WHARGARBL!!

Yes. That's about what it's been like the past few days.

I've mainly been in a state of 'Everyone! I just... I hate everyone!' for the past few days. I'm not sure where it came from but I really wish it would leave. My sleep schedule is completely effed up and I'm actually thinking of going back to bed. (The problem with that? It's not even freaking noon!) On the upside (I guess) it is making me work on my craft stuff a little more. I have 26 crochet doughnuts sitting on my desk waiting for icing right now. My writing's staying basically on track too.

It's annoying that these moods of total abject piss-off tend to spark my brain in a lot of ways. They make me feel awful otherwise so it's actually not much of a trade off, I don't think. It's not that I don't want to be creative. I love being creative. It's just that I wish I didn't have to be so angry to really tap into it.

Internally, I've basically been like this for the last few days: Seems this is how it feels to be creative. But I hate how this feels. I hate not being able to sleep. I hate panicking. I hate crying. I hate getting close to people... and I hate feeling alone. So a part of me doesn't want this anymore. But I hate that at the same time. It's all such a mess! I don't want to be 'normal'. I don't want the part of me that's 'me' in that sense to just disappear like that. So I don't want to acknowledge it. If I don't then it never has the chance to leave. It will never have the chance to grow and change and learn to fly. If it doesn't learn, then it can never leave me. I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified of not remembering what I used to be able to do. But that just makes me miserable. And when I'm miserable, I don't connect because I know that connection gets severed the second I'm not 'normal'. So I want to stay away from everyone. But I hate that at the same time. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone! I don't want to be alone!

And that was basically my thought process last night when I couldn't sleep. So it's been a long couple of days. I know deep down that things will get better. It's just kind of hard to see how right now.

*hug?* <3