Research and Rambling

Seriously.

I'm getting that weird kind of pressure on my chest and I just want to talk in circles about nothing that actually means anything. So, yeah, I'm pretty normal ^^;

I'm also researching hacking. Which makes me nervous. But anyway...

Any time I find myself writing anything similar to 'This really all goes back to my concept of the Ouroborean Rings – a representation of smaller infinities within a larger infinity, comprising the whole, interconnected but separate' I'm either really on track, or rambling horribly. In fact, it's probably a mixture of both.

I really don't know what I'm on about right now. Guess I'm kind of lonely and just wanting to talk at someone for a while.

I mean, lately I've been thinking in broader terms. By broader terms I mean that I've been trying to place my characters and stories in a broader social context. I realise that most writers have this moment where the process of consistently thinking about characters as they exist outside the pages has been started and everything is new and interesting because you're finally doing it right. Well, that seems to have happened to me. Awesome for me and for a potential future career but annoying for those around me, more than likely.

I don't know what I'm saying, really. I probably just need to read or write for a while and get my mind in a different place. My interest in languages is flaring up again. As is my interest in creepy/romantic things like saying 'I wonder what you taste like'.

[It's 1:24 right now. This entry is probably going to take me all night.]

Just spent almost half an hour listening to P!ATD. And I'm almost half-way through Looking for Alaska... I'm kind of loving it and sitting around seething in anger at the seeming ease with which John Green can write. And then that little part of my mind says 'I can do that' and then I try to. And I fancy I get just a bit closer.

So that's where I am.

Sitting around at 2 in the morning, thinking 'I think I just have too much filler between the interesting scenes' and considering how I should go about fixing that.

I'm also waiting for pre-order information and pricing on a book I kind of want very badly. The authors are people I found through tumblr and I just... yes, the story is rather sexual (as in there's kind of a lot in it) but it serves a psychological point in showing just how broken one of the main characters is (And it really is one of those stories that makes you contemplate all possible meanings of the phrase 'broken toy'.) and the plot and the emotions and the fact that I curled up and cried one night over one of the characters when I just thought about him for too long is pretty solid. So I'm hoping I can scrounge up the money/that it's not too much. Because from what I know of the writers, they are amazing women.

So...

I'm probably going to go watch something on YouTube for a while and then go read until my eyes start to cross. And maybe scavenge for food. And then finally do something productive. Hopefully.

See ya~!

[*sets down her script* That was awful. That was all awful. I mean the writing thing was good, the philosophy thing was good, the book thing at the end was good but everything else... I just... I don't know. *sigh* This really could have been half the length it is. I need to learn to edit... and I really need a snack.]

I'm Gonna Kill You

Yeah I'm gonna kill you
and all your loud-ass friends too
I don't think it'd be too much to ask
for you to be a bit less of an ass
If I don't get some peace and quiet
I'll put you on a strychnine diet
I'm usually a very peaceful person
but I'm gonna kill you.

-Hank Green, I'm Gonna Kill You


This verse kind of speaks to me because there are times when I also feel that I need to kill people who are too loud.

Anyway...

Good morning, guys and dolls~ It's Monday, February 13th and I should be writing!

Basically what I'm hoping happens today is that I can stay awake for at least most of the day (maybe go do fun stuff, maybe write about awful things happening and blond, goth guys in fake band t-shirts, not sure yet). I'm doing that because my sleep schedule is a little screwed up (which is to say that I am completely nocturnal) and that's starting to make me feel a little groggy and just ick so... yeah.

As for research, I need to look into: hacking, poisons, guns, knives, how to hide weapons in women's formal wear, assassination in general and various other things that could get me questioned by the FBI. Awesome.

That's the price I pay for interesting characters. I also managed to kill my headphones - well, ear buds, technically - so that sucks. One side still works, though, so I've been playing songs on YouTube for a while. Um... what? Oh, yeah.

There are a lot of things going on right now that I could comment on in a broader, social context (like the fact that the women Tweeting that Chris Brown could beat them anytime he wanted are a product of our society, not a cause or that the modern business industry values ruthlessness above all else) but I try to stay away from topics like that for the most part. This is largely because our own reality is very subjective. We can know only what our senses tell us and because of that, we are somewhat limited in our understanding of the world and the people around us. We make a habit of not thinking of others in complex terms, something that I've been having to do more and more in planning and attempting to be a storyteller.

I'm not saying it's right -  in fact, a lot of things in our society are very wrong - but it is a product of so many things about ourselves and about our perceived environment that it becomes increasingly difficult to pinpoint one thing that has caused everything else to derail. Personally, I think it's because there is no 'one thing'. It may be that instead of one thing causing the train to derail, it is instead many things causing the tracks to rust and twist and corrode to the point that even though the train can stay on them, the ride is neither safe nor smooth.

Of course this is all a digression for the light and informal nature of this blog (and for that, I apologise - even though it's my blog). Since I don't feel this is really the time for me to be rambling about complex sociological issues, I'm going to go back to the light and informal nature we're all used to for a while.

I'm worried about this theme. I mean, I like the basic look but I wonder if it could be more... me, somehow? I don't know.

*awkward laugh*

I'm almost twenty.

Holy crow.

On All Kinds of Things

First off, writing:

Been thinking about that lately. Mainly because a certain editor was impressed by how much I'd improved quality-wise. Like, insanely (and, I think, unduly) impressed. Story-wise is another matter and now I kind of just want to kick ass as an independent since I really doubt I could be marketable overall as mainstream and still have any fun with the story, you know? Doesn't really matter why, just need to own it, right? Right.

Second, music:

Slowly falling for Panic! At The Disco. Yeah. And screwing around with novel soundtracks because I can.

Third, my project-hopping:

I project-hop. A lot. It's gotten so bad that in the last few hours I've researched all kinds of guns, written part of a very emotional scene, written lines for other places in that same story, gotten annoyed (yet again) with The Book, struggled with how to handle a short story and realised that I am definitively 'not mainstream'.

BUT.

I am cognizant of that fact. My project hopping seems to have its advantages. I can get away from stories I'm starting to hate and work on something that actually flows for at least a few minutes.

...

I just realised how little point most of these entries have anymore...

I also realised that I ramble too much, compartmentalise too much and generally 'talk to fill the silence' too much in my actual books. That, my friends, is why I'm having such a fit. And thankfully that is a relatively simple fix.

So... I'm going to try to have more of a point in the future... and I'm going to go work on something for a little while - just see what I can't do when I'm paying attention.