Five in the morning

Books are not absolutely dead things, but do contain a potency of life in them to be as active as that soul was whose progeny they are; nay they do preserve as in a vial the purest efficacy and extraction of that living intellect that bred them. Unless wariness be used, as good almost kill a man as kill a good book; who kills a man kills a reasonable creature, God's image; but he who destroys a good book, kills reason itself, kills the image of God, as it were in the eye. -- John Milton, Areopagitica: A speech of Mr John Milton for the liberty of unlicenced printing to the Parliament of England
I remembered this quote (well, I remembered a part of it and then had to look it up) and thought it would be good to keep it here so I can come back to it.

I don't know what today's going to be. Like at all.

I feel very strange (though not exactly bad) and I'm just hoping today's a good day.

Insomnia

Simple title, very annoying issue.

I'd imagine it's a little like the madness of being caught in Flatland, understanding something more but being largely unable to articulate it, much to the frustration and annoyance of yourself and everyone around you.

It's after nine in the morning. I know this because I have yet to fall asleep. The reason for this is partially my own fault (as in, not shutting my computer, watching a movie, reading an entire book, etc. when I was meant to be asleep) and partially out of my control (I have too many half-formed pans in my head and I lack both the follow-through to complete and the inner-peace to let rest for another day, I'm distractingly hungry but I have no desire to eat, achingly tired but there's a certain guilt attached to sleeping at this hour of the day which makes it even more difficult to shut off my brain.)

And basically, when it comes right down to it, I don't want to sleep because I'm tried; I want to sleep to shut out the world. Example, I know my messed up sleep schedule annoys my mother. If I'm asleep, I don't have to think about how much I'm annoying her (currently, in my mind, just by virtue of the fact that I exist). Until I wake back up, that is, at which point the cycle just starts all over again, namely: I've slept all day, meaning that I am once again not tired when it's turns night, meaning that I'm unlikely to be able to sleep over the course of the night, meaning that I'm once again up too late and feeling like a hack and a failure for doing nothing of value.

I realize that recovery of any sort is not a strict linear progression from 'ill' to 'well' but rather it contains all manner of backslides and inconvenient stretches in which is perfectly impossible to do anything you feel is useful in the slightest. This includes writing a coherent sentence of fiction, making any money at all, living up to your own laughably low goals, hell - even keeping up with my friends is a chore for me right now. Do you know why it takes me so long to get out of bed in the morning? It's not that kind of pale laziness that afflicts all school-aged children in one form or another - it's the paralyzing weight of unknowing that I can't seem to avoid nor decouple from an intense desire to simply lie there and doze and think (about the physics of higher dimensions, about the inherent difficulties in attempting to guide a larger society into acceptance of outliers as an essential part of the human experience, about the strange nebulous thing that is authorship, about the idea that I as a human being have the right to define my own experiences and insist on being made comfortable just as everyone else, about the weird and wonderful thing that is conlangs, anything).

All of this giving the completely understandable outward appearance of laziness (or possibly depression, depending on your reading), but I might argue that it's more a kind of... ugh, what's the word?

It's a kind of vicious cycle wherein everything (misspellings, simple noises, etc.) is unduly annoying and this feeds an ongoing inner monologue I seem to have acquired which makes it very clear that, regardless of what my time is spent doing, it is always wasted.

This makes some sense if I've been watching a movie when I could/should have been working. Yes, in all cases the movie was educational for me, but that won't cover the 70 bucks a month I owe until, like, May... sadly. It also gets nothing written, which hinders me even more because being unable to write is a strange and kind of sickly feeling - it's a bit like feeling a talent for a thing you often find so much joy in being slowly drained from you, as though some vast and uncaring part of the universe perceived it as venom welling in a wound and elected to remove it on a whim.

As a result, I remain in this little admittedly comfortable room, thinking in circles and becoming increasingly annoyed by my complete inability to function like a 'normal' person. Yes, I know, I should be focused far more on working within my limits rather than breaking my hands on the walls attempting to get through them (because, spoiler: that never works), but what happens when your supposed 'recovery' hits a stretch where you're perpetually 'out of spoons'? It's difficult to do anything when all you feel capable of focusing on at the moment is thinking, sleep, and possibly eating enough to avoid death.

In the long run, it may be better to roll with these moments and just know that they'll pass (and probably quicker if you'd stop stressing) but some part of my brain always starts jumping up and down with 'That's not good enough and you're an utter joke of a human being.' And that wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for that other part that always stands up and says 'I agree.'

Basically, it's all a rich tapestry of self-imposed guilt, an easily angered and overwhelmed self, complex issues of gender/sexuality/creativity and my relationship not only to the works of others but to others themselves that just can't be answered quickly, a complicated relationship with my place in the world both as part of the GSM and as an artist, and probably some manner of internalized ablism. I feel it's safe to say that all of this is currently contributing to the surprising lack of both focus and give-a-damn.

That's basically what's been on my mind lately. And that's why I didn't sleep last night.

I'm still not sure what to do about that.

Thoughts About Things

Here's a thing.

This thing is a chart. A chart which I fit about 95% of.

I'm unsure how to feel about this aside from vaguely relieved that all my strangeness does in fact have a reason.

Here's what the chart says, for those of you who don't want to/can't open it. I realize this is probably way outdated since it's for Asperger's which I believe was consolidated into the more general ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) as of the DSM V but still, I put the things which sound like me in italics.

