You know...

...maybe the key to my getting anything at all done is feeling pissed off and like a complete and utter failure.

No, really. See, when I feel like this (slightly less so now but it's still there), all I want to do is study - after I stop crying and wanting to step in front of a bus. If I just wait for a while that feeling goes away on its own and I'm left with this sense of calm 'that's enough now'. If I could learn to throw a leash on that feeling, I'd be golden.

When I'm like this, I hate myself just enough to want to do something. When I'm like this, I want to write. I want to get my company off the ground and be good enough to raise the money I'd need to go to NYU and double major in psychology and linguistics. Then I want to go to Japan for a year or two - writer, therapist, artist. Most of all, I'd just like to stop being such a damn disappointment to myself and everyone around me.

'One day at a time' only works if you're doing something every day. That's another thing to get through my head.

So I'm going to see what I can't do to pull myself out of this. Wish me strength, blessings, and coffee.

This is easier than I'm making it.

Like so much of my life.

I have:
- Algebra to study (it's easier than I thought it was, I just wasn't using all my tools)
- RP replies to do (seriously, I've been sitting on a lot of them because of school and what appears to be depression. So that's really fun. And someone checked in with my Trager blog and said the following: [That's what I figured, just wanted to check in anywaaay. Even if I'm too shy to make any decent RP attempts, I'm a big fan of your character portrayal and I hope you can kick those lame life problems right in the butt! ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ])
- Writing to do (NaNoWriMo waits for no gender non-conforming individual.)
- 'Outlast' fics to do (some people like what I write. Who knew?)

And really, that's about it for what 'has' to be done, at least for the next little while. How hard is that? (Answer: It isn't.) So, yeah. I'm making this a lot harder than it ever needs to be. And you know what the worst part is? I'm aware of it.

In fact, I'm aware of a lot of things. Huh.

Also, the trip for DashCon is booked so *SCREAMS*

So yeah, that's about where all that is. I do sometimes wonder if it's legit depression. I wouldn't be surprised... That and my weight and the length of my nails. Those are problems for me too.

But anywho... I'm not where where I'm going with any of this other than 'I'm not dead, I'm just kind of sad.' and 'I really hope this gets better soon because it's really freaking annoying'. And I will see you all again sometime before the end of the month.

Assuming 5 a.m.

Assuming that I can actually get up (not just wake up) when my alarm goes off:

- WRITE (You've been terrible about this lately.)
- email that guy about that thing at school
- Catch up with people for a little while (because friends are <3)
- Listen to WTNV (You're behind. You should fix that.)
- Read
- SCHOOL -
- Sketch/plan/read on break
- Accept PTK membership (Yeah, Phi Theta Kappa. It's invite-only, so that's a little awesome.)
- Study things (seriously even like an hour total would help)
- Reply to RP posts and write Outlast/FAKE/IWTV stuff and junk like that.

That's really about it for right now. That is not that difficult. Could use some fine-tuning but... yeah.

For right now, though, I'm going to go to sleep because I am actually tired.

I'll try to make the next entry something actually interesting. No promises though.