Three Points About Me (That Need to Change)

1) I self-sabotage (and I'm pissed off about it)

This first point I noticed because of the Seattle Seahawks. Namely, them losing Super Bowl 49 (not bothering with the Roman numerals right now) because of a single bad call. As a result, I had a minor break down (I say 'minor' because it only involved crying and shutting myself in my office for over an hour rather than breaking things). My mom actually figured out what was probably the cause of this: They were probably one call away from a win. And then someone screwed it up. Much like how I tend to get fairly far when I'm actually committed to something but I'll never win because when I'm close to winning, some part of my brain tells me 'You don't deserve this.' And then some other part goes, 'I agree.' So I screw something simple up. And I never get anywhere.

Seeing that on a grand scale is really fucking annoying, and slightly soul-crushing, hence all the crying.

So, an honest thank you to the Seahawks for helping me figure myself out. Now get back out there.

2) I act mostly under a false idea of how others see me

This is really a shorter, more general statement but I've caught myself doing things/not doing things/backing down from ideas, just because I was pretty sure that someone would hate me if I did something a certain way, even though I had no real evidence of that. It wasn't ever really a conscious thing but it was enough to mess me up on multiple occasions.

Not productive at all, what I'm doing.

3) I'm insecure.

Sadly I had to notice this because it usually took me at least a week to respond to a friend's emails even when I know being left hanging is stressful for her. I never mean to cause her to feel wounded or like she's being ignored (she's my friend - I mean, who would do that kinda crap?) but I just could not get myself together enough to answer. We also had an RP idea we were going to do. Been talking about it for a while now. Never happened. Why? Because I'm surprisingly insecure and have issues with envy.

[Quick vocab lesson: Jealousy is when you're afraid someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is 'envy'.]

She is a very good writer, from what I've seen. She also has some of the most interesting and original ideas I think I've ever seen. And I wish my mind didn't go blank when I'm trying to talk about simple things like fandoms and AUs and headcanons with her because I'm just dead-set convinced that pretty soon she's going to realize that all my ideas are terrible and have been done a million times in better ways or else just aren't that interesting, and hence will leave.

Obviously, I don't want this to happen being that she is, as I've stated earlier, my friend.

Bottom line: I feel so wretched and uncreative next to her it makes it extremely difficult to focus on anything else. And that really sucks because she's super nice and I sure as hell don't want to lose out on a good friendship because of my own low self-esteem.

So, this concludes the short list of things I need to be working on.

For right now, though, I think I'm going to go finish a book I've been hacking my way though. I really need a few more quitter strips (by which I mean 'bookmarks'). I've just been using an index card lately.

'Poor Kid's Quitter Strip'