Appearance/Personal Habits

• Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality.
• Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. Hairstyles usually have to be 'wash and wear'. Can be quite happy not grooming at all at times.
• Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.
• Is youthful for her age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.
• Usually a little more expressive in face and gesture than her male counterpart.
• May have many androgynous traits despite an outwardly feminine appearance. Thinks of herself as half-male/half-female (well-balanced anima/animus)
• May not have a strong sense of identity. Can be very chameleon-like, especially before diagnosis.
• Enjoys reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's. Can have favorites which are a refuge.
• Uses control as a stress management technique, rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict her seeming unconventionality.
• Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environments.

Intellectual/giftedness/education/vocation

• May have been diagnosed as autistic or Asperger's when young, or may have been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits.
• Often musical, artistic
• May have a savant skill or strong talent/s
• May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate toward writing, languages, culture studies, psychology.
• May be a self-taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will possess a wide variety of other self-taught skills as well.
• May be highly educated but will have had to struggle with the social aspects of college. May have one or many partial degrees.
• Can be very passionate about a course of study or job, and then change direction or go completely cold on it very quickly.
• Will often have trouble holding a job and may find employment daunting.
• Highly intelligent but can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.
• Will not do well with verbal instructions - needs to write down or draw diagram.
• Will have obsessions but they are not as unusual as her male counterpart (less likely to be a 'train-spotter').

Emotional/Physical

• Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive
• Anxiety and fear are predominate emotions
• More open to talking about feelings and emotional issues than males with AS
• Strong sensory issues - sounds, sights, smells, touch - and prone to overload. (Less likely to have taste/food texture issues than males)
• Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive (common comorbid of autism/AS) while the AS diagnosis was missed.
• Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms. Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body so may have had adverse reactions.
• 9 out of 10 have mild to severe Gastro-intestinal difficulties - e.g. ulcers, acid reflux, IBS, etc.
• Stims to sooth when sad or agitated: rocking, face-rubbing, humming, finger flicking, leg bouncing, finger or foot tapping.
• Similarly physical when happy: hand flapping, clapping, singing, jumping, running around, dancing, bouncing.
• Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.
• Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood - this can incite anger and rage.
• Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, esp. after a meltdown. Less likely to stutter than male counterparts, but may have a raspy voice, monotone at times, when stressed or sad.

Social/Relationships

• Words and actions are often misunderstood by others.
• Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.
• Is very outspoken at times, may get fired up when talking about passions/obsessive interests.
• Can be very shy or mute.
• Like her male counterpart, will shut down in social situations once overloaded but is generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a 'performance'.
• Doesn't go out much. Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them.
• Will not have many girlfriends and will not do 'girly' things like shopping with them or have get-togethers to 'hang out'.
• Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once adulthood is reached. (This is actually backwards for me.)
• May or may not want to have a relationship. If she is in a relationship, she probably takes it very seriously but she may choose to remain celibate or alone.
• Due to sensory issues, will either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it.
• If she likes a male, she can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know, e.g. she may stare when she sees him, or call him repeatedly. This is because she fixates and doesn't understand societal gender roles. This will change with maturity. (I have some issues with the way this one is handled/phrased but I can't quite articulate why...)
• Often prefers the company of animals but not always due to sensory issues.

So, as you can see by all the italics, if this is still any indication of what's looked for when diagnosing someone who is DFAB with some kind of ASD, well... yeah.

I was trying to think if I had any other self-taught skills but I guess typing, painting, some graphic design-esque things (like making book covers) could count toward that.

Also, as something that's only loosely tied to this, here's a partial list of characters I headcanon as Autistic:

- Barnaby Brooks Jr. (Tiger and Bunny)

It's a lot of small things with him, really. Like this from the team: "Barnaby's current ability to fake friendly looks and behaviour is the result of much work — as a teenager he was practically expressionless".

Essentially, how he is now is the result of what basically amounts to a lot of scripting.

His habit of picking pickles off of things could just be a general dislike of them or it could also be the result of sensory issues. (Sometimes they squeak off of my teeth when I do eat them and that makes me kind of... crawly.)

There's also the apparent lack of social skills when he's not doing something that he might have a mental script for (like in an interview), and the fixation on opera, which could be seen as a special interest depending on your reading.

The general reading of things like his fainting in episode 19 is a comorbid anxiety disorder/panic disorder along with PTSD, which was shown fairly clearly in previous episodes, with the most obvious symptom being nightmares and flashbacks. I have absolutely no issue with this reading at all - I think it's likely accurate, but it's interesting to me to look at the same scene with the idea that it also could have been a meltdown.

Meltdowns present a little differently in everyone but they can often look like a severe panic episode - crying, shaking, shortness of breath, racing heartbeat, general weakness/inability to force movement, etc.

(I also headcanon him as asexual, but that's a separate thing.)

A couple others on this list are:

- Randy Ryo MacLean (FAKE)
- Joseph Oda (The Evil Within)
- Touko Fukawa (Dangan Ronpa)

Speaking of Touko, I kinda want to buy this. I'd still need her glasses and school uniform, though. Still, it's cheaper than a Barnaby Brooks Jr. cosplay.

That was kind of rambling but yeah, that's about there things are right now.

I had a mild meltdown just a little while earlier and... yeah, that was not fun. I pulled through it though. That's something to be glad about. I haven't actually been able to do that in a while. It's kinda awkward all around though since I'm in that stage where I'm feeling better but I A) don't want to move too fast in case I scare the 'okay-ness' off and B) don't feel like it 'should' by over yet so I'm not sure how to act.

I think I'll go get something to eat (since my stomach is actually growling... pretty loudly) and then maybe go curl up and watch something on Netflix.

Yeah. That seems like a decent plan.