I'm not up late

It's after midnight, which means I'm up early and you're lazy.

Or something.

So... A little while back, my mother suggested (completely seriously) that I basically write gay porn for a living. Like, erotica. I've given it a lot of thought over the past few days and I've decided that... yeah, sure, I'm gonna do the thing.

I have ideas. Like ones that got me the response 'That's hot. I'm not into gay guys but that's hot'. So I'm calling that a win and jumping into the erotica swimming pool (which, on second thought, might actually be unforgivably gross) pretty much as soon as school is out. Because really, who wouldn't love to hang around in a roomette on a train on their way to an anime/gaming convention, sipping wine and writing about hot morticians and lonely accountants? I'll tell you who: people with amazingly different life goals from myself.

Honestly, I'm pretty damn 'up' right now because I was tagged in this:

on tumblr. By my girlfriend. And I can't even believe how quickly your life can change sometimes, you know? It's just... yeah. No words. To put this into perspective, I am slowly 'growing out of' being so locked-down socially - as in, never talking to anyone or doing anything that requires me to talk to anyone or do things on my own. Since I actually met her, I've gone and walked around the Artist's Alley at a con (bought stuff, talked with all kinds of really great people), gone to a very nice restaurant, just me and her (ordered and paid and everything), and I'm giving some thought to moving into a studio apartment here in town once I have my personal financial situation sorted out, so I'll have a rental and credit history (in general - because that's probably a good thing to have anyway - and in case I really do decide to move up to where she is in a few years).

That's a hell of a lot of change for one person to cause, I'll tell you that much.

But that kinda brings me to a point I've been meaning to address on here: I'm really thinking that my aro/ace leanings (while possibly legitimate in that I may be demisexual) were likely the result of my habit of locking down all of my emotions due to my past. I'd think, 'relationships are nothing but pain and trouble and drama and I will never be willingly involved in that mess' and so I kept to myself so much because it lessened the chance that I'd find someone who I 'clicked' with. Please note that I in no way mean to say that 'well, I'm not really aromantic/asexual - it was just a phase/I just needed to find someone'. That's not only inaccurate and offensive, it's also not the point of this at all.

What I mean by all of this is that it's hard to figure yourself out. It doesn't matter how long you've been here, if you're still living, you're still learning. Life is flux and the degree to which someone experiences that flux is very personal. Some people don't seem to change at all, others are radically different within half a year and they don't seem to slow down at all after that. Age, background, new experiences - all of these things will change the way you see yourself and the world around you. That's not to say that it necessarily changes 'you' - the 'you' that is actually 'you' - but it may change the way you interact with or perceive yourself.

I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all since it's so late right now but that's basically where my head's at with the whole thing. I'm apparently genderqueer and possibly some manner of bi-demisexual.

Totally honest here: I like labels for the convenience but they can be frustrating as hell sometimes.

So, before I stay up even later than I already have, I'm going to leave you with this link: [This link. Right here. You should click it.] It leads to a wordpress blog and a chapter by chapter recap of the infamous (for myself and all of the others writers I've come into contact with) 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. If you want to see what this... thing is actually like, I'd suggest taking a day or so and reading through these recaps. You may need wine and calming pictures for the anger flares and frustration, though.

It's about four in the morning now (I really don't know how I keep managing this but it needs to stop) and my stomach's starting to growl so I think I'll be going to sleep here pretty soon. I hope you all have a great day/evening/night/whatever time is it where you are, and I'll see you soon with... maybe a post about a car show?

Bye for now~ *waves*