' thing. I always feel worse when I wake up.
I guess I could write until I'm starting to get tired and then take a shower and watch movies until the sun's up and I feel more awake. Maybe then I can focus on articles and junk since I'll feel a little more caught up (which is dumb because I'm way ahead of where I'm 'supposed' to be).
Yeah.
Maybe.
I have no idea if that will work or not but yeah... I might try that.
So... I'm going to go see if that works. Wish me luck? I'll probably check in again soon to ramble/complain about things.
Bye for now, everyone~ Bye for now.
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