2014: The Most WTF Year I Have Ever Been Through

So here's the breakdown and the list of stuff that I want to work on:

2014:

• I have no idea what to say about this year.
• But no one died or got sick
• And I figured out a lot about myself
• And I got to go to a convention and meet my girlfriend in person
• So that was good.
• Also, a gay couple from Texas had Doctor Who-themed engagement photos and a Doctor Who themed wedding/honeymoon. This is all kinds of awesome and I'm super glad that these people exist.

2015:

• MAKE A WORKING DUEL DISK (No seriously, all the technology is there, it's just a matter of putting it all together. Not that that would be stupidly easy or anything but I think it would be a really cool project.)
• Work on my focus (which in this list also has the meaning of 'Get really good at Duel Monsters/Magic: The Gathering/Chess).
• Finish at least two non-fanfic things that I can publish.
• Stop second-guessing everything I do.
• Try to sleep better.
• Try to relax more.
• Pray a little more and pay more attention to life.
• Read more.
• Get my weight to a level I like.
• Stop feeling guilty and/or stupid for things I actually enjoy/think are interesting.
• Stop tearing myself down over every-damn-thing.
• Get a schedule going in terms of general work (nothing too restrictive but nothing that means I'll just forget for weeks on end).
• Sort out my meds and junk. (There's one that they want me to try after the first of the year in place of my anxiety and anti-dissociative ones. I'd just be keeping my anti-depressant and my focus med, which they're looking to use as a supplementary thing along with me learning/playing games, since that's supposed to help a lot with focus and attention.)
• Languages. I kinda want to start learning languages.
• Also piano.
• Heck, maybe I'll go join the SCP Foundation. Because why the hell not?

And um... I think that's about it. At least that's all I can think of right now. So... yeah.

I'm awake and kicking around ideas for stories and stuff. I might work on putting together a spreadsheet for all my titles and stuff. I like spreadsheets.

But yeah. It's easier than I'm making it. Like so many things in life.

It'll (probably) be after the first before I post again due to general craziness so I'll see you all next year~

The 'Why' Isn't Important

It's not. It might be interesting, but it's not important.

And that's one of the strangest and most useful lessons I think you can ever learn.

The 'why' is not important. What is important is that you ask the right questions.

Does this make me happy?
Is this directly harming someone else?

That's it, really. You can break things down in at least a hundred other ways but what it all comes down to is those two questions.

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That's really the only merit in this whole thing, so please, feel free to ignore all of this rambling.

First: I have a book to write by the end of the year.

I do. It's nothing of mine in that the idea wasn't mine originally but I'm the ghost writer for it so in a way it's mine.

I'm on chapter 13 out of 21. 21 minus the 12 I've already written equals 9 and there are currently 6 days left in the year (technically). 9 chapters divided over 6 days equals 1.5 chapters a day.

Okay.

Second: It would be so much better for me to start paying more attention to my own life.

I have this issue where I don't feel much. I'm not sure exactly what to call it but it's like I react to things in the moment (depending on what they are - sometimes I don't really react at all because I don't feel a connection to what's going on, sort of like I'm just dreaming) but it fades out pretty quickly. About ten minutes later and I'm back to my baseline.

This is not a good thing.

It keeps me from noticing things, it keeps me from getting things done, it puts a strain on my relationship with my family, and to be fair I think the only reason it's not causing me problems with my girlfriend is because we're long-distance and not around each other much at the moment. Traveling with someone who's that locked down emotionally (often without even realizing it) wouldn't be easy on anyone. And I'd kind of like to stop putting people through things, especially things I don't seem to have a lot of control over.

This requires thought. Self-reflection. And all manner of inward-looking things that I hate on principle for much the same reason that I hate mirrors.

But. It's all things that really do need to be done.

Now, I don't sit around and blame my mother for me being weird (because what would that solve?) but she recently brought up the point that I should probably start acknowledging that what she likes to call 'step-fathers on parade' and several times of 'hey let's go and do this cool thing oh but no I'm sorry we can't' likely didn't help this situation.

All a little beside the point right now but worth being aware of.

Don't you just hate it when you realize something that then you're like 'Oh... now I have to actually do something about this'?

Third: ..............................................................

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Fourth: I really need a cure for insomnia (that doesn't involve drugs).

Acute insomnia (if you're talking about inability to fall asleep) and chronic insomnia (if you're talking about not resting when you do sleep).

Neither of these are fun things. In fact they're both kind of screwing with my ability to get anything done in a timely manner.

So yeah.

Fifth: Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/etc.

I know I'm late for Christmas but I'd still like to wish all of you a very happy holiday season in general. And if you don't celebrate anything this time of year... well, then I hope it's a great time of the year anyway~

Here's to moving forward and all that. I wish you all the best of luck in dealing with whatever it is you have to deal with and I'd like to take this time to remind you that you are, in fact, rad and awesome and that you've got this. Go get 'em you lil' cupcake~ or whatever.

*lies down loudly*

Why is it that I seem to require some kind of massive breakdown before I realize that I'm actually okay and can do more than I think I can? It's becoming very annoying.

I think a lot of my issue comes from the fact that you hear so many people say 'writing is so much harder than most people think it is'. While that's basically true, I've always found it fairly easy. Sure, getting the right words and the right feeling and all of that is difficult at times but by and large, it's no more so than getting the right words for anything else. The issue then becomes feeling like I'm not any good or doing something wrong when I don't have the problems that other writers seem to.

Yes, it's easier when you're inspired by something but even if not, it's all a matter of getting as close to the finished product as you can, even if that takes you much longer than you thought it would and you've scrapped fifty first pages already just because the tone wasn't right. The beginning writes the end, in a lot of ways.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here. I guess I'm just getting tired of a lot of things about my life recently. Realizing that I'm actually fairly depressed more often than I'd thought was a little disheartening and from there came the desire to reinvent a few things about myself - at least in terms of my 'professional' image. See, I'm slightly in love with the idea of being some vain and deadly creature - classy vampire detective, I guess you could say. And that aesthetic isn't so difficult to get, all in all. At the very least, it's fairly easy to maintain over the length of a few website updates.

I'm starting to think it's much easier, at least in the short term, to work piece by piece rather than trying to build an entire brand without any nails, so to speak. I'm not sure what the final image will be. It's almost a 'book for a puzzle piece' model this way. Something to be uncovered as you go.

But mostly, this is a post to let you all know I'm still alive. I'm still in my pajamas at one in the afternoon, I'm missing my girlfriend, and I'm thinking of making some extra money to get us each one of those Pandora charm bracelets for St. Valentines Day (we're thinking of traveling around once she's certified to teach English so it would be kind of cool to have a little, portable record of where we've been and junk) but I'm still alive.

For right now, I think I'm going to do my best not to stress about things. When I get too stressed about things, nothing gets done, whereas when I'm calm and somewhat happy about things, they tend to move along without a hitch, at least most of the time.

Wish me luck... and maybe some self-confidence and coffee?