All kinds of things.

My scale reads 127 at this time of night. This is problem and needs to be fixed like now.

(I've also noticed that when writing for Heavy Rain - which will, for the record, require a major overhaul - and when planning for another project of mine, any issues with my weight seem magnified. Randy is underweight for his height and most of The Other Project revolves around not wasting the city's resources and not becoming a drain on the city. There is also a cap on ageing in that one. But that's neither here nor there.)

Life:

A decision has been made. I shall be an artist.

Of course, that means those so much stuff to figure out now but that can be done in fits and starts for a little while, until I stop panicking.

Writing:

There's the book.

This incomprehensible book.

Any other book, I can just write. Any other book, I can fix later and it doesn't feel so frightening. This one though... It's so... dark. And not in the typical way things I write are dark. It's a lasting darkness, something that has the potential to make this one of those books that stays with you for years.

And the least thing I want to do is screw that up.

So, it's to editing. To editing while I try not to ruin it.

Wish me luck.

Complaining Already:

Really. Everything I do looks cheap to me. I'm working on the site and everything I do looks cheap to me. I'm torn between being really professional with the white background and everything and thinking that that's just not what I do. This is not a bright company. It's a dark, horror kind of company. Our focus is on the unsettling, just not in an overly obvious way.

I want to use darker colours but I can't get a theme with them that I don't hate and I don't know enough about coding and CCS to make one.

So, you know, *HEADDESK*

I'm going about it in a different way now and I think it'll work out a little better like this. It's just gonna take forever.

FAKE Geekery:

I never noticed before but in the first volume (OMG, the art style changed so much 0.o) when Ryo is talking with Vikky at the station, he has his tie loosened, the button at his collar undone and he isn't wearing his suit jacket. In the very next scene without Vikky, his shirt is completely buttoned up again and he's fixed his tie.

I'm thinking that's one of the examples of him picking up on things and doing them without making a show of it. No jacket and his tie loosened is very similar to how he first saw Dee - namely, relaxed and not threatening. It's a less professional, more relaxed or easy-going look and so it shortens the psychological distance between him and Vikky at that point, meaning the boy may be more comfortable and more willing to talk.

Later, when Dee is around after Vikky gives them the information, Ryo moves back to the more professional side of the scale, fixing his tie. It's a small change but it still illustrates the distance between him and Dee.

Also, page 38 in volume one - Ryo is in street clothes. I hadn't noticed this before but his shoes have a decent heel on them in that shot - especially for a guy.

Anyway, it was one of those things that you notice on a second read-through.

Okay, I'm gonna go and try to get more things set up. (Just go down the list, right?) I'll see you all soon and hopefully I'll not be panicking and/or exhausted.

I'm Having an Existential Crisis

Seriously.

Like, here's what's happening:

Option A:

Become a mortician/funeral director. Go and have this big life and do all these big things in bigger places. (And move death from 'hobby' to 'career'.)

Option 2:

Get a small, nice apartment in a rainy little town, get a job at a pet store, start up a publishing/art company and have a nice life as a kind of jack-of-all-trades artist. (And be able to say 'Oh, no, no, it's just a hobby' when someone asks me if I'm obsessed with death.)

So.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

They both sound fun.

But, honestly, I'm leaning more toward option two.

I can get a job at a small shop or something - something I wouldn't hate is about all I ask for - and write and crochet and make clothes and make video games and scrounge together friends and funds for a small production company where we can work on the scripts that have been piling up.

That would just be wonderful.

Extra Crap:

I want to do a project here pretty soon - Open Real-Time Worlds (ORTW). It's similar to an ARG but without a strong 'Go here, Do this, Collect this' element, which basically means that it's a world that anyone can just play around in and 'enter' through blogs or social sites or LARP (Live-Action Role-Play) - basically, you're in it as long as you want to be. There are established rules but aside from that you create your character and how they live and all of that within the 'new world' and the rule set.

I can explain this a little better later, hopefully, but I've just always liked the idea of people spazzing and cosplaying and drawing things for things that don't technically exist except for in the collective minds of people who are in on the world and having fun with it.

I think it's a neat idea. Like, I can compile lists of fashions and foods and music and actors and movies, all from these worlds of mine... because I am insane. But I still want to share my toys.

*sigh* I have way too many ideas for my own good.

Also, this was interesting: How Chuck Wendig Writes a Novel.

Aside from all of that... well, not much else has been happening. Grandma's doing well and Grandpa's going in on the third to see about getting the cataract in his left eye removed - good thing, too, because he missed the gate with that truck of his by about four inches the other day.

I'm going to go talk to mum after dinner and well see if we can't hash out what exactly I need to be doing and what steps I need to take.

I'm all mixed up, I think. I love the idea but there's that little, socially engrained part of my brain that says 'Artists have no security! This little, bohemian 'thing' isn't a plan! Do something more safe and normal!'

Obviously, the answer is a gritty, in-your-face 'No'. But still, it's distressing. Can I just... live, for a little while? It's not like I'll be relying on income from that right off the bat - I'll have a job somewhere.

*sigh*

I'm gonna go panic a bit and then work this out.

Bye for now, guys! (Wish me luck, calm things, a clear head, and sugar.)

Rambling

(Really. That's all this is.)

I have, like, 5k left to write and all I want to do is go edit something else.

Or write something else. Or do something that proves to me that the first draft is not a complete train wreck. I mean, there are some very good bits and there's one scene I'll get to today that I think I'll want to keep but still. Plus I'm not sure if I want to wrap things up or leave his fate, as it were, undecided.

So there's that too.

Grandma goes in for cataract surgery tomorrow. She doesn't seem nervous at all now but I'm pretty sure that'll change by tonight (not that I want her to be on-edge or anything, she's just usually fine right up until the night before something big happens and then she starts getting nervous. Me? I fret and fuss and puff right up until and then I just go and do it. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah...) so that's gonna be fun. We have to go to a place that's about an hour (I think?) away so that means 'up early' and 'I should probably bring a book'.

We also have a lot of food around here that we need to use up before mum and I leave. Which is a problem because I've gained about eight pounds. This is not okay. But when we move, our diet will change. It always does. It was a fair bit healthier up there, all in all.

Do I need an 'Editing Bay' section in that sidebar? (Only if I'm going to use it. *headdesk*)

Oh, that's right. Did you hear about Casey Legler? She's working as a male model. Awesome, right? ^^ (If you don't think that's awesome, we are on two different wavelengths.)

I really think that the world is on the verge of a major shift. I mean, I'm not with the doomsday crowd by any means but I wouldn't be surprised if there's some kind of major change that happens around that time. There have been stirrings for years.

So, yeah. I woke up, cleaned up cat vomit and now I'm going to go back to writing. I have ideas. And those ideas spawn more ideas. It's like an idea rabbit-garden. Or something a lot more coherent.

Bye for now, people. Just wanted to update you on the pointless ins and outs of my life.

(*headdesk* I need a plan! *rolls around in self-pity*)

*waves